No friends

[gigwig]

I feel really low as I can't make friends and I am getting really down about it. I have a DS (3) and I am 37.

I feel I am being friendly to people but they don't like me. I arranged with 2 people to meet over the half term and they said they'd ring me but they haven't.

It always is me who is making the calls. I feel really close to despair at times. I just wish I had a friend.

I invited another person over and suggested some dates - she said she wanted to meet up and said to give some dates. This was 3 weeks ago and she's not been in touch again. I don't know what I am doing wrong.

In the past 2 years I have tried so hard to get to make friends but I am still lonely and no friends. I really feel there is something wrong with me.

I invited one Mum with her DD to a playdate, she then 4 months later invited me to her house with other Mums she knows. I seem to be on the edge of things all the time.

I don't know what you can say reading this, I guess I just want to know if I am the only person like this. I so hope I am not. I just want to know too, how to make friends - can anyone help.

Thank you.

Hello gigwig

You certainly aren't the only one ... in the few years I've been on mumsnet I've seen numerous threads just like this one. I doubt it is because there is something wrong with you that stops people from wanting to be friends with you - I think often mums of young children have had their children at the same time as their friends or other family members, so they may have a ready-made network of friends, and it can be hard for you to break into those sorts of ready-made networks. The good thing is that you're not alone in this, so even if it does seem as if all the other mums have their groups of friends and you're left out, that can't be the case.

Perhaps you could pal up with some mumsnetters in your area? Whereabouts are you?

I'm sure others will come along with great advice - good luck x

Whereabouts do you live gigwig? There's a great meet up topic on here where you can meet other mums in your area. Maybe you could try this. I don't think there is anything wrong with you sometimes it's hard to make new friends and there's often doubts and insecurity on both sides wondering whether to ring or not in case they think you're a pain etc. The mum who you invited on a playdate probably felt more comfortable inviting you with a group of other mums because sometimes it's hard to meet one on one for the first time. I think you're being too hard on yourself.

Don't take things personally - other people have busy lives, so don't be afraid to make the running more if they don't get back in touch as soon as you would like.

Ask LOTS of people over for coffee/playdates - and try to get into lots of different social circles - join or start a bookclub/ knitting club/ go to an evening dance or aerobics class, and keep asking people round! You need to keep making a lot of effort until you have enough friends! And then keep making more as it is always fun to have new ones - then you will be the one who takes ages to arrange stuff with other people!

There is nothing wrong with you, and even if there is you can still have friends. Even vile people still have friends

Aww- you sound sad about this. It can be really hard making friends when you have young children, as spacey says. Do you think that is at the root of the problem or have you always found things a bit difficult socially? Do you have friends from your "pre-child" days that you keep in touch with at all?

I do think it's worth being persistent with people. I think it's far more likely that the "suggest some dates" person is a bit scatty or maybe quite shy herself than that she doesn't like you. Are you at home with your boy full time?

I felt like this a few years back when I had DS and didn't know anyone else with a young child. TBH I think what you perceive as friendships in others can be just a little bit more than mere acquaintances. I go out every now and again with some women I met on a post-natal course at the gym. If you see us on a Saturday in the restaurant you'd think we are close friends, yet we only meet every 3 months, if that. Same with other friends from other sources. Depends what your idea of friends is, I suppose.

I've made one good friend from MN, so I'd second giving your local MN meet-ups a try. Good luck.

Your messages are a big help.

Yes I probably am too hard on myself.

I do have friends from pre-baby days that I keep in touch with - these are the only friends I have.

I will keep on perserving. I have recently started going out with a Homestart volunteer so hopefully that will help.

I work part time and DD goes to a childminder. I have tried getting to know the other mums from there.

I live in Manchester. I was too shy to go to the Manchester meet up in December. Felt I was too old as well as.

I know I have to work hard to get my onw circle of friends. It is rgight that many people have friends from antenatal classes. We moved and I feel I lost out on those links.

Took me years to make friends, and I had none at school really ...

I'm only 18, and my DS has just gone 2... but if that doesn't bother you I'm shy (something in common!) I only have a few friends after years of sort of trying lol... and I live a train trip away - Liverpool...

(Theo loves his other 3 year old friend, come to think of it his mummy's 35 and I get on with her perfectly well, age is not an issue!)

Gigwig - I've been feeling a bit like a billy-no-mates this week too. You are not alone. It's been half term here and everything I have done with dds has been alone. I did text a friend of mine to see if she wanted to join us for a day out and had no reply. I also asked another if she wanted to do something - she ended up popping in for a coffee and stayed for less than an hour. I'm thinking of changing my deodrant.
I have loads of people that I make small talk with but very few, if any, really close friends that I get together with regularly. Maybe everyone is the same, who knows.
It makes me wonder if everyone is in the same boat or if they always spend time with loads of their mates.

I notice that you've moved Gigwig - I think that makes a big difference. I moved to Australia some years ago, but it's taken me a long time to make friends here - where you're working hard or have a small child it can be hard to connect with others, particularily if they're already in existing networks.

I've found most of the friends I've made have been expats or have moved regionally...hang in there - it does take time. I can only suggest participating in activities, and contributing without expectations.

