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addictions and cross-addictions my life's a mess

10 replies

omtaretutareturesoha · 16/05/2012 16:20

I have been identifying my unhealthy addictive behaviour in a more constructive way over the past few months.

Namely by attending Over eaters Anon and reading 'In the realm of Hungry Ghosts'.
Both have been key in helping but I have a long way to go.
I am trying to achieve something at the moment and that is to finish a college course.

I over load my work schedule to the point of exhaustion, I leave EVERY task to the absolute last minute, I shut friends out until it becomes awkward, I don't bother charging my mobile, I don't ring my family any more (I'm only 25)

I don't use drugs as such but my obsessive nature means that I still experience all the classic draw backs of someone living with addiction, I spend hours on face book, hours at work pretending that I have loads of irons in the fire when in reality I'm not eating, sleeping managing my money properly.

My attendance at college has dwindled and I feel so lost.

No-one would know I seem very together but I just feel in the grips of addiction of food, sex, spending.

I need some inspiration to get back on track.

Any advice welcome, thanks for reading

OP posts:
daffydowndilly · 19/05/2012 08:43

Could you go to your GP to see if you could be referred for counselling or to see a dietician for a health eating diet plan, or can you afford to pay for it on your own? Do you have an OA sponsor and are you working the steps/going to regular meetings?

I know friends at OA find other 12 steps groups more helpful, for example, NA - if you treat food as your 'drug of choice', plus many people at NA will have admitted to cross addicting but are perhaps more clued up than those at OA (I have not been but heard that they can tend to be a bit too "weightwatchery" and biscuit-focused). If you are cross addicting, have you been to debtors anonymous (spending), or SLAA (sex and love anon).

There is also coda (codependent anon). They say that codependency is the root of all addiction, and I have seen many people from other 12 steps groups go there and it can make a difference. It is all about learning self-esteem and how to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

I am not sitting here and trying to be a major 12 step advocate, it is just that you mentioned you do that already and it helps. I just wondered whether a different slant might make a difference. You could also try and get advice from groups such as Beat (UK charity for people with eating disorders).

daffydowndilly · 19/05/2012 08:44

Oh and if your attendance at college is being affected, talk to your personal tutor and also see what counselling services there are at college asap.

springydaffs · 19/05/2012 19:24

I do recognise (in myself) what you are saying OP, if that's any help. did it help to write it out? You haven't been back...

the procrastination in particular is something I recognise. It's a symptom of 'depression' though (such a broad term: depression). I go to a depression support group, frequented by people with a range of MH issues, mostly depression though, and it's good to be with people who are like me, good to be in a community of like-minded people. Plenty of us struggle hugely with procrastination and it just helps me that somebody else does iyswim. I'd rather they (or I) didn't, of course, but it normalises it. You do know that beating yourself up about it makes it infinitely worse, yes? You didn't volunteer for this so give yourself a break: you'd far rather not have it and just because it's invisible doesn't mean it isn't as legit as eg a broken leg. sometimes I feel that I have to sneak up on procrastination and wrestle it to the ground while it isn't looking.

Do you live in a city? there are usually a wide variety of self-help/support/12-step groups in cities for those of us who struggle with things that people generally don't think twice about. Mind you, there are a shocking number of people who struggle with the same stuff but they cover it well. As I do, and probably you do too.

MaybeADHD · 19/05/2012 19:43

Hi iM BACK! jUST REPLYING..

MaybeADHD · 19/05/2012 19:55

Thanks lovely daffodils I have taken a lot of inspiration from your replies, sorry Ive been at work today.

Thats interesting about OA they are quite clear that they are NOT adiet group and most of the people there are also recovering drug addicts so I take a lot of inspiration from them but thanks I will try to go to NA because they are more close to my home, Im just scared of saying hello my name is X and I am a compulsive over eater because, compared to their problems mine look like nothing worth worrying about Confused

Im scared to ask my GP for counselling because I'm worried mental health issues will be shown in my medical record and that will stop me from being able to pursue the career I want. Please tell me this is nonsense.

When you say co-dependency is the root of all addiction I'd be interested to do more research on this, I am not particularly attached to any humans in my life Ive always had to fend for myself and it's never been an issue, but do you mean dependant upon external things (inanimate objects?) Like food, shopping etc?

Thank you so much for your kindness in replying to me with so much detail, I will go through it all and I'm sure it will help me.

springy Yes it sis help me it feels like the first step on a long road to having a balanced happy life Smile So much makes sense now (my appalling behaviour at school my high IQ but consistent failures, my inability to keep friends)

Yes I am depressed but I think it's from a life time of battling this invisible disorder which manifests in ways which create obstacles to my goals Sad
Thanks so much for the advice about not beating myself Up I know you're right, I
got some advice from a thread about ADHD about making lists and organising time by factoring in getting dressed having a shower because I seem to have no concept of time and I don't get even the mundane things done (something as simple as closing the bottom drawer goes into my (do it later list)

Thanks for all your wise words xx

MaybeADHD · 19/05/2012 19:55

I know Ive buggered up the name change but I am omtaretutareturesoha Smile

springydaffs · 19/05/2012 20:14

I do appreciate your fear of having things on your medical records (which you feel may scupper your chosen career) but I do think this is unfounded. ie you clearly need some specialised support and can't be battling away with this on your own. I keep a very close eye indeed on my medical notes and watch like a hawk what goes on them, getting things taken off that I don't want on them, or arguing over the wording. I've also worked in admin in a hospital and confidentiality has everything locked in so tight it's almost impossible to get even basic info about a patient! I really don't think you need to worry. You can also talk to your GP about your concerns about your MH and your career - see what they say (you are more protected than you think). Do ask to see what is on your notes eg I recently fought to have a detailed MH assessment taken off my GP notes and I was successful.

re the support groups and thinking others have it far worse off: really, apart from it being nobody's business what you do in private (addictions are notoriously secret and we are masters at hiding them - people who go to addiction support groups know this, that you can't judge a book by its cover), you have a right to be there if you are an overeater. I am too but you wouldn't know it to look at me. That's the nature of addiction.

