Finding life tough with no support

[grumpbubbles]

I'm almost 40 and have two gorgeous daughters and a lovely DH. Daughters are 6 and 2, the 2 year old is a real handful and also an early waker.

I have no family of my own - suffered years of emotional abuse from my own mother (she had isolated my father from our lives). I think in the end I realised she had a personality disorder when she tried to wreak havoc on our wedding and told my family all sorts of lies intending they would fall out with me (and she succeeded). I therefore lost my uncle and cousins around the time of the wedding (10 years ago) and decided to cut contact with my mother 3 years ago, which meant my younger sister also took her side and I lost her too.

On DH's side, he has fit and healthy parents living 3 miles away and a severely alcoholic brother 100 miles away who's only real contribution to our lives is to phone up pissed or needing emotional support. Both his parents were raised in quite cold households (MILS mother very cold, schizophrenic brother, FILS parents Irish catholics with little emotional connection to their kids).

My inlaws are 62 and 63 years old respectively. They are fit and healthy, retired early, have no money worries and enjoy foreign holidays. In their day to day lives they seem quite bored and lacking direction/ideas - they get up at 10.30am and sometimes go out riding on buses with their bus passes to fill their time. They have never shown any interest in our girls aside from sending presents for birthdays/xmas and the occasional visit. They tend to invite us over for a cold buffet lunch on boxing day and that's the extent of their hospitality. We have always had them for the occasional sunday lunch or BBQ but I'm beginning to feel resentful of this being a 'one way street' especially when we have two small kids to look after while cooking lunch and they can cook unhindered.

My MIL retired 2 years ago and since then has made a point of visiting once a week. She now collects DD1 from school on Thursdays but this definitely arose when she retired and feels like something to fill her time rather than a desire to see the children - FIL never accompanies her (she usually tells the girls he's cooking the dinner) and when I arrive home from work with DD2 collected from nursery, MIL always looks at the clock and says she needs to leave before the traffic gets too bad (the traffic is not bad). The result is that DD2 rarely spends time with her grandparents. Grandparents have never taken DD2 out of the house. They have occasionally looked after DD1 during school holidays if I drop her off and have taken her to the park a couple of times. They have declined to spend xmas with us, refused to come to nativity plays and apparently 'don't celebrate Easter' - though they bring eggs for the girls.

I ought to clarify by saying we are not dreadful people and nor are our girls badly behaved. DD1 is beautifully behaved, well mannered and bright. DD2 is your average nearly 3 year old, energetic but funny and responds to verbal discipline. Both of them are easy to put to bed at night and have a good routine.

This has been our situation for such a long time but I think just recently this lack of support is really beginning to take it's toll. Having never had a break from the children (or any emotional or practical support) in 7 years we are now considering taking separate breaks (alone) to get some headspace. I feel sad that we've come to this. It is especially brought home to me when I consider that almost everyone we know has some sort of relative who offers something to their lives in one way or another - many of our friends holiday with their parents, parents come to vista and offer practical support, even if it's just brewing the kettle (mine sit and wait for me to brew up). Even somebody to have a conversation with would be a bonus, especially as DH works weekends.

The final straw came last week - it was DH's 40th birthday and his parents had agreed to babysit so we could go out. The kids were late going to bed as they were excited to see grandparents and it was getting to the point we had to go out for our meal. MIL was clearly unimpressed we were going out without putting the children to bed. I couldn't believe the face she was pulling - her son's 40th birthday and she couldn't even put the kids in their beds. What we really wanted was a night in a hotel but we knew there was no chance.

I'm really beginning to feel at my wits end about our isolation. I have considered separation from my husband in order that we can formally take turns to look after the children away from the other parent as this is the only way I can see us getting any break. I do work but only 3 days and this helps but doesn't solve the issue of feeling like we've been abandoned. My mental health is really suffering and I feel I just need to run away from this desperate situation - I never thought before we had kids we'd be left so alone after they were born.

I'm sorry I got a bit lost halfway through your post. I sympathise with your situation to an extend, we are immigrants and our only family is my dad and stepmum overseas.

But you seem to have a bit of a sense of entitlement, a fixed idea of what your in-laws ought to be offering. But it's your family and your children. We've not been away from ds for the night in the 4 years we've had him and I can't say it's that desperate a situation. Babysitters can be found in the form of young people needing some pocket money or even better the friends you make for yourself and with whom you can share the ups and downs of life. Our close friends are like family to us and certainly form ds's family network.

I must say I'm rather at this talk of separating so you can have a break. I really don't think you help yourself by thinking that kind of nonsense. I suspect you would benefit from some counselling to help you come to terms with your own childhood. For some reason being let down by your parents can raise your expectations of what parents should be like.

Find yourself some friends among your neighbours, other parents, clubs etc. Stop waiting for the parents to deliver what you think they should.

I am sorry you are feeling so desperate.
It is really not the case that everyone has help with their children.
Most people do not have family or friends help.

It doesnt sound as if you are going to get input from family so I think you need to let that idea go.

Can you think of any alternatives? Why do you feel the need for a break so strongly?

because I can't see another way to get a break. DH works weekends - I am alone with the kids a lot. I've really lost the will to know what to do with them anymore - plenty of friends but weekends are their family time (their husbands don't work weekends).

