A fathers anxiety/depression

[NickTB]

Hi all.
I have a situation and I'd like some advice/feedback if at all possible.
A bit about me. I'm a 47 year old (Yesterday!) Dad of a 1 year old daughter. I absolutely dote on her and love her to bits. I have two step children from a previous relationship of 35 and 27, Who I raised as my own from when they were 11 and 3.

My Dad had 21 brothers and sisters and they all without fail died before 60 as did my Mum.

Since my daughter was born I have been in equal measures overjoyed and depressed. I worry that I won't be around for her and feel guilty that I have bought her into the world and that I may die young and deprive her of a father.

I was abused by my Dad and Imanaged to succesfully block this out until 2-3 years after he died. Up until that point Idolised him, and when it all came flooding back it was ll I could do to stop myself digging up his ashes and kicking them around the cemetary.

I have had various forms of bereavement counselling and anti depressants (Which work, but I tend to come off them early from fear of addiction) and I'm now booked in for a councelling session next week to asses the kind of councelling that's needed.

My main point is (After the preamble) I feel awfully sad when I look at my daughter. Especially when she is sleeping and she looks like me. It's like I'm grieving for my lost childhood.

Have any of you felt this way? Or know of someone who did? Because I'm feeling awfully alone right now!

Thanks in advance,

Hi well done for posting. Yes I do recognise how you feel and in fact my dh would do too. We've both been abused, him psychologically, me sexually. You are grieving for your lost childhood. And you should, you have lost so much. My dh has it with simple things, like carrying our ds on his shoulders and realising no one ever did that with him.

I too blocked out the abuse until recently (It came back in labour). The emotional pain was so shockingly bad I nearly didn't make it. Not helped by the fact that the anger for me didn't come until the very end of lots of therapy.

It's a hard journey but it's worth working through the pain of the abuse if you can do it, and find freedom for yourself. Because there are no guarantees that you will be there to see your dd get married (tomorrow is no guarantee for anyone), but you have the right to be free to be there for her today.

If you want to talk to a man who recognises how you feel send me a pm or post on here and I will ask my dh to reply to you.

Thanks for the reply madmouse.

It's really reassuring to hear that I'm not alone in this. when it's written by another person, it puts it into perspective. Of COURSE I'm grieving my childhood. I get so angry that the man I worshipped could do such a thing to a child.

I would love to hear a man's perspective on it, (Not that a woman's is any less valuable)

Thanks again,

Nick

Have a read of a book called Toxic Parents. It really helped me make sense of some of my feelings.

Thanks Arana, that's ordered. I'll have a read of it and see where it takes me