I can vouch for CODA (Codependents Anonymous) as a brilliant way to tackle worrying more about other people than yourself (she says, simplistically LOL). It's more complex than that but that is the overriding symptom.

MaybeADHD · 19/05/2012 20:42

Thanks for the reassurance springy Smile

Thanks also for telling me about CODA, I have never heard of them so that will be something I look into.

My Overeating is strange, I am a size twelve and I genuinely love healthy fresh food, I just overeat then starve myself for a day of two afterwards, so people always say, oh youre so healthy but it's my attitude that's disorderly!

Yes I do worry about others more than myself, I will look for some lit about this.

Good luck on your journey though youre much further along than me Smile

springydaffs · 19/05/2012 20:56

I'm just older sweetie, that's all - lifetime of battling with this stuff! Got it down to a fine art now Wink

daffydowndilly · 22/05/2012 14:38

If you go to NA, just like everyone else say you are an addict. And there will be others there who are overeaters too. No one will discriminate, I have even been to NA meetings 'just' for codependence. I promise your problems will not be any lesser than other people there, and it will surprise you how much you have in common.

No idea about GP records and careers. But honestly I wouldn't worry about it, or perhaps go and be honest and ask your GP before you got into details. I have anxiety and depression and over a year's worth of therapy, on my various records now, but I would not be as happy or as alive if I hadn't gotten help.

Re: codependency being the root of all addiction, that I have heard a lot but saw written down in one of Bradshaw's books. Codependency was first identified with spouses of alcoholics, as they had similar issues. But it is much broader than that. Basically it is a spectrum, where from 1-10 everyone has codependent traits, it just depends on where along the scale you lie. It comes from growing up in a moderately (basically everyone) to severely (e.g. alcoholic) dysfunctional family.

There are lots of great books out there. The best are:
Anything by Pia Mellody, Melodie Beattie, John Bradshaw and I really like 'codependency for dummies' by Darlene Lancer.

There is a great little card CoDA publish that summarises codependence.

Difficulty maintaining health relationships with yourself, others and life.

Do you experience problems with:
Controlling behaviour
Obsessive thinking
Compulsive helping and advice giving
Feeling victimised and angry
Resentments towards others and life
Difficulty identifying feelings
Difficulty making decisions
Only feeling good when you can help others
Perfectionism and critical inner voice
Low self esteem or feeling better than others
Unable to say no or set boundaries
Fear and Avoidance

Again from CoDA: which helps understand codependency

CODEPENDENCY & RECOVERY - The Differences

In co-dependency, my good feelings stem from you liking me; In Recovery my good feelings stem from me liking me.

In co-dependency, my good feelings stem from your approval; In Recovery, it?s self-approval that determines my good feelings.

In co-dependency, your struggle affects my serenity; In Recovery, your struggle matters because I care about you, but it does not control how I feel about myself.

In co-dependency, my self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems, relieving your pain; In Recovery, my self-esteem comes from solving my problems, sometimes experiencing my pain.

In co-dependency, my mental attention is focused on pleasing you; In Recovery, I?m free to please me even when it may not please you.

In co-dependency, my mental attention is focused on protecting you; In Recovery, I protect me, even if sometimes you must protect yourself without my help.

In co-dependency, I may disguise my feelings, manipulating you to do it my way. In Recovery, I tell the truth about my feelings, regardless of the consequence.

In co-dependency, my hobbies and interests are put aside; your hobbies and interests dominate; In Recovery, I pursue my hobbies and interests, even if that means spending time away from you.

In co-dependency, your clothing, behaviour and appearance are dictated by me, as you are a reflection of me; In Recovery, you dress, behave and appear as you wish, regardless of how it makes me feel.

In co-dependency, I am not aware of what I want; I ask and am aware of what you want; In Recovery, I am not only conscious of my own wants; I verbalise and take action to achieve them.

In co-dependency, my dreams I have for my future are all linked to you; In Recovery, my dreams are my own even if they do include you.

In co-dependency, my fear of your rejection determines what I say or do; In Recovery, my commitment to strength, hope and recovery determines what I say or do.

In co-dependency, I?m afraid of your anger, it determines what I say or do; In Recovery, I have no control over your anger and it has no control over me.

In co-dependency, I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship; In Recovery, I can still give because pleasing you pleases me, but I want to receive as well. And that two-way connection has nothing to do with safety or fear.

In co-dependency, my social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you; In Recovery, I hope that you?ll like my friends, but if you don?t, I?ll understand.

In co-dependency, I put my values aside to connect with you; In Recovery, my values are mine, as the core of my being they are sacrosanct.

In co-dependency, I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own. In Recovery, I value your opinion and procedures, but not at the expense of mine.

In co-dependency, the quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours; In Recovery, the quality of our lives is separate, with clear boundaries separating the two.

In co-dependency I tell everything right away, seek intimacy at the first meeting, and fall in love before I have any real information about who you are and what you can contribute to my life; In Recovery, I allow time and friendship to intercede; I am not overwhelmed by you and can discern inappropriate behaviour.

In co-dependency, when something needs to be done and no one is willing to do it, I automatically assume responsibility saying, ?someone has to do it?. In Recovery, I operate from a position of choice, letting go, trusting to a Higher Power when circumstances dictate my saying ?no? to someone else?s needs.

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