In February I discovered my boyfriends affair. Totally unexpected. I thought he would never betray me, but he has and he is sorry and wants to stay with me.
My feelings are completely all over the place. Every day feels like an emotional rollercoaster and Im exhausted, and to be honest I think my boyfriend is too. The betrayal and upset of it has brought a lot of raw emotion to the surface about things that happened in the past. I have self harmed since it happened. I feel like self harming all the time since then a few months ago but havent. I have images in my head of killing myself every day. I loathe who I am and dont believe anything he tells me anymore. I want him to be affectionate to me and say nice things to me, but he doesnt even though he agreed he would. If anything happens or goes wrong, i instantly think its my fault. I keep trying to calm myself down and im trying to get on with life, but something keeps coming over me especially at night time when we go to bed, I get so angry and upset and overanalyse every little thing that he does. Im being so horrible to him that Im surprised he hasnt left me yet, but its got to stop but I just dont seem to be able to stop myself even though i want to. The day before last he didnt give me a cuddle or a kiss or be affectionate to me all day, and at the moment i feel so insecure I feel like I need a lot of comfort. When we finally went to bed I was kissing him and then he stopped wrapped his arms around the tops of my shoulders so I basically couldnt move, to get him to move I had to completely move out of his arms. He then rolled over and went to sleep. I was so angry, it was like a way to stop me kissing him and make me submissive...that sounds weird i know but it was weird and it really upset me that he didnt want me to kiss him. I didnt trust myself to say anything but the next day he didnt give me any affection all day again, but then when we went to bed he laid his arm half heartedly on me. We then had a bit of an argument about the night before. I feel so hurt and cant believe we cant communicate anymore. At the same time I dont believe Im being rational anymore about anything and dont know if I need some help. im crying or ranting all the time and frnakly, I would have left me by now. I wasnt like this before, I loved him completely and utterly and dont know why i keep spewing so much vile and vitriol at him. I hate myself and dont know how to stop. I keep trying to rationalise with myself and saying, I just need to concentrate on myself and making myself feel good, so I get up and put my make up on, and do my job and go running and go to zumba and look after the children and plan trips away...and things plod along for a few weeks, and then its back to me having a big fit at him again. i wish i could disappear, i really dont feel like anyone should have to put up with me anymore. 