What do you do instead of self harm?

[MrsNouveauRichards]

I wanted to namechange, but on my phone.

I used to self harm, I hate the scars on my arms from it. I haven't cut myself since meeting my DH. Things have been bad enough but I have somehow got through it.

I have been feeling a bit low recently and today things have come to a bit of a head. I really feel the need to do something physical, I don't feel suicidal but I want to hurt.

I don't want my children or husband near me, I have been short with them all, my son has been poorly with croup the last 30 hours or so, my DD is 4yrs so can be irritating and DH has just had a go at me for shouting at everyone. I hate being like this, but I don't get a break from people, I have been really feeling the need of some time away from the world and it is just not happening.

What I really want is to crash my car and have some oblivion at least for a while, but I can't as I never ho anywhere without the fucking kids. I really want to hurt myself, but I don't at the same time.

Sorry for the rambling, don't know what I want.

What you want I think is a trip to the GP to discuss meds, counselling or both. You don't have to feel this way.

My friend used to self harm, and she found the following helpful -
Fast walking
Swimming
Dancing
Talk to someone
No alcohol

But it sounds like a trip to the docs would also be an idea for you. Best wishes.

Thank you for your replies.

My ds is really suffering with croup and it has me so worried. Then I get stressed and it brings out all the other stresses and I start getting short with everyone and everyone winds me up. Then I feel guilty for taking it out on others which makes the feelings worse, then DH bringing it up whilst cross at me was just the final straw. I know I am being completely unreasonable, but I feel a complete failure as a wife and mother and person and think that my family would be better off without me.

Sounds so pathetic doesn't it

Doesn't sound pathetic, but the bad mum stuff is just not true.

Things that have worked for me when i need to feel pain -

Holding ice cubes
Running cold water over your hands
Furious scribbling
A cold shower (not freezing cold)
jogging/running
a long walk
Pinging a hair bobble that is on my wrist
Using tweezers to pluck leg hair out.(sounds odd i know but its distracting and it makes your legs fuzz free too!)

Not all of it works all of the time - it depends what you need at the time that you are wanting to hurt yourself (pain/blood/release whatever)

Thank you for not thinking I'm mad! I thought things were better and that I am not wired that way anymore (iyswim?)

I am angry with myself for wanting to. I think it is an anger/frustration thing for me, I feel I want to break things and I used to find cutting helped that feeling.

I have had a friend over this afternoon which has been a good distraction for me and the kids. Sometimes making yourself perk up on the outside can fool the inside a bit :)

Before I had children I used to get in the car and just drive or go for a long fast walk, but with two littlies I can't just escape when that is what the overwhelming feeling is.

I like the idea of an elastic round your wrist, that could be enough when things get bad.

I hate that I have to think of alternatives, and that I need to consider this at all.

No of course you're not mad, just trying to release unpleasant feelings. Have you examined the root causes of these behaviours? Therapy can be really, really useful but you have to be ready for it. I feel for you. I get irritated a LOT and my OCD behaviours start manifesting. I also used to self-harm but dont since having therapy. Hope you find something that works for you. x

I had some counselling about 10yrs ago, and tbh I didn't find it too helpful. While I am a chatty person I find it very hard to talk about my feelings and hate to admit weakness and I never cry. I often feel like crying but I don't see the point in it.

My sisters have both been on AD's and had lots of counselling over various events in our childhood (not technically events, more ongoing neglect) but I don't think it has affected me particularly tbh.

I think I am just flawed in some way and being with DH has calmed me and made me more comfortable with myself. But obviously there is still something there.

Sorry, that comes across quite cold.

That didn't sound very cold, it sounded like someone trying very hard to hold themself together.

I'll join in on the "call the GP on Monday" parade since you haven't yet said that you'll be doing that :)

What's worked for me is giving myself an ice cream headache hope that doesn't still count as actually self harm, and if this is too messed up, please report and have it deleted

For your angry/smashy feelings, could you shatter ice cubes? e.g. chuck them against the pavement as hard as possible? Or take the glass recycling out to the nearest centre- it is VERY satisfying to feel them smash in the big glass recycling containers AND it's something "productive" that you can do that's basically an on your own activity, so you'd have an "excuse" not that you need one! to dump the kids on your DH and go off on your own. (though FYI I get more just a general satisfaction out of this, rather than a specific "I'm trying to stop myself" satisfaction, as my S.H. tends to be more impulsive than not, and gathering up glass bottles and getting to the large supermarket takes organization. esp if I'm not actually at home when I have the desire, so this might not work for you, but I thought I'd throw it out there as when I hear "smash" I think "recycling glass!")

Please dont think of your need for help, and the feelings that cause it, as a weakness. It really isnt. All pain, whether it is emotional or physical, is the mind/body's attempt to draw attention to an area that requires attention. It might be a chemical imbalance in the brain or a way of trying to process earlier trauma, ie that recieved in childhood.
IMHO I think counselling might be an option for you, but only if you realise that you are deserving of, and are perfectly entitled to ask for help, and in doing so could well make your life a little easier.

I really appreciate all of your replies.

Might have to smash ice next time, though I can imagine my neighbours giving me funny looks :)

I don't want to go to the Dr, not this time anyway as it has been a rare occurrence. If I start getting like this again more often then I will consider it.

I have been unimpressed with counselling and I am rubbish at taking medicines, so AD's would get forgotten within a week or two and I would wonder why I felt so bad.

