The way I'm feeling doesn't feel right. Is it?

[SharpObject]

I've recently been feeling just not right.

I suffered many, many years ago, before DH's & DC with MH issues, meds, cbt etc and assumed I was well out of the woods.

I returned to work 6m ish ago and really struggled with irrational fears, knots in my stomach, that constant feeling of dread.

I hoped it would settle down, it did but now it is back and quite bad, I don't sleep unless I drink alchol, I can stay up all night scared and trying to control irrational fears of people breaking into the house etc

I'm shattered.

DC are old enough for me to drop them near to school, I spend the journey flitting from irrational fears that they have been run over or I am about to be involved in a massive car accident. I hold it togeather at the minute but inside I am a mess, I feel impending doom!

I'm taking it out on those I love, I have tried to get a DR appt but what do I say, they only have emergency appts left by the time I finish work and I'm not having feelings of ending it and I'm not critical.

On a side note (tmi) my periods are really heavy, never been like this before, I rage for a week beforehand, I'm under 40 just

Am I over worrying?

Sorry for the typos it has taken me since 4.30am this morning to feel brave enough to post this.

Just to clarify I only drink alchol after a few nights of scared and horrible late night no sleeps.

Alchol stops the fears setting in

I should not feel like this and have no time in our life for this to happen now.

I'm so scared and have noone in RL I can even begin to explain it to....

I have some Tramadol here, can I take it noe, go to bed eventually and then go to work in the morning?

Any thoughts?

Hi SharpObject, didn't want your OP to unanswered.

It sounds like you do need some help. I would really recommend making a GP appointment, could you go early in the morning or leave work early?

I've never taken Tramadol, don't know much about it. I'm not sure you're supposed to take if you've been drinking?

You have my full sympathy, I've had MH issues, depression and anxiety for most of my life. It is manageable :)

Keep talking, I'm here.

Hi SO,

didn't want to read and run.

I was in your position about 3 years ago, your instincts are right, it's not normal. Please go and see your GP, take time off, work don't need to know why you are seeing a GP afaik.

You sound exhausted. I have no experience of Tramadol but I hated the sleeping pills I had intially after seeing my GP, felt like I was drunk driving the next morning.

You (like me ) have been here before and recovered, you can get out of hole faster the second time, I promise. One of the reasons is that we can learn when things are feeling wrong and ask for help.

I have more to say but want to post asap.....

It's cheesy, but you've got me thinking of a poem my physcotherapist gave me and still refers back to every time I have a relaspe.....

Personally, I'm inbetween chapters 2 and 3. Better, not perfect, but still alive and I no longer have that dreadful fear you describe, by god I remember it well, and I even enjoy stuff now and then. Properly enjoy it.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
Bit it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

by Portia Nelson (There's a Hole in My Sidewalk)

I do feel it is all feeling wrong, lots of things don't feel right, I shouldn't feel like this when things maybe ok?

Tramadol isn't mine I want to speak to a GP but what do I say?

Without alchol in my system of a night time I can sleep, without it I think all sorts, people trying to get into the house, taking the Dc, DH dying whilst I sleep.....

and that is only when | should be sleeping... it gets worse during the day

Just re-read your OP, I didn't spot that you were unsure what to say to your GP surgery to get them to give you an appointment.

I had that taken out of my hands a bit when a friend at work discovered me in a sobbing heap on the floor of the loos (regular hiding spot back then) and dialled them for me, can't remember what she said.

I guess you could tell them you have crippling anxiety and its affecting your ability to function safely, or tell them its severe thrush, or tonsillisits or something, or insist you will only tell the GP / get them to get the GP to call you. The GP will not care that you told a porky I bet. They'll just be happy of the chance to help.

I so remember that fear. It's dreadful. I had to call a friend once bacuse I saw 4 police cars on the way to drop DS at nursery. I was so convinced some terrible attrocity was about to happen and I'd never see him again. Realising how 'wrong' my thinking had become kind of started there.

You know, these hideous, scary perceptions can be shoved back in a box, with some help.

How do you feel about calling your GP in the morning?

Is there anything that can help you to feel safe tonight? I had to give up drinking for a few years, it made everything worse for me. In it's place I used to listen to meditation CDs in bed as it blocked out background noises / stopped me listening for burglars etc

I need to ring at 8am but i need an after 5.30pm, they close at 6pm.

I have had alchol tonigh instead of tramadol, I need natural sleep.

I'm sobbing, I cant let anyone else now. I have resonsibilities (sp) in the morning

Oh and basic, but a hot water bottle is another thing that has helped me on many a sleepless night. And some lavender oil on the pillow. And maybe a soft toy

x post strong!

Oh sweetheart.

You are a mum, and we generally have all the responsibilities. And forget that that means we have to look after ourselves, so we can look after everyone else.

Can you call and get an appointment for once the DCs are in school? It's no different from a broken leg, in so many ways. If you had broken your leg you'd have to take time off tomorrow to deal with a medical emergency, how about telling work you have a good old sickness bug?

And, telling someone else (GP, DH, both) really can take away the 'power' of the anxiety / depression or whatever is causing you to see things a bit wrong.

Tramadol is very addictive and could cause rebound fear and feeling even more crappy. I loved it but it made me very angry the next day too if I took it a few days running. Suggest doctor and therapy.

I was tempted with tradmadol +. Im suffering,,,,,,,

Thank you for all your help last night and sorry for all the waffle.

I'm trying to call the GP now.

I was v waffle last night too.

Really pleased to hear you tried to call the doctor, any luck with an appointment?

Tch, waffly. Fucking phone!

Hi trying, I have an appointment for next Wednesday evening, now I have to try and work out what to say so it makes sense!

Feeling calmer today although I did cry on the phone, poor receptionist

Well done SO, thats the hardest step done [smile ] I expect the receptionists prefer tears to swearing, think they get lots of both....

Try not to worry about what to say. It'll just come tumbling out once you get going.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit calmer. There are always lovely people around here whenever you need a bit of hand holding. Well, and blethers like me

I really should use preview sometimes....

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Your OP almost crackles with anxiety.

Just waffled on about how you have to go and see your GP, then saw that you've got an appointment. I'm really glad about that :)

If you're worried about not being able to express yourself properly, why not try writing it down? Or at least making a note of the most important points, so that you don't have to worry about forgetting them?

Thank you for your posts and helpfull advice.

I'm scared that if I tell the DR everything that is going on in my head they will want to sign me off with stromg meds.

It isn't an option to stop life for now, I'm not at that junction just yet...

Sharpobject,

Ive only read your first post hun but I know exactly how you feel.Ive just posted about fears I have about asking for help, im scared they will put me on medication I really dont need.
I too suffer from irrational fears like yours, i drop kids of at school and every siren i hear i think is something to do with them, if i cant get hold of ds1 on phone I imagine all sorts of horrific scenes. I know its irrational but my head is telling me it could happen. Ive had real problems with 2 of my kids and my family history isnt great with panic attacks and other M.I s so dont feel your on your own.Im going to ask for a little help, I dont want anti depressants but talking does help. Dont be afraid to ask for help hun x

Op well done for making tgat appt.

Tge only way you can get tge help you need is to be honest with the gp, what about writing it down if you don't know what to say, or print out your op?

That poem is so true.

You have regcognised that you need help, that is a good thing.