I have posted before.
My H has recently started taking AD's -about 10 days ago-and so I know it is early days yet. But I am finding it really hard to cope as he is just such hard work and I can't help but feel angry with him at times.
I know that sounds so bad and doesn't help, but I suppose I feel like a lot of it has been bought on himself. He has been trying to give up smoking weed, of which he used to smoke a lot in the evenings. He is a SAHP, I work in a stressful job and this time last year upon returning to work when lo was 8 wks old I was bullied by my boss even though my baby was suffering really bad reflux and H was hopeless. My GP signed me off work but I was so afraid of losing my job that under pressure I returned - H would not support me when I said that I was going to make a stand and not return but it could mean I could end up losing my job. We already had financial pressures and he refused to seek some part time work to help out.
Because he smoked weed in the evenings when I returned from work I did everything for the children - fed them, played with them, bathed them and put them to bed. He never had any time for me, would just be outside smoking or in the office on the computer.
After Xmas and much thought I realised that his smoking would never change and although I didn't want my children to have to live without H I could see that it was probably a better solution. I guess I started to see a different life and perhaps stopped being such a doormat.
I must have appeared outwardly stronger and this seemed to unsettle H.
One evening he came home and asked if I really loved him and said he wanted to give up the smoking. I thought this was a good thing and was prepared to stand by him to see if things could get better.
However, paranoia started to set in and he seemed to be constantly quizzing me on what i was doing and get incredibly needy. He wanted to be around me hugging me all the time and needed me to be expressing/showing love constantly. It was hard for me as it was such a turnaround and I suppose we were starting from a low point anyway - he had allowed me in my fragile state to have to cope/worry about everything whilst he indulged his habit and now wanted me to indulge his need for love.
As if this wasn't enough he then seemed to be testing me, had I really been where I said I had etc - it was so hard and I couldn't help but be angry with him when he made these accusations and quizzed me/picked me up on things. He keeps saying how lonely he is, and I am sure he is, but as sorry as I feel for him I cannot be the one to make him all ok.
And so now I am hoping that the AD's will kick in and that he will become less needy and we might be able to start to rebuild a relationship together, but a part of me worries that he will always be demanding so much of me, and I cannot give any more. He is making me feel cross towards him because he has made my life very difficult in recent years with his drug habit, and now by the depression. I feel like it could all bring me down again and I don't want to go back to that.
Maybe I am just not a very nice person, after all I have suffered depression myself and maybe I should be more understanding?