A year ago today

[SpringHasSprungALeak]

This is my first post in MH, mainly because I hate to admit I have MH problems.

A year ago today I finally admitted to myself that I needed to be seen at the doctors for depression. It was also the day that I broke down completely and "ran away". I packed 2 suitcases, got on a train and just went. I got to Weston super Mare (3 hours from me by train), sat on a bench and cried. I was terrified of what I was going to do. I was hot, hungry and thirsty. I couldn't go into Tesco with my suitcases (well, in my current state of mind I couldn't) so I just sat and cried. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I dont know what made me go to Weston. In the end I rang my mum and she came and got me.

I started on 20mg of citalopram, increased them to 40mg. I met my wonderful boyfriend in October last year and with his help have been trying to come off the tablets. I went back to 20mg and then around February went to 10mg. In March I started taking every other day, then went every 2 days and then every 3 days. I then had a MAJOR meltdown last week. I was coming off the tablets too quickly, I've had an awful 2 or 3 weeks, extremely depressed again, felt a little suicidal last week. Now back taking 10mg every day. I feel like a failure that I have increased my intake again.

But in the past year I've fallen in love and I WILL DO THIS. I will lead a normal life without relying on tablets.

A year ago today I couldn't get any lower. It's been a struggle but I feel a million times better now than I did then.

Yes, you have come so far in a year . That is an amazing Achievement! So sad to think of you a year ago but know that when you returned home with your mum you were ready to fight this horrible thing. And you are still fighting! Stay strong.

A counsellor once told me not to worry when I had a relapse after weeks of being happy. I was so upset that this was a sign of lots of pain to come. He said he didn't look at how many times I fell back into depression, instead he looked at how quickly I was able to gain control again. That's how I knew i was improving. I took it step by step, day by day. That's all you can do too.

How can you feel like a failure? Look how you have turned things round in a year with the help of the tablets.

10mg is a very low dose (I started on 20mg) and in a while you can try to come off them again.

Good luck, you are doing so well. I expect this time last year you wouldn't have believed you could feel like you do now.

You're not relying on tablets. It's not the tablets that keep you going, they're just giving you a bit of support. Give yourself credit where it's due and the time and space to fully recover.

Aww, Spring- I just couldn't read and not post.

You are doing so well! Really, really well. Don't beat yourself up about having a few down days, or even if it becomes more than than a bit down, like it has recently. You most certainly are not a failure because you've had to increase your dose of AD's. If it helps, try to look at it this way. If you had a physical illness, you might need to take medication every day in order to maintain a 'normal' life. But needing to take the medication doesn't mean you are weak, or not trying hard enough- you have a legitimate need for it, and it makes you life easier. Try thinking of the AD's like this. As Madmouse says, you are not relying on the tablets; they are just making things easier for you right now. Take it one step at a time, and things will happen at a pace that's right for you, even if it feels frustratingly slow at times.

Hope this helps...