Love isn't enough.

[BonnieBumble]

I love my children but love is not enough. Love doesn't make a good parent. Love doesn't make me engage with them. Love doesn't give me patience.

Sometimes I have seen threads where mothers have said they are worried they are failing their children and posters have said that they are not failing them because they love them. This is wrong, I imagine that every parent no matter how cruel love their children on some level.

I am failing my children, they will not reach their full potential because of my ineffectual parenting skills.

I don't know why I have put this in mental health, I suppose it's that I feel that there must be something wrong with my brain, everyone can do this and I can't.

I love my children but it's not enough. It's nowhere near enough.

I know exactly how you feel! DD is driving me up the wall today, so I've plonked her in front of a DVD just so I don't have to deal with her for a little while... and all I can think is what a rubbish mum I am for doing so. I love her to bits, but I don't think I've got what it takes to be a good mum.

Not got any advice unfortunately, but wanted to let you know you're not the only feeling this way!

And how do you cope with knowing that you aren't a great mother? Do you just accept it or does it eat away inside you.

I find myself feeling resentful of good hands on mothers and really jealous of those who I perceive as having it easy.

Deep down inside I suspect that even if I had loads of help I would still be rubbish. It makes me full of self loathing.

I think you need some help. Not with your parenting but with your mental health/state of mind. There is no need for this kind of self loathing.

Oh and I know parents who don't love their children. Loads of them.

Maybe love is not enough (I'm not too sure though), but it's an awful lot.

I think it IS easier if you have lots of help. I don't have family nearby, but I really wish I had.

I try and do the best I can, and that's just got to be good enough. When I've had a bad day where I've been all shouty and impatient, I try and make up for it the next day. And I remind myself that I'm not actually neglecting or abusing DD - just not living up to my own ideal of the perfect mother.

On bad days I do worry that she won't love me because I've not been a good enough mum, and with hindsight I probably shouldn't have become a mum in the first place; but deep down I think she and I will both be fine. At least that's what I'm hoping...

you need to be a good enough mother

That's right C'est La Vie - there is proof that parents meeting their child's every need and want to more harm than good.

I hated some of the more mind numbing bits of the "play" when my dd was tiny. I wouldn't call myself a hugely hands on parent as regards sitting on the floor and playing with bits of crap Lego, My Little Pony etc.

However, my dd was at a creche from age 2, and later on with a very good childminder, and did all these things - just not with me.

I did do other stuff with her that we both enjoyed, btw.

I think we all try to be all things to our kids and then feel miserable when we fail to do every part of the parenting ourselves. But what if someone else is BETTER at a part you hate?

Outsourcing it to someone else who does it better, so long as it doesn't damage your relationship with your child, shouldn't be seen a a negative thing.

You wouldn't feel guilty if you were at work and your childminder cooked lunch for your child, would you, if it were a nice tasty balanced meal with organic ingredients and your child loved it?

Feeling a bit better now. I'm not the mother I wanted to be but I'm trying.

Bonnie, we all have days or weeks when we might feel terrible about our parenting skills. I think it's normal. It would be weird to feel that you're great all the time and don't make mistakes. Ironically, I think that kind of mother/father is the one who's most likely to fail at some point or other, really badly.

I think being self critical and self aware helps us become better parents. Obviously, we have to be careful not to fall too much into constant self hatred. Just keep ourselves in check.

So you're in the right path. We all try to do our best and learn from mistakes too. And I do agree that we should aim at being a good enough parent, never a perfect parent. Good luck! :)