I know I post too much random shit and drivel on this board, and I apologise.
I'm really really struggling today, with everything. I started writing it down (which usually helps) and I just didn't stop
A lot of what I wrote scares me. I don't know if I'm delusional or what, but I can't go on.
I've typed up exactly what I wrote. I'm sorry if it makes no sense, and apologies for it being mindless self-absorbed pretentious drivel.
I don't know what I want. Maybe just empathy?
Anyway, here goes.
I am seething, I can?t explain why. I have this sensation of a gyroscope on the verge of spinning out of control.
I feel like there?s a super thin membrane containing me, and if I lose it, that?s it, I?ll explode. It?s almost like there?s someone else waiting to take over and run riot, rampage.
I want to scream and shout, to throw myself through windows and walls, to fall, to hurt myself, to hurt anyone or anything around me.
I feel rage ? directionless, meaningless rage. I want to attack, but I want to be attacked. I want to be beaten to a pulp for what I am ? a fraud. Unworthy. A mess.
And I don?t know why.
I almost feel high, like a sense of heightened awareness, a sense of invulnerability.
I feel like throwing myself off a building, or shooting myself; not because I want to die, but because I can.
I can?t focus on work at all. I can?t even look at the computer. I can?t look anyone in the eye. I can?t go on living this way. Nothing seems real; I look at myself and don?t see anything familiar. I don?t recognise this person whose body I inhabit. When I think or see the flaws it seems more familiar. The scars, the stretch marks, the thread veins, the ugly face, the freckles. How I hate the freckles. Irregular. Ugly. I can?t even look at pictures of Lee, Ben and Keira because I feel guilty for letting them down.
I just want to be normal. I want to be able to do the things other people can do, without it being such a struggle. I look around me, and everyone else is working away. What is it that they?ve got that I haven?t? How do they do it? How come every day is a bad day for me? I can?t go on like this.
I have these twin enemies of ADHD and depression dragging me down. When I have a handle on one, and I think I?m getting somewhere, the other rears its ugly head. It?s like they?re conspiring against me, like they?re malicious entities intent on my destruction.
I can?t fail. I?m not permitted to fail; not to mention that if I do, all hope is lost, and I might as well not be here anyway. A downward spiral will be set off, even greater than what is happening now, and I genuinely have to hold it together. I have to keep going. If I look back I am lost.
None of this however, is enough to kick start me out of this paralysis. All I can do is be self indulgent and think about myself and my inadequacies.
My impulsivity is phenomenal at the moment. I want to be reckless, I want to drive fast, I want to do something dangerous.
The image I project and the person inside, they feel like two different people. Most people who meet me wouldn?t think I was a totally fucked up psycho. When I?m alone, I?m very different to my projected persona.
Occasionally the mask comes close to slipping. I punched a wall today on Queen Street. Plenty of people must have seen it, but it happened so quickly and I didn?t do anything else that I guess everyone pretended they didn?t see it. People don?t see what they don?t want to see. People don?t want to think their perfect worlds are fucked up and broken.
I have become one of those ranting lunatics that writes utter bullshit, filled with a sense of pretentiousness and superiority. I?m nothing, a first world problem.
I can?t believe I?m still sat at my desk writing this drivel, I can?t face doing anything else. And I think I?m enjoying wallowing in this mire of self pity and self loathing. I can?t face real life just yet. For now I?m going to pretend I have no responsibilities, that I?m bound by no rules, that I?m free.
I think as well, that part of the rational me knows I need to get this out of my system. This is real right now, what I?m feeling, what I?m thinking, what I?ve written about here. I know when I get back to normal I?ll pretend it never happened ? my logic and rationality won?t allow it to be part of my personality. I need to record it, because I can?t entertain the belief that I actually think like this when I?m normal.
Is it all in my head though? Am I just being a drama queen vying for attention? What do I want? Escape. The two parts of me want to be separated. One from the other. They do not want to co-exist. They?re like resentful siblings being forced to share space.
I think I?ve been reading too many fantasy books. I don?t have anything inside me, I?m not two people, I?m just fucked up.
I want someone to read this, give me a magic pill and fix me.
Make me normal.
Happy.
Relaxed.
Peaceful.
Content.
I wish it were possible.