feeling desperate and so guilty

[olivever]

Am feeling scared to post this, in case I get negative replies even worse than the ideas in my own head... But here goes. I am feeling really bad and slipping into a depression because of a termination I had a year ago. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and had very bad AND and PND with my first dc, ending up with me in a psychiatric hospital for a month. It was a pregnancy I had major doubts about but didn't dare to terminate. Slowly the depression got better, so much that I decided to have another dc, and that pregnancy was much better, but i still had PND and anxiety after. Have suffered for a long time with the awful guilt of not having been a great mother to my lovely lovely dc during the depressions. My relationship with DP has also suffered a lot, endless arguments, threats by each of us to leave, etc. But last year I felt we were finally getting back on track, with the two dc doing well, me feeling better and looking forward to going back to work part-time, which always helps me, and me and DP getting on a lot better at last. My younger dc was 11 months when I found out I was pg again, completely by accident. I felt I couldn't cope with another child so soon, given how I/we were already struggling with the first two and I just couldn't face going ahead with a pregnancy that once again would be stressful and unhappy. I feared it would affect everyone badly, me, dc, DP - that the fragile equilibrium we had would go out of the window. DP didn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy either (though he didn't pressurize me). I terminated that pregnancy.
Strangely I felt ok about it for a while and our family life did actually continue to get better. But recently thoughts about it are coming back and now I think about it all the time and I feel dreadful about it. I cannot understand why I did it and it seems such a drastic, out-there thing to have done. Surely life with 3 dc would not have been so bad?
Am desperate to believe I have not done a bad, bad thing, but it seems so black to me. How can I be a loving mother and do this? I am sure many people will be critical but would be very grateful if any answers were not too critical because I am struggling so much. Thank you.

Of course you didn't do a bad thing. You had to think of your own MH and the effect on your family.

You love you DCs, you are a loving mother.

Are you on any medication or have had someone to speak too about this?

You made the decision to terminate based on the information you had at the time. If you now feel that you could have coped with three that's great, but that does not change the fact that you couldn't do so last year.

Maybe it would be wise to seek some counselling to process this. Don't be afraid to grieve for the child you lost.

think you need to give yourself a hug not beat yourself up - you acted out of caring and love for your family - a new pregnancy is always a gamble anyway and it may not have gone to term for natural reasons.
Think a termination is always a tough procedure however much the woman wants/needs it and cannot continue the pregnancy. Think you feel bad now because you are low and it is a traumatic event. (Have some experience of this so please don't think I'm talking through my rear end!).
No woman would ever judge you and if you were my MUm and told me this Id just love you more for thinking about your dc's and family welfare so much - wish I could tell you face to face that I just feel respect and compassion and am sending you a hug.
btw I had a very unplanned pregnancy when my physical health was appalling and altho we've coped and I have a wonderful ds, we have as a family paid a huge price for the new child (and I dont mean financially). I seriously considered termination but it was really too late when I found out I was pregnant.
My dh pushed hard for new baby (no pun intended) but now blames me for being physically unwell (in effect Im disabled now), and for not being able to do the wife stuff - cleaning , cooking etc.
You have to remember why you made the decision to terminate and remember it was for all of you - I dont blame you for feeling sad but dont feel bad - that's being very mean to yourself!

Thanks for the replies. Aokay, your situation sounds very hard, but I envy you your lovely ds! I try to remember and feel myself back into the situation as it was then, the feeling that it was just impossible to go ahead when I found out I was pg, but with hindsight everything looks different...

olivever i know exactly how you feel as i'm feeling exactly the same right now.
i have one dc who's 6. last year i found out i was pregnant and had mixed feelings right from finding out.when i was around 7 weeks i was really poorly [blinding headaches/sickness/couldn't get out of bed without feeling like i was going to pass out].this lasted for about a week and i'd had the gp come out to see me and he said it was a virus.as i started to get better i also started to feel really low [i've suffered with bouts of depression since having my dc although i wasn't taking medication at the time].one morning i broke down in front of my dh and told him i didn't want to continue with the pregnancy [he said he would support my decision and after lots of talking and opening up to each other he said that from the moment i'd told him i was pregnant it hadn't felt right]
i had a termination last april and like you at the time it felt the right thing to do.it's been a year now and i thought i'd accepted it and moved on but the last couple of weeks i've felt like you that i'm a bad mother especially as my dc would love a sibling.i feel like i've ruined her future as she won't have one.i'm currently signed off work and have gone back onto anti-depressants although there have been other things that have triggered my depression i think this has a part in it too as i've tried to pretend it didn't happen and block it out.deep down i know i did the right thing for myself and my family but the guilt that i feel is tremendous.i saw a female gp regarding my depression as i didn't want to see my gp [male] as i thought he'd think i'd brought it on myself by having a termination and wouldn't be sympathetic to how i was feeling.
don't be too hard on yourself and talking about it does help x

It is so very easy to fall into the trap of thinking, oh but if i had the baby things would have been different. I'm so sorry but i dont think they would have been, PND is notorious for being worse for subsequent pregnancies and yours was bad enough to hospitalise you. Now, i dont agree with abortion, but if iwere in your position i would have done exactly the same thing, you had no choice really. You have had and have a tendancy to a MEDICAL CONDITION that makes pregnancy a no no for you, im so sorry that you had to through this, but you have to understand that you have done nothing wrong, nothing at all. It wouldn't have been ok, and deep down you know this. You must not feel guilty for being unwell, you must now concentrate on staying well and enjoying your family, you deserve that.

So sorry that you are going through this too ilovebubbles - it's pretty horrid isn't it? For me it is the guilt that is by far the worst. It is not so much that I wish I had had that baby for me - I don't wish I had three children now. But I feel like I had no right to say no to it once it had started.
But I don't think bubbles you should feel guilty towards your dc. In fact I heard or read recently that only children are on average happier and more secure than those with siblings. I hope you found the female gp sympathetic.
Boringnickname - your post is really helpful. The only way I can feel any peace at all with it is to think about my MH problems and feel like in some way they were a justification, if that makes sense. Deep down I do know that things would not have been all rosy if I had carried on with the pregnancy, but I feel so bad now that it seems like it's just swapping one kind of depression for another, so I may as well have gone ahead with the pregnancy.

I feel for you, I really do. You say "Strangely I felt ok about it for a while" - but it's not strange, because you did the right thing, honestly, you did. Unfortunately, your mind/brain/whatever is now playing tricks on you - asking you why you did it, and was it the right thing to do, and probably telling you that it wasn't. But what you have to hold on to is that it was the right thing to do at the time.
Please stop thinking about it. Be firm with yourself, if you start thinking about it, say 'stop! Life can be shit, this was shit, but I did the right thing'.
Just be kind to yourself, step away from it, imagine it happened to a friend... what would you say to them?

think we cope mostly (hmm) - did'nt want to hijack your thread just to pass on best wishes and reassurance that you're a great mum & a good person