When my dc1 was a baby/toddler I did a lot of free courses with free creche at a local adult learning centre, which gave me some time away from her, she also slept well, so as well as a full night's sleep I would have free evenings.

Dc2 has always been a bit rubbish at sleeping, has been so busy (climbing out of his cot at 16m) clingy and clumsy. I love him so much but he makes me so stressed. Bedtimes take around 2hrs so I don't get a free evening, and the courses at the learning centre no linger have a creche.

I feel trapped and claustrophobic with my life. When rational (most of the time) I know it is a very short phase and if I think how much difference even 6months makes then things will be improved in no time. But it only takes a couple of bad nights or a sick child to turn everything on it's head.

Selks I have noticed that alcohol does affect me. I am fine while I am drinking/drunk, but when the tiredness starts the next evening I feel really low.

Maybe writing a list of things that make me feel happy or low/ angry could help pinpoint things for future reference? Or is that a stupid idea?

I have a 3yo and a 1yo and I know just how overwhelming it can be. What really helps me keep a sense of 'me' is to go out for a run or a fast walk as soon as they go to bed every night. It's a combination of fresh air and exercise and me-time that keeps me sane. Even if it's only 15 minutes because one DC is poorly it helps.

DH comes home for lunch quite often, when he walked in today I was sat on the kitchen floor with poorly ds who was having a tantrum because he was feeling bad and had been there for nearly an hour. DH offered to take over, but then followed me about while I tried to do stuff with a crying, wheezing boy. I don't think he really gets how desperate I am for my own space.

We have horses and once or twice a week I try to go riding by myself when DH finishes work, but due to his job it can be a bit hit and miss. When I get these evenings I practically bounce for hours afterwards.

It is not DH's fault, it is not the kids fault, it is my inability to cope with it all sometimes when I am tired or have too much on or whatever. Maybe there needs to be a better balance.

I am sorry to hear that you are in such a bad place. If you don't want to speak to your GP then your health visitor can make a referal to the community mental health team. Maybe your health visitor could refer you to homestart so you could have someone amuse the kids while you enjoy a nice warm bath or whatever.

Would you be able to afford nursery/ child minder for one morning a week? In our area there is funding for over twos for families that are on low incomes and in challenging circumstances.

It really sounds like you need me time. Could you go riding over lunch? Or even just OUT, leave dh with the kids forget your mobile so you aren't pestered ever 2min and walk or run or just be alone?

What did you do when he followed you about? Me, I would have shouted "give me space!!!" And/or locked myself in my bedroom and have done on occasion, why don't they listen to polite requests?!?!

Er, that's a long winded way of saying, yes, sounds like the me/DH /kids/family /house /work (?) balance is not right for You.

We don't quality for any extras. Tbh, I can't justify paying out for nursery when I have horses, but ironically, if I didn't have the horses I wouldn't need the nursery as much. I keep them because they help keep me sane (ish) and because they are a little bit of the old me.

I had more sleep last night which helps, my mental health seeims to be directly linked to the amount of sleep I get.

I don't want to place blame on others, but DH is being a bit difficult and even though when I think rationally I know it is because he is tired too and I have been snapping at him, I keep thinking he hates me and thinks I am a crap wife and a horrible mother.

I hate it when I "think" two versions of something! (for me, it's often on my way home from spending time with people... I'll feel all "OMG that person is only putting up with me and didn't actually want me around for whatever activity" while my rational brain says "that was a lovely outing, they seemed nice and friendly, there's no evidence that they didn't want me..." I've been doing the MoodGym thing to try and fix this in myself, might be worth a try yourself? (am about halfway through module 2 of 4 so can't promise that it will help anyone, though that's my hope!)

Also, sounds like it's REALLY time for a frank discussion with DH about your family's balance if he's tired and off-kilter, too!

I tried just mentioning it in passing this morning and he said he didn't know what he was 'supposed' to have done. I never thought we would be one of those couples where the DH was always doing the wrong thing and the DW would be taking offence at everything.

I told him that I was apologising for my snapping yesterday, but that I was quite hurt that he thought I was doing it out of spite and not because I was very tired and worried about DS.

The children then came in wanting more breakfast, and when they went I was waiting for him to say something in reply but he was playing with his phone.

I was supposed to have been going out for an old friend's birthday tonight, but have cried off due to DS croup/not enough sleep. I have told DH I might ride this evening though.

Oh, and I do the 2 situations thing a lot too. I always think I have talked too much, or said the wrong thing, that people think I am a right freak etc.

I once met up with another MNetter and I didn't get those feelings at all, so knew we would be good friends :o

Just wanted to update you as you have all been so kind and helpful.

I spoke to DH last night and told him I had been finding life a bit hard and I was hurt that he hadn't noticed and just thought I was being a bitch. He said that he didn't think I was being a bitch, just that I was being a bit unfair. He said he had noticed I was struggling but on the days where I've had a bad day he is torn between wanting to go and get me flowers and wanting to get home sooner. I told him I just wanted him to come home and give me a cuddle and 5mins of adult conversation. I told him I find it very hard to tell him I'm struggling.

I feel happier now and we are going to try to re-shuffle some stuff about to make things run a bit smoother :)

Great news MrsN - hope things continue in this positive vein for you.

Good luck in the reshuffle, I hope it "takes" and makes things run more smoothly for you and yours! :)