How do I come to terms with the abuse? Feel like a broken woman.long

[toptramp]

I have a lot of trouble getting over and abusive relationship from my past. I met him when I was 16 and he stalked me, put pressure on me to have sex with him and also pressure to date him. I dated him for 5 years. He was very controlling and controlled what I ate. I ended up dropping out of university as I developed anorexia due to his control. My family were frightened and I was very fucked up.
A few years later after I just about managed to get back on track he came back into my life and I ended up on a psychiatric ward for a month with suspected hypomania although i think being around him triggered it.
Since then I have managed to complete a degree and pgce but looking back I have never been quite 'well' since the relationship ended. I concieved dd in less than ideal circumstances and I remain single, lonely and depressed.

I am on citralopram waiting for the effects to kick in. Only 10mg might up to 20mg.

I do feel a bit 'stuck' in the past, especially regarding this relationship. I just feel like he ruined and damaged my life. He had so much control over me. I beat myself up for choosing him and all my other decisions. I think I need abuse councelling.

I am also aware that I might have a personality disorder. Finally I am struggling very much with motherhood, especially single motherhood. I feel unsupported and unloved. Since mum died last year I have the feeling that life is too short and that i hav eto live life to the max and yet I cannot live life to the max at all with my little dd. Instead I have to do 3 year old stuff which I find dull. I used to travel all over the world but I feel frightened to take dd anywhere. I am in a place I don't like.

What makes you think that you have a personality disorder? Without knowing more about you I can say that people who have been in a captive situation for any length of time can develop something called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the symptoms can mimic Borderline Personality Disorder.

You can easily see why here

I had CPTSD due to abuse issues and have made a good recovery with lots of counselling. Do you have access to counselling? (Not CBT).

Hi Toptramp, sorry you feel like this. Have you considered calling Women's Aid? Sometimes having somebody to talk to can help. Also, consider posting this in Relationships, you'll get more answers from many clever people.

There is the Freedom Programme.

Good luck. :)

Was your ex older than you by any chance?

"He had so much control over me. I beat myself up for choosing him and all my other decisions."

He controlled you and everything you did- why do you feel that you 'chose' him? Please don't beat yourself up for that. He engineered it, it was not your choice; nor was it your fault. You didn't have a choice.

I have a three year old too- it is boring. Are you working at all? You mention a PGCE in passing; I am a teacher too, and the PGCE was one of the hardest years of my life. Don't belittle this achievement, it's huge. Secondary or primary?

I agree that counselling could really benefit you, and wholeheartedly agree with madmouse that CBT would not be appropriate.

Hi tethers, No my ex was younger actually abut shorter than me. Mabe he had an inferiority complex?!

I did do the PGCE but only just scraped through as was depressed and kept falling out with members of staff. I once refused to do a scheme of work. Not sure why but looking back I was probably ill. Also I got knocked up on my NQT year and dumped and had a horrid time with staff again. It was the worst time to get pregnant and I always feel wierd about how I concieved my dd.

Now I am working again and i have a much better attitude towards work. I sometimes feel that I self- sabotage and tbh I am tired of it.In fact I have no idea why I made many of my major life decisions. They really havn't got me anywhere.

I think I lost it a bit during my PGCE but just plodded on.

It doesn't matter how you did your PGCE, you did it. Huge achievement.

I assume that you completed/are completing your NQT year as you are working now. It's really tough to balance teaching with looking after your own child as both can take a lot out of you emotionally. It sounds as if you've got no reserves left to look after yourself and recover from what this awful man did to you.

Is there anyone who can have DD on a regular basis? Or could you afford to drop from five days to four (assuming you are working full time)?

You need to build time in your life to meet your own needs, of which counselling is likely to form a part.

Hi no havn't completed NQT year as only doing tuition and one lesson of casual teaching. Don't want to attempt it until dd is older. The awful man did this to me over 10 years ago. Surely I should be over it by now?

How on earth have you had time to get over it?

There is no time limit.

Besides, you have identified this relationship as a likely root of your problems- that takes some people years to do. It's part of the 'getting over it' process. In many ways, you are halfway down the road and now just need some support to do the rest.

You don't always get 'over it' just by the passage of time.

Hi all. Thanks so much for your help. Will look into councelling. Is there a specialist type and why is cbt a no no. I have to say I din't find cbt dramaticlly helpful.

CBT helps with coping strategies in the here and now, not with sorting out any deeper issues. There's no point for example to try and teach you strategies to stop self harming if nothing is done to address the underlying self loathing and shame.

The suggestion of Women's Aid was good, or contact your local rape crisis centre. If you're in the Midlands there's a very good charity that offers counselling to abuse survivors - ask me.

oh gosh; was it rape? I don't know as i did put out albiet under a lot of pressure, I never enjoyed it 100% with this man though.xx

I don't know if it was rape, but it sounds you did not actually freely consent to much in the relationship.

Don't get freaked out by a word. If you don't want to call it rape don't do it. Just mentioning some sources of help that's all.

Just be aware that you don't have to have been screaming for help and fighting him off for it to be rape. But it's for you to decide.