On a downwards spiral

[ColinFirthsGirth]

I have suffered on and off from OCD, anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. Last year I was put on citalapram as I was feeling very anxious. I did really well on this for a year until march this year. I was sent an unpleasant email by a so called friend. This set off my OCD and anxiety and my GP decided that the citalapram was not working properly anymore. I was put onto 20mg of prozac but this seemed to send me hypomanic - even though I have taken it before at a 60 mg dose with great success. She therefore decided that I should not be on any SSRI's anymore and put me on to Clomipramine. She started me on 10 mg for a month and then 25mg for another month, I am not feeling any real benefit or any side effects. I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth desperately trying to keep my life together but this week I have started to feel low in mood and it is getting worse. I want to cut myself again and have made plans to buy a razor blade and cut my leg - which I haven't done since I became pregnant with my son who is nearly 11. I have told my doctor that I am getting low but she has refused to ut the dosage up for another month as she is worried about side effects. Meanwhile my life feels like it is unravelling - I have been unable to take my children to school the last week and have been struggling to cook or do their homework with them. I am now feeling like I can't even look after them at all over this coming school week. My daughter has special needs and behavioural issues and would test the patience of mother theresa. Her teacher kinows that I have been struggling for three months but I don't know if I should tell them anymore. I didn't sleep at all last night due to OCD and music furiously repeating itself in my head plus agitation. I wanted to claw at my face until I bled and had lots of images in my head of harming myself. I am self employed and have had to cancel my clients and appointments. I feel ike I am descending into hell. Every time things seem to be good and I feel inspired and productive this seems to happen. My business is knew and I was on the verge of setting up a social enterprise that would have helped a lot of people. Now I am back to square one it is the story of my life. I don't feel I can wait another month of this just because the gp wants to chip away at it gradually.

I know I haven't asked a question here but just feeling abit desperate. If anyone has any advice or tips etc I would be very grateful. Thanks

I dont know anything about your medicines,but thought I would post anyway as you need to be listened to.
Is there anyone in RL who can help you,or ease your work burden.
It sounds like you may have been overdoing it.

You sound so sad :(

I would go back to your GP and tell them exactly how you feel - the intrusive thoughts, the plans to self harm (if you have a definiate plan that ups your risk so your GP should respond to this risk)

I am sorry you are having such a rubbish time, have you tried a talking therapy?

If you do feel really unsafe you can self-refer to the crisis team and they can provide support over the phone and do an assessment if necessary. You can google your local mental health trust and the number will be on their website.

Thanks for the messages of support. I have been feeling very sad but not suicidal. I feel I am running out of strength to keep on going. I do understand the gp is worried about side effects and the possibility of them making me agitated and/or hypomanic but I have two energetic children and a life to try and lead. I am just really fed up and have lost my confidence -every time things seem to be going right and things appear to be falling into place something like this happens. I was doing so well and can't believe that I have been derailed so much by an email. I also loose confidence everytime a anti-depressant stops working for me - how can we ever learn to trust ourselves if we don't know when we are going to go downhill again or the medications will stop working?

What about asking for a referral to a psychiatrist? They might be able to help you figure out whats happened that the meds which previously worked aren't any longer ... are you on any other different meds from last time? Gone through menopause? Had your children / you'd mentioned that the last time you cut was while pg...

A lot of people here like CBT, is that something you'd consider?

Good luck

Hi - not sure if this is any help but I am on 35mg of clomipramine and have been for quite a while. This is my second time of taking it.

(Both times I have gone up to 50mg and then back down to 35mg for longer term - both of these are low doses. People regularly take up to 150mg dose.)

In my case it takes a really long time to start to feel better. Probably about 10-12 weeks and even then its not a straight improvement.

Then Ive generally been ok - b ut still suffer from some blips.

I had severe increased anxiety at the start of treatment so this could be what you are going through now?

Those initial weeks were pretty unbearable - and most be even harder for you with the responsibilities of your daughter.

Just do whatever you need to get through those weeks - make everything as easy as possible. I found that i could do very little other than watch very easy / non threatening tv etc. (I have a senior job but was completely unrecognisable - couldnt leave the house/ answer phone etc.) Just try and hang on to the fact that you have been much better than this -and you will get to that point again.

Take care