Selfish and misreable.

[NewYearsDaysie]

I feel so low at the moment. Everyone keeps smiling at me and telling me that isn't it wonderful the sun is shining and everything is lovely, isn't it wonderful to be full of energy and isn't it great that the sunny weather makes you less likely to want to eat anything....blah blah blah. Erm NO No No and No.

I have a history of depression and low self esteem. Self Harm and Bulimia too. (I'm not trying to find sympathy just stating facts)
I'm having issues with being a SAHM and wanting to go back to work but not being able to, bereavement, stress through children, stress through DH's daughter who is a massive issue (threads on step parenting if you really want a nice confused thread to unravel), DH has no patience and quite frankly I just want to be ill enough to be hospitalized so noone talks to me for about a week. I feel like a fat horrible cow who is selfish and a crap mother, a heartless bitch with no right to be happy and I just want it all to stop.

This is a very self indulgent thread and I'm very sorry for it.

You're not on your own. I recently had my Gall stone out and prayed and prayed they would at least keep me in over night. To no avail I am at home still plodding on.
I know I should be more grateful for what I've got. I just can't muster it though. Sorry I'm not helping am I? I'm just wallowing along side you.
Maybe talk to your DH about going away on your own for a weekend. It might give you the space you need to find some perspective xx

Thanks so much for the reply. I'd love to do that but we don't really have anyone to babysit the 3 DCs as my DM looks after my neice a lot so I don't like to ask too often and she doesn't manage the 3 of them on her own she needs DF there too and he works.
I'm not responding very positively sorry.

I am miserable in the sunshine, too. Just saying, you are not the only one. NO more advice to offer though. I often get depressed in May. I'm not sure if mumsnet is very helpful though. Do you garden? That can be a good thing to do if you feel low.

I won't say I know how you feel, but I do sympathise, I'm going through a similar rough time myself. Whatever happens, you always have a right to be happy.

Have you spoken to your GP? Are you having any sort of counselling? Even just making an appointment with your GP and letting it all out may be a good start for you.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but when things get to me I try and find a way to have some time to myself without leaving the house. I usually ask DP to not disturb me as I'm having a nap (or something) and sit in my bedroom to have some quiet time with the laptop or something. As I'm unable to work at the moment, I started an Open Uni course which has given me a bit of focus, because I need something to do "for me" and obviously work can't fill that gap at the minute.

Have you tried talking to DH and explaining how you feel? Trying to do it when the DC aren't around is best, when you're both a bit more relaxed, and maybe explain how you feel you need just a bit of time to yourself. He could perhaps take out the DC for the day over the weekend and leave you to your own devices for a while. Or you could go out, and let him spend "quality time" with the kids

Keep talking, we are here to listen

Thanks so much. It's good to know I'm not the only one who doesn't like the sun. Actually I did do some weeding the other day and that did make me feel better. Have to try it again.
Quality time with the kids for my hubby = them playing about while he's on his Xbox [hmmm]