How supportiv is your dp? Feel very isolate

[orangeandlemons]

Have been very ill with anxiety. Just wondered as mine was very supportive at first, but has become less an less interested, to the point where I have stopped speaking about it.

This has been going on since Januay and most meds have made me much much worse. The anxiety at times has been unbearable, as has the depression. It has been hell.

I on't really have anyone to talk to except DP. No close family, although I do have friends I can only say so much.

Dp was great at first, but as the months have gone on, has become less tolerant and supportive. At first he would listen, but now he tells me what to think, an what he thinks I should do to get better. I just want someone to listen. I am doing everything I can to help myself get better. Trying to motivate myself to do stuff, having CBT etc. I have held my end up with DD5 all the time and housework, although it has been a struggle.

I know it has gone on a long time, and I know he is fed up and sick of it, as anyone would be.

Last week I had terrible anxiety. He told me he couldn't cope with it anymore, it was pulling him down (which it would). I was beside myself, I felt so ill. His comment me me feel worse.

Since then I have stopped talking about it, despite feeling crap. Yesterday I felt so isolated and alone with no one to talk to.

I know depression is a selfish illness. I know it would get any spouse down. I am trying my best to get better. JUst wondered if anyone has any avice? I just need to get it off my chest sometimes, and then I feel better, but I don't have anyone to do this to

I can see it very well from his point of view. I've been both the spouse of someone with bad depression and have suffered with PTSD myself.

He wants you better, he's desperate to see you happy and he can't fix you. That is really hard for him. He wants to do things to make you happy again and failing that working he wants you to do things to make yourself happy again.

Depending on how extreme your anxiety is there may be little space for anything else, or for him and his feelings, in the relationship and that too is very hard. So don't come down too hard on him telling you he is struggling to cope - he's just trying to get a word in edgeways and tell you how he is feeling. Don't say it made you feel worse, because at that moment it was about him, not about you. You can support him supporting you. Give him hugs, tell him you understand it is tough for him, ask him how he is doing and listen.

It doesn't mean that you need to stop talking about it at all, with him, with others, on here. If talking helps, then talk. But sometimes you just go round in circles and that can make others impatient.

You say you have tried meds most of which made you much worse. How long did you stick at them? Most of the ADs that work for anxiety can make the anxiety worse for a few weeks before kicking in. What else are you doing to get better? Have you done CBT, are you on the waiting list? Get the book 'Overcoming anxiety' from the library if you're stuck on the waiting list.

Sometimes something just needs to click. My (private) therapist helped me cope with my extreme anxiety as part of a whole range of things going on and I learned two things that really help:

1. I ask myself 'what evidence is there that the thing I'm fretting about will actually happen?'

2. I've learned to hold a certain amount of anxiety as a normal feeling, eg it's normal for me to be restless if ds is ill

I'm sorry if this post sounds harsh. I have walked a mile or two in those shoes so I don't believe I have easy talking. I know I can be blunt, but I feel really strongly about this. You understanding your dp's point of view and supporting him will be good for your self esteem (being so anxious can make you feel a totally useless human being) as well as your relationship.

Sorry for all typos. Dd has ropped crumbs all over keyboad, and half the keys don't work

I have talked to him about it all, I know it is hard for him, but on the other hand, I don't really have anyone to talk to.

I have had 3 abnormal and atypical reposnses to drugs in a row according to GP and pysch. So to get better, I now have to cope with a fear of the drugs that are meant to help me on top of the original anxiety.

But I don't know what to do, I feel I cannot talk about it, or even show any symptoms anymore.

I have tried very very hard to help myself, and am doing all the things I have been avised to do, but ultimately it is down to finding a drug to kick it into touch. I have been told I am "hard to treat".

Has no one offered you therapy?

Yes, I've just started CBT.

I have just reread your first post. I really don't think it has filled the relationship . I have just been ill for a long period of time, and can't force myself to get better, even though I am trying.

If I can't turn to him for support who else can I turn to? I have talked and talked with him about how hard it is for him to cope with over and over again. I feel guilty if I try and say anything now, in case he has had enough.

I just kind of feel if it was a visible injury like a broken leg, it would be easier

My DP found it incredibly difficult when I had depression. I know that now though at the time I seriously thought he couldn't care less, didn't understand where I was coming from and was ignoring it. He wasn't. He was just distancing himself a bit as he was extremely confused and being a fixer, couldn't fix it for me. I think (though it's understandable that I wasn't aware) that I totally underestimated just how deeply it was affecting him as it was all consuming and most of my life was all about me me me. I had a completely different viewpoint from him. And a different viewpoint from him is not necessarily "wrong". Best of luck with the counselling.

Nowhere in my post did I say that you should not look to him for support - in fact I said the opposite. All I said is that you saw everything from your POV. He told you how much he was struggling and your response on here was 'it made me feel worse'. You can seek his support while supporting him and making a point of checking in with him to see how he is doing.

Hope the CBT works. I appreciate the problems you have with meds. I had a crazy reaction to citalopram which made me so anxious that I was lying on the bed rocking myself saying help me I don't understand was going on and OOH ended up giving me quetiapine to calm me down...