Every time I seem to get my life together, either my daughter gets ill - she has atopy and asthma and an immune disorder which makes her susceptible to every bug going - this has massive ramifications in that - when she's ill I can't see my boyfriend as our relationship is secret - and I can't WORK - OR something happens in my chaotic and dysfunctional family which requires my attention and focus - latest thing is my mum has gone blind and my siblings are squabbling in a King Lear fashion to be the most filial and all seem to have decided that I'm the one they want to confide in about the others - to the extent that I sent them all an email yesterday saying " I'm sure none of us has the headspace to deal with lengthy and emotional phone calls so let's just communicate about this by email" - and immediately got 3 texts going "Can we talk?"
I have a tendency to become very dark, and to self medicate - and I can hold these things in abeyance if my life has some semblance of order and control - if, for instance I have enough time to work, can get to the gym, and don't have to manage my (birth) family. However, as soon as two or more of these things disappear I seem to slip into a dark vortex of anger and despair, which is where I find myself this morning. This is really bad for my daughter, because she thinks that I'm angry with her for being ill, and although in a sense this is true because I'm frustrated that I can't work/go to gym/see bf when she's ill, OF COURSE I know that it's not her fault - and that really her being ill is just ANOTHER thing taking me off course.
Does any of this make sense?
I seem to fall into this pattern regularly, as my daughter seems to get ill regularly and my family is in a very difficult situation atm involving mental illness, abuse, and the general problems of having elderly parents, which has taken massive amounts of time and emotional energy over the past 2 years.
My bf - who is amazing - is also getting a bit fucked off with my preoccupation with my family and the regular illness of my daughter - and so I'm feeling the pressure from him as well.
I just want a simple life in which I can work, keep fit, and look after my kids - to me that seems reasonable, and yet it is not happening.
What do yous all think?