Please please please help me :(

[Notmyselfatall]

Hi, don't know where to start, please bear with me, I have 2dc and I am
Pregnant with dc3, also single. One of my dc is severely disabled also. Have a lot on my plate. I have history of severe OCD and severe depression. My OCD is very very distressing, shows many sides, but the one that I am bothered with the most is horrific thoughts about my kids and the fear I will do these thoughts :( very upsetting. I have been feeling very low, but the last few days I have bn once again plagued by these horrific thoughts, when I'm well I can shake these thoughts off, when I am ill, getting ill etc, I cannot think of anything else and it seriously is debilitating :( even housework overwhelms me. I am on setraline, 100mg which I put up myself from 50mg last week in desperation as I felt so low, not as bad as I feel now though....my dr would not alter or change my meds even though I told her they were doing nothing. I am waiting on an
Appointment for the antenatal mental health team and she wouldn't change anything until I see them, but I still don't have an appointment and am desperate now :( I have tried pretty much every anti depressant. Citalopram works but after years of being on it I got immune to it. I was on diazepam too before I fell pregnant, as I get very anxious, panic attacks pains in
MY chest etc, I have diazepam 5mg here and really wanna take it as I know it would help me but I'm scared to because I'm pregnant. I only have my best friend, sister and parents in RL, but hardly ever see my sister, she never visits, my parents, I don't want to tell as I already feel a failure in their eyes. Never been able to live up to their expectations etc, they know about my mental health and looked after me when I was first diagnosed with severe OCD after birth of my dc2 and was nearly hospitalised. I have struggled on and off with it since just before the birth of dc1 11 years ago nearly. Was only diagnosed 5 years ago. I sometimes wonder if I'm actually bi polar :( but, right now, every time I see or speak to my parents I get it thrown in my face that I got preg this time too quick and never knew my exdp etc etc, I know all this, but it doesn't help to be told every other day, and how I will have 3dc to 2 different dads etc.... I feel like a total failure. To my kids, my parents, everyone. Was walking across the road last night to the shop and thought how easy it would be to just stand in the middle of the road and wait to be hit by a car :( I cannot go on like this. I'm very ill

Anyone?

Thought this would be the best place to post... :(

Where do you live? Have you got any family nearby?

Scotland. My family are bout 3 miles away

You poor girl. I think you need to be honest with your parents or sister.

Heyyyho, Thanku. Do u mean, I should tell them how I'm feeling?

You could be experiencing increased anxiety from the increase in dose. (Did you do this on your won without medical advice?). lots of people get side effects for a while with an increase.

Its worth making another GP appointment tomorrow. Ring them and say its an emergency. And then ask the GP to chase your mental health team appointment. Dont give up - just really push for help.

You're not a failure - thats the depression talking. And once those symptoms are better controlled things will get easier.

I think you need to talk to your family and tell them you need help. You also need to really push for some help until you get it, hard i know but you and your kids deserve it so hassle until you get to see someone you feel has a plan of action.

Yes absolutely tell them - all is not lost. You sound like you need some comfort and care, what happened with previous relationship? I take it he will not be supporting you? :(

Hi everyone. Ty for replying, means the world to me. Still feel crap don't have a crisis team, haven't relapsed in quite a while. Been pretty much 'well' since I got over it after dc2 was born. My gp surgery is all new to me, as me and kids moved house in oct as we had to move to an adapted flat for my ds's needs, he's just 5. Don't feel I cud tell the new doctors everything outright. My old gp at old surgery was fantastic I Defo need my meds changed and honestly think I need put on diazepam again. I still haven' t taken one but really need to.

Oh MN are truly shite today, FFS. Notmyself I posted this whole thing at about 2p.m and now it's gone. Idiots. I really do apologise for that. My message was something along the lines of 'Has your GP recommended counselling to you?' It sounds like you need something like that. You sound like you are in a very bad place and need some professional help to get out. I hope this message makes it to the board this time. I'm thinking of you.

Hiya chakotay, aww don't worry bout it, not your fault. I am in a dark place right now, the gp did tell me to call a number she gave me for a counsellor some months ago but I didn't as I felt ok. She was going on the basis that it was just to talk about my ds having severe special needs, but of course, it is not just that

Please do call a counsellor. And be honest, not just with what you tell her but whether you are gaining from it. It took me 4 counsellors before I got the one that helped. It was like a 'bingo' moment, realising that she and I were actually going to sort this out. If you get a counsellor and you are getting nowhere then ask for another one. Keep going, you will come out of this. I'll be back on this thread tomorrow to check up on you x

I dunno if it's a counsellor I need, I felt the psychologist was fantastic in helping me. Sadly she moved to another hospital, when I went Back to this psychologist, it was a guy younger than me! So needless to say this put me off for life :(

Oh you really are strugging NFM and it's small wonder. I am no medic but have suffered 2 major episodes of depression, so know the torment of this illness that still lays me low sometimes. I don't know much about OCD but I do know from other posts about the horrendous thoughts that go around in your head, and as these are about your children it must be so much worse. I know you are desperate but I think you probably know that to double your dose of ADs and it seems to have made you worse, so I think go back on 50mg till you see the GP. Did the GP prescribe the diazepam (if so was this before she knew you were pregnant) but I don't know whether it would be safe to take it. Are you in the first trimester.

Are you in a fit state to contact the ante natal mental health team asap and tell them that you are really struggling and ask for an urgent appt. OR you could ask the GP if she will try to get you an urgent appt.

I think your anxiety is sky high and this is why you are thinking you are bi-polar (think you would have been diagnosed by now) so I would put that out of your mind. You have suicidal thoughts (and I understand now scarey that is) and like you I have imagined so many scenarios when I could just "disappear" - I think it's called suicide ideation, that we have ideas, but not at high risk of carrying them out. All the same it is still very worrying and you need support.

SO - get in touch with your BestFriend/parents/sister (probably in that order) and admit how much you are struggling and as for some support. Could one of them chase this ante-natal MH team for you.

Try not to scare yourself any more with worrying about other MH illnesses that you don't have - you have enough already. Take things steady and post again if it helps.

Sending warm wishes x

ChakotayBlue -this keeps happening to me and have heard other posters saying the same. i have contacted MN who are sympathetic but just asked if I was clicking on "keep me logged in" and can't see that!

Nananina what a lovely reply, I am sorry you too suffer with depression :( its bloody awful isn't it....well, I caved in and took one 5mg diazepam, the guilt is overwhelming but I really didn't have a choice :( the diazepam was prescribed beforehand yeah, I am 15 weeks pregnant, so 2nd trimester. It took a LOT for me to take that diazepam because I have suffered 3 miscarriages in the past, I am going straight to dr in the morning. Don't care who I see, I need to
Get well. I texted my mum earlier and told her what today has been like, she told me to make an appointment as soon as as she knows how quick I can
Go down. I am now able to function and think straight since taking the diazepam, before I couldn't

No, you're right NanaNina, it was there, then it was gone.

Glad you're a bit calmer Notmyself.

Thanku chakotay