DD2 still needs a sleep in the day otherwise she's really grumpy. DD1 and I work around this, it's quite limiting as she won't sleep unless she's actually in her bed. We spend a lot of time sitting around the house bored out of our minds, which drives me insane as before I had kids I was very active.

I think our marriage has really suffered, I'm not sure there's actually a marriage left - we are both so exhausted. I have said this to MIL and she laughed. I don't think this is a 'normal' reaction to being told your son's marriage is in difficulty, that's nothing to do with feeling let down by your own childhood or needing counselling or expecting too much. I think it's an odd reaction full stop.

I posted here because my mental health is not great ATM, responses are more like I've posted in AIBU.

sorry, I meant the first response, not the second. How do you know most people don't have help or support? Genuinely - I'm thinking about the other mums on the school run - there are 14 girls in DD1s class and at least 4 are collected every night by grandparents, 9 I know of holiday with grandparents. I am the only mum who has no mother/father/sister/auntie/cousin.

We were all out in the pub last night - One mother has just been given £20,000 for a deposit on a house by her in laws, one had sent the kids to grannies for the weekend another had her MIL taking the kids to a west end show tomorrow. Another told me her FIL/MIL had taken the kids for new trainers, one has a mother who goes into the school to help read to the kids, another spends every other weekend with her parents in the next county.

Our friends just had a baby - I went over to visit last Monday - baby is 3 weeks old, her mother had been staying for 2 weeks, her MIL was there when I arrived - putting out the washing and playing with their toddler. They are trying to decide on summer holidays and have been invited away by her parents to Portugal give them a break from the kids - another offer from her BIL to go away with them.

It's clear to me from school gate conversations and from our friends that we are completely unlike everyone else in DD1s year group or our group of friends - I'm not sure its true that most people don't have help - from my perspective it seems most people do.

I do think you are wrong to say that everyone else has it so much better. Isolation is an increasing problem for young families and mums in particular. Read MN, see how often someone posts to say they feel they have no one.

My dad and stepmum came over following ds's birth for 5 days. He was still in NICU when they left. No one liked it but that's how things were. Not everyone has mothers run after them for 2 months.

I do not really appreciate the comment about AIBU. I'm a frequent poster on here and known to speak my mind but never deliberately to upset. Posting on MN means you will get a number of responses some of which you find more helpful than others.

My main point remains that it would be better to stop sulking in a corner demanding family support and instead make efforts to create supportive friendship.

Having your inlaws pick up your daughter from school once a week is far more than we get
No family nearby at all
Maybe you should see the doctor as you do sound unable to cope

I am a little confused grumpbubbles because it is only that last line of your OP that mentions that your mental health is not "great" - can you give more details. You also mention about you and your husband separating so you can have "formal breaks" which on the face of it does sound very odd indeed, unless you are having marital difficulties and this is the reason you are considering separating.

I think your main problem is the trauma that you experienced in your own childhood and of course such difficulties follow us into adulthood. Your DH also has probably not experienced a nurturing childhood, as you mention that your PILs were brought up by cold parents without any emotional connection. The way we were parented as children has a great impact on the way we parent, and you seem to be a caring mother, which I think is a credit to you given the emotional abuse you have suffered. What of your DH's childhood - how would he describe it.

Having said that, I just don't really understand why you have this expectation of your PILs and somehow feel "hard done by" because of what different PILs your friends have. There is little point in having expectations that are not going to be fulfilled. I may be wrong but your PILs had "cold" parents themselves, they passed that on to their children presumably (as that is what usually happens) and they are now behaving in the same "cold" way with their grandchildren. Leopards don't usually change their spots.

You do say same strange things in your post i.e. that you and your 6 year old have to sit around the house feeling bored "out of your minds" because the little one is asleep. Is this not a time when you can put your feet up (6 year old maybe watch a DVD) or better still use this time to give one on one attention. I don't think there can be many mothers who work 3 days a week and have 2 young children who will be bored because one of them is asleep.

I think this envy of people with better PILs is getting the better of you and has almost become an obsession. I honestly think you would benefit from counselling to unearth the trauma that you suffered as a child, and maybe make this more manageable, rather than obsessing about the PILs.

Oh and madmouse is right, she is a very frequent contributor and does tend to be direct as she says, but she is very wise and has helped many people on the MH threads, and as you can imagine, has troubles of her own, as we all do on the thread.

I can only go by what I see and what I hear OP.

We obviously live in very different areas and mix in very different circles.

I think you sound depressed, not helped by the situation with your own family, and that is why you are focussing on your inlaws and what you perceive as their lack of interest.

In truth they sound like many other grandparents. Involved to a certain degree but keeping a distance you don't want. Not that bad tbh. I think as your children get older it will get easier.

I'm 43 and my lovely inlaws died within a year of each other. I work three days a week also and my mum is a massive hypochondriac and doesn't really do anything more lively than sit on the sofa acting like she's 90. She means well but has never been much practical support and has lots of 'issues.' My dad is great but at 77 i don't want him running around after me.

I could look around me and think people seem to have massive support from their families, have a break on holiday etc but i'll bet the majority have to get on with it like us.

Having a two year old is hard work right now. I would talk to your H and maybe he could have a chat with his parents and see if you could get away for the weekend to recharge your batteries.