What to say if DD (11) asks about the scar on my wrist?

[AgentZigzag]

I used to cut myself 20ish years ago (when I was in my teens/20s) and one of them is a scar on my wrist where I'd cut the tendons and it was opened up more to sort them out, making it quite noticeable.

DD asked about some scars I've got on my leg when she was little and I just told her they were because of an accident and she didn't ask anything else.

Even though I don't really notice them any more, I still keep my wrist turned towards me just out of habit more than anything, but I think DD might have seen it today. After I thought she had, she told me about one of her teachers who'd badly gashed her arm on her honeymoon and had a scar from it.

I got the feeling she was gearing up to ask me about mine, and I was rooting around for what I should answer with. She's into Jacqueline Wilson and has mentioned about a mum who cuts her wrists which we talked about a bit, so she could plausibly take a guess at what mine is.

I don't want to tell her what I did though, knowing her as I do I could tell her and tell her I'm not the same very ill person I was then, but she'd still fret about it.

I'm a bit sad (at the same time as being relived) at why didn't she feel she could ask.

I know I could have got it all wrong and she hadn't noticed at all and it was just a coincidence saying about her teacher, but this is a question I've been dreading being asked for ages and have kind of avoided thinking about how I should answer.

She knows I have/have had mental health issues, but only that it's mostly OCD, does anyone have any thoughts on how I should tackle it if she does bring it up without freaking her out?

Well it's totally your choice what you tell her of course.

But if you want an excuse for the scar my school friend broke her wrist quite badly when she fell on a biology field trip and needed surgery to have it pinned. She still has quite a noticeable scar nearly 30 years later.

I also have a friend who got very drunk and accidentally put her hand through a glass panel in a door when knocking too vigorously. No surgery but lots of stitches and a scar that is still noticeable nearly 30 years on.

I agree that trying to fob her off might just be setting up problems in the future if she does find out I've lied to her.

DD has a few OCD things going on, but thankfully not to the extent I had/have, I don't want her to think she's going to be the same.

I like what you've written to say to her Loopy, although tbh, I still find it difficult to talk to other people about stuff. I should try to direct whatever I say towards her dealing with her anger/frustration/pain in a different way, which is hard when you're not very good at it yourself.

This is a really difficult one, i feel for you.
Myself, i wouldnt tell her. I would have a plausible cover story and make sure i was convincing when asked.
Its just too much for a child. Too sad. She will worry aboutyou, no matter how log ago it happened, and thats not fair, especially if she already has anxiety issues.

She maywell figure out the truth when she is older, but buying time now can only be a good thing.
An 18yo is far better equipped to deal with this sort oftruth (and the knowledge her mother lied to protect her from worry) than an 11yo.

Thanks LFB.

Another option I've just thought of is that I tell her nothing if she asks, when she was little asking about tampons I said I'd tell her when she was older, maybe I could say something similar even if she guessed and asked directly? Say I don't mind talking about it to her, but I want to wait until she's old enough to be able to get it in perspective and not let it play on her mind.

It would be too much for I agree, it'd feel like I was dumping some of my shit on her, it's not something I want her to have to think about at 11.

I agree with LFB, I have a 9 yr old daughter and a 14 yr old daughter and I definately wouldn't tell 9yr, but my other daughter at nearly 15, I would be able to tell and talk about with her.
But at 11, I guess she is at the end of Primary school and facing going up to Secondary and not really ready to understand something like that without worrying.
I would get a good cover story without too much detail! Then wait til you feel it's appropriate. They grow up and mature very quickly at Secondary school and you'll know when the time is right.
Good luck with it! x

Agent

Same here (funnily enough!). I also have a scar on my left wrist, a legacy of a very dark time. It's tricky isn't it? I've toyed with the idea of having it covered in some way, via a tattoo or some such. But the majority of me looks at it and feels (struggles to find words) not "proud" in the way that "proud" usually means but in a "you know what? I went through a bad time and whenever I look at this scar, it reminds me of how far i've come"

It also reminds me of how I felt at that time and strengthens my resolve to do everything I can to recognise and act upon any feelings or actions that may lead me down that road again. I'm aware, by the way, that ^all of the above^ is a platitude of sorts, a bog standard "survivors" spiel.

DS will ask one day (he's still only 4) and when I think it's age appropriate, I think I'm going to be honest with him, using suitable language.

Saying thatyouwilldiscuss it when sheis older is basically telling her what she already suspects. You know she knows about cut wrists, youd just be confirming her worst thoughts about the scars but then closing down any way of reassuring her or allowing her to express her feelings about it.
I really think that would betheworst possible way of dealing with it.

If you decide you dont want her to know (at least not yet) then you really have to be willing to offer a very goodcover story and tell her in a way that leaves no doubt for her.

When I was about 9/10 my mum would cut herself and when I asked about the cuts and bandages she'd make up excuses like the rabbit done it etc, I knew what she was doing and knew she was lying but was too young to understand why which created a lot of confusion and led to me 'experimenting' with self harming when i was young - so based on my experience I'd say be honest with her and try and answer her questions truthfully.

Could you say something like ' the scar is from an operation I had to sort out the tendons in my wrist' ? That way, you are being truthful, but not telling her the whole story. If she persists with more questions, just say something like 'it's a long complicated story, and I'll tell you about it some day'. And leave it at that.

Definitely would not go into the method/reasons etc. for the scar. Too much for a child that age to handle.

I wouldn't tell TBH. I have a scar on my wrist I got from opening a tin of beans!

I like earlybirds suggestion of saying you needed an op on it. That's not lying.

My mum was very open with me from the age of 11 about all her past difficulties, childhood and adult, including two suicide attempts.

It was way too much for me to deal with, I couldn't process that information and I wish to this day she'd never told me or at least waited until I was an adult rather than me taking on the role of adult which I feel I did from then on.

I don't think I would be cross as an adult, to discover that my mother had lied about something like that to protect me as a child. I personally don't feel that honesty comes above everything but that's just my experience.

I think if a child already knows something, or a self harm is currently happening, like some posters have said, then yes that could cause confusion, but with an old scar that could be explained away then I would personally go down the 'op' route.

It's true though Shakey, (and thank you for my first MN flowers) apart from making me feel queasy, catching sight of it reminds me that when it gets difficult you might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there.

I wish I could have known I was going to have a lovely DH and two beautiful DDs, a stable life wasn't something I even imagined at that point.

I think you're right LFB, DDs imagination will just fill in what she doesn't know and will be much worse than it is in reality now. Sometimes though, she refuses to be reassured about things and looks to fixate on something regardless of what you say to her.

I can't lie to her and want to protect her from the harsh truth, so the tendon op sounds a good way to go. I'll just have to distract her straight after answering before she asks how I did it

'What's that DD!??'