Can't cope with DH's depression

[ohwhatthehell]

My DH has suffered with depression on and off since his mum died 8 yrs ago. At the time I was pg with DS2 and his career was foundering: he was self employed in recruitment. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem but recently things have become almost unbearable. He has a stressful and not very well paid job in the welfare to work sector, which seems to define his life at the moment. He comes home stressed and shouts at the kids (2 boys, 12 and 8) and weekends are spent treading on eggshells to avoid situations which might cause a row. Financially we are OK: we have debts but they are manageable and I am doing OK freelancing, making more than I did when working for someone else. But he panics at the end of every month when the bank balance dips down to zero.

We can't make plans for the future because he thinks there is no point; everything is doom and gloom. I try and tell him we are fine: we have a nice home (which he thinks is a 'shithole' because it could do with a lick of paint), lovely kids (although DS2 is having a few problems at school which I really think are partly due to stress at home), and a nice life compared to a lot of people. But he is always comparing us to friends with more money/better behaved kids/better jobs/more expensive homes.

He has been to see the doc after I begged him but didn't take any of the mild medication he prescribed, then lied on his return visit and said he had. He has had time off work with stress but refuses the counselling that they offer free of charge.

Against the odds (he thinks he's past it cos he's over 50) he has an interview for another job soon. But he announced today he wasn't going for the interview as the job was bound to be just as stressful.

I can't help feeling he is somehow determined to self-destruct. He can't seem to see his paranoia (for want of a better word) for what it is and that there is another way of looking at things. It is affecting our kids who are becoming angry and upset that all we seem to do is argue. If it was just me I would leave but this is my children's home and my place of work. I am desperate to restore some sanity to their and my life but don't seem to be able to get through to DH.

This is a long rant I know, at 2am because I can't get a decent night's sleep any more. What am I going to do?

Well you have obviously tried to talk to him about it, and it sounds like he is seriously depressed, beyond the point of a tablet helping him. Has he had any bereavement counselling? If not I would reccomend

Sorry hit enter too early then, I would recommend contacting Cruise, They do really good counselling for people struggling with the grief of bereavement.
Also forcing the tablet issue isn't a good thing. If anyone in my family tried to do this to me I think Id be unimpressed.

Most anti depressants are linked with more serious mh issues like thoughts and feelings of suicide ect. Have a look into it.
They don't actually stop the sadness either, why people jump for drugs rather than trying to get to the root I don't know, but most decent doctors would push counselling over pills anyday. When your husband is low he need support and not henpecking, I think he is trying to avoid more stress but it is hard when life isn't going how you want it to. Try to not nag him. It's scary even as a grown man to lose a parent.

I think your dp is trying to be strong and get through this on his own but it's maybe a bit difficult for him (and yourself) atm, So counselling would be helpful.

I have tried to persuade him to get counselling but what else can I do if he won't? I certainly don't nag or henpeck him! I know that' counselling is what he needs but how do I get him to accept that?

I have to think of the effect this is having on the children which is quite severe ATM. DS1 even suggested to me the other day that I divorce DH and that he should leave. How on earth do I respond to that?

Plus he won't admit that he has long term depression, just that he is stressed in a job that he hates.