Hey OP, I know how you feel. I'm having a bad day on that front
I wonder if it's shame tbh. Like a deep shame/rejection that you (we) aren't worthwhile, that there's something wrong with us. it's tosh, mind. really, it really is.
In my dreams, I do wish I could find a community that is, well, not judgemental. I have found a group - a depression support group - that somehow has this astonishing ability to just accept one another as we are . It is a great relief - though it is not necessarily a social group (we do have socials but people are quite poorly sometimes and can't get the social side sparked up...). What it does, being in a community that just accepts , is that it makes one less self-conscious (self-critical), and therefore who we are can come out with no fanfare; it isn't a deal. It's great, actually.
where are they today??
I find that I am gravitating much more towards people like this ie people who have suffered enough a bit that they don't cast the first stone iyswim. They know that people need to give them some slack, be not so quick to make a judgement, or a bar that is set at a particular place that must be jumped or watch out!; so they give others slack. I find that I am currently unable to take the 'normal' (normal! what's fucking normal when it's at home??) rough and tumble of 'normal' social interaction.
Here's the thing: (if I may just ramble on this Bad Day): there is such a fear/risk to intimacy and it could be that, as intimacy looms, we panic. Rabbit/headlights. I know that I have, parituclarly in primary years, been judged and 'categorised' to a relentless degree. I recently became, briefly, quite deeply involved with some people who, when I met them, immediately gave me a critique of what they thought of me. It was not welcome and I found it alarming! They were quite complementary but it just seemed bizarre to me. I don't meet people and think 'hmm you're blah and blah and blah' - it doesn't occur to me. It's judging really: ah yes, you belong in that box. (ridiculous! I may be in one box one day but in an entirely different box another. Human beings are complex, no? varied!).
I find all the categorising a bit erm claustrophobic if I'm honest fuck off with your judgements and your categorising. But maybe that's just me - and maybe that's just me at the moment . Things are not good for me right now - as they very probably aren't for you BikeSheds re bereavement (knocks the stuffing out of you) - and that can magnify things re underlying anxieties - particularly social anxieties - can take on giant, distorted , proportions.
You've managed to establish a close relationship with one person - hats off to you, it's no mean feat! - so you're not entirely incapable of intimacy. You can make a relationship work. Social relationships are far harder to pin down though - you can sulk with your partner but you can't (necessarily) sulk with a friend...
btw do stop apologising for your thread. You're obviously feeling very ashamed of what you perceive as appalling social failure and think it's going to be bringing everybody down. You talk as if loneliness isn't the scourge of the modern age and huge swathes of people groan under it! Any number of people will read your OP and recognise it. It's the top taboo subject these days, which hardly helps eh?
resists apologising for long and rambling post 