Depression and Panic means im having to leave work. Feel such a failure.

[cupcake78]

I've been off work for the last month as a result of the depression, panic and anxiety. I decided on a month off after being persuaded by some very good friends that work was making me ill (I have a very emotional and stressful job). I decided last week (after feeling so much better) that I wanted to go back and put everything in place. It seemed like such a positive move and I was pleased about it, but that only lasted for all of a minute.

Ever since then ive been waking up with panic and anxiety and the gloom has come back to haunt me. Friday night I didn't sleep, just paniced and wished to god I hadnt arranged to go back. I was back to the silly thinking of jumping of bridges etc as the only way out. I phoned a friend at 3am and then woke DH up at 4am to say I really couldnt go back to work. He has been supportive although hes not a natural communicator and tends to retreat in times of trouble.

Today I tell my boss and im terrified its the wrong decision. Financially we will survive but it will be tight. I have a 4yr old son and an amazing husband and I feel so bad that I am unable to work and help them after being supported through uni and getting a good opportunity that other students would give their arm for. Its making me feel like such a failure. My optomistic side had been swallowed up by the illness which im still struggling to admit to myself. I cant see a future that doesn't involve fluoxetine (started 4 wks ago) and panic attacks.

It does sound like you are nowhere near ready to return and instead of understanding that this is because you are not better yet you blame yourself and call yourself a failure. It's an old chestnut, but replace axiety and depression with heart condition, diabetes etc and you would not treat yourself in the same way.

I do understand a bit how you feel. I took a 3 month sabbatical to have therapy when I had bad PTSD a few years ago. As the end of the 3 months approached I had only just started to relax a bit and was exhausted from the impact of the treatment. I spoke to good friends who simply told me I was not ready to go back. Dh said the same. I took another 3 months. It was hard. I cried. But it was the right decision.

4 weeks on ADs is barely enough to see them work let alone wonder about life without them. You really need to cut yourself some slack and stop beating yourself up.

Is your GP referring you for CBT or counselling too?

I am having a set number of counselling sessions, its not through my gp but i am on their very long list. I know the reasons for my depression and am really trying to address them. Loneliness is one of them and thats part of the worry of not working. Not that the job really gave me alot of support but it did give me a purpose. I am very financially orientated and if im not earning I feel like im sponging.

So many people have told me im hard on myself and just to stop and realise I am human and normal. Im very good at accepting others but rubbish when it comes to me. I will take on everything to help others but when I need it I feel like a waste of space.

oh Cupcake! I'm sorry to hear what distress you're in!

A month of isn't very long at all. Are you sure now is a good time to be making this sort of descision? It sounds like your ADs had just started to work, but the rest of things hadn't been sorted so you back-slid (as happened to me, as well. I'm now signed off having been resistant to the idea 2 months ago when I started my meds and other times when I'd been offered )

If you haven't talked to your boss yet, could you change it to "I was wrong, I'm not ready to come back yet"? Have you spoken with your councellor about each point of view (working vs not)?

Once you're sure you're better, you can think about if it's that THAT particular role isn't right for you. It does sound like some sort of job might be right for you? Or possibly you could do that job/career but part time? I've been wanting to go part time for about 18 months now. I'll be insisting on it when I'm well enough to go back

I wish it was that simple. Im self-employed and this is a role im sub-contracted to fill so I either fulfill the committment or leave. Im unable to do to the work, they need the work doing, im replaced.

Ive just finalised it. Im very sad to be having to do this it has been a heartbreaking decision especially considering the serious lack of jobs in my profession. I am trying to think of it as another door will open etc. The deed is done now I need to work out how I go forward (Im having a rare lucid moment...wooo)

Ah, that makes sense :(

You are definately opening the door to an improved you, and a much stronger outlook. This will benefit your career, as you will then have the strength and confidence to go after the few jobs that do turn up.

and YAY! :o for lucid moments :o

I don't know if this helps but when I fell ill with PTSD I had just returned from maternity leave and was working part time as a supervising lawyer in a busy immigration law practice. I was made redundant when the office was closed and I ended up taking a supporting role in a law centre. No more supervising, no more court appearances, no more lying awake over targets and budgets but still working (like you I need to be working). Two years down the line I'm starting to look further ahead again to what I could be doing in the future.

Sometimes a step back is not a bad thing. Maybe you can find a different kind of job with less pressure just for now.

I am going to try and do some work for a charity that I have worked for yrs for. I am also cosidering attempting to advertise for some private work. I have had a good think overnight (sleep is not easy to get with my head at the moment) and I need to learn to like myself and accept that work doesn't define me and that in my own right I am worthwhile and a good person.

Although I have come a long way I think ive got a very long way still to go.