Sometimes when you feel like this, you can try too hard, and sometimes try to make friends of people who aren't really a good fit with you (I speak from experience). Please try to relax and enjoy doing things with your DS and stay in touch with your pre-baby friends, new friends can sneak up on you!

i met lots of new people whe i had ds. i probably wouldn't class them as 'friends' though. but they were there to hang out with whilst i was on mat leave and were good company at the time - is this what you are really looking for? TBH i never really stayed in touch once i went back to work (just too busy) but i really did value having them in my life for a year or so. i did meet people throiugh ante natal but them formed another circle through a couple of local parent and toddler groups. we rarely met outside the group but i was only in ot for 6 months. i think if i had gone for longer then i would have formed dealker more lasting bonds with people. it takes time to get that but i still enjoyed the superficial company of the toddler group.

gigwig, I have often felt the same. I couldn't drive after the birth of my DS (also 3) so missed out on attending the organised post-natal group, so never met mums that way. I went to an ante-natal group but there were only two other mums, and I kept in touch with one of these so I know one other mum!!! I tagged along with her to her local playgroup once a week so met a group of about 4 other mums. As others have said, we see eachother very rarely now our children have moved on to pre-school. I wouldn't class them as friends.

I keep in touch with three pre-baby friends but this is rare as our lifestyles are so different! So you are by no means alone at all, I too have found it very difficult to make a friend I can really class as a friend, though I like the mums I see.

Part of this is by choice I have to say as an old friend did get in touch when I had DS and I met with her and another girl a few times but let it lapse as I just didn't like them! I'd rather have no friends than see people when it's a chore!

I think others here are right, don't be afraid of keeping on making the effort, sometimes people are just lazy about it or may even feel shyer than you do about it! So keep inviting people and text them the day before to check arrangents. I think this isn't pushy at all. Keep going. I do wonder when our DS's are at school whether things might be easier because we'll meet people at school gates and there's PTA to get involved with too.

gigwig-whereabouts in manchester are you if you don't mind me asking?

Your comments are helping thank you. It is so nice to begin to think it is not just me. I will keep on making an effort.

Hello Alexsmum

I'm in Stockport/South Manchester

Where are you?

prob not far from you!

maybe we should arrange a meet up? but i'm very shy!{grin]

37 isn't old! good god woman!

Gigwig!

You are not alone! I left the area where i now live around 6 years ago, leaving all my school and college friends behind! I made some great friends (colleagues in Leeds and i still kepp in touch with them but never get to meet up these days. I moved back here in June 04 and have found it terribly hard to make friends. I have met people through work but non of them have children...so i find it hard to arrange anythign with them.

I too really need a good frie4nd nearby. DP and i have been through so much this past six months or so, he lost hsi job unfailry and it't been a thorough nightmare. As i have no-one to talk to about it in the 'real world' a forum of mums i am a member of started to get fed up with my whingeing so i haven't been back there!

I feel so lonely and wish i could just share my life with a good friend. I suppose not having any money for the past few months hasn't helped as i cannot get put and about, also the fact that i live in a farmhouse which is outside a village etc etc.

I've tarted a new job and hopefully dp has one in the pipeline. DD should be going to a nursery soon so i hope that i can start meeting new people!

Don't feel alone hun and maybe arrange to meet someone thourgh here! To be honest there doesn't seem to be many mums from my area around here on mumsnet.

But you are not the only one!! Huge hugs , Becs xxxx

apologies for typing my cat was trying to walk across my desk..grrrr

I feel like i have no friends too. My best friend from school recently moved.My mum,dad and 2 brothers moved to turkey in Oct.Partner left in nov(well i made him leave!).I do go to the local toddler group but sit alone while everyone sits with their friends.Im terrible at making conversation with people.Feel very alone.

I can really sympathise - it took me a long time to make friends when i moved here but I kept inviting lots and lots of different people even tho' I am quite shy. Lots reciprocated once but that was it but I have made a couple of good friends and I still try to invite mums over for a playdate if I meet someone that seems nice. But I've also been going to a toddler group for over two years and most of the mums there haven't bothered to ring when I had my new baby - I really don't get it sometimes!

Message withdrawn

I also sypathise, I had lots of baby group and breastfeeding groups friends until ds was 2 and then we moved away and in the new place everyone was already in cliques, unfriendly, a lot older than me (does not matter to me but mattered to them) and already with 2 or 3 kids yet I only have ds and I am still here 5 yrs later and only know a couple of people and no new people with kids, I have 1 friend now from ds baby years see ocassionally ...thats it...is quite common i think.Am at uni and no one has kids in my year, know some nice people there, but socialising awkward and hard to arrange if they have no kids.

Gigwig, you are definately not on your own, I seem to have problems making friends also, in the office I work in I am the only one with a child, I never get to see the other mums at school as I drop my dd off at a breakfast club and she goes to an after school club. I invite kids round for a playdate and a couple are regulars but quite often the mums don't even reply to my texts which I find incredibly rude. Unfortunately I am in Cheltenham but I am orig from Northwich in Cheshire which isn't far from Stockport and I do go up North to visit my family still. I joined mumsnet in the hope of making friends and haven't been on here very long, if you ever fancy a chat, [email protected]

I live in south manchester I feel the same since I moved up here hard to make friends as work and then want to be with kids in evening.. weekends are all about the kids... but now I want to get out as ME a bit more... would be more than happy to meet up with you -- we are the same age give or take!! Send me a CAT... let's get out of the cycle...

Live in Scotland ....aye

Hiya,
Dont want to be advertising another site, but ive found some really good local mates from netmums. I meet up with the regually.

so we should we organise a stockport meet up?giraffeski?gigwig?mancmum?
we could have our own clique!