Just - ugh

[boschy]

Someone tell me the ADs will kick in soon? I started back on paroxetine 6 days ago; also a 2 week course of zopiclone to help me stop waking at 2am and staying awake...

As background; went onto ADs about 13 years ago and stayed on them until about this time last year when my surgery changed their practice and reduced the amount they would give at a time, had to have an appointment for each new script, so I thought, right time to kick them into touch.

I was fine for a while, but this past year has been pretty stressful (mainly financial, things not improving there, am trying to find a p-t job but no luck so far). Anyway I was gradually feeling worse and worse - weepy and very panicky - and decided I would go back on the ADs and had an appointment last Tues.

On Easter Mon my 81 yr old mum was rushed into hospital for 24 hours; no diagnosis and now is waiting for tests. Very stressful etc.

This weekend I felt really really low and told DH I wasnt coping very well, how low and panicky I feel etc. He just said 'oh dear' - and that was it!!

I know ADs dont work overnight, but I must be nearly there to feeling a bit more as if I can cope, mustnt I?

sorry to break it to you honey,but takes up to 6weeks befoe you suddenly realise its not as bad

time is,sadly,the only answer here and being kind to yourself

oh god, I was working on it being 2 weeks and hoping for less...

sorry honey,some people see improvement in as little as 3 weeks but realistically it takes a while

Oh Boschy - your story is so like mine. Had major episode of depression in 1995 (3 months on psych ward) following death of my closest friend, and made good recovery - stayed on ADs (Imipramine - and old fashioned tryclic). I saw a psychologist (on another matter) and she was adamant that I should wean myself off ADs so I did, very slowly. Was ok for about 4 months then a few stressful things happened and wham I was back with another major episode (again 3 months on psych ward) but recovery this time very up and down, though getting gradually better.

I think it very irresponsible of your surgery to stop giving you repeat prescriptions. It can't be to do with finance (as far as I know, though money is at the root of so many things)as I have been told ADs are "ten a penny"

Are you back on the original med that you took (and presumably kept you well for 13 years?)

Hate to say this but agree with LinaZ - you can't hope for anything after 6 days - in fact I think depression can worsen in the first week or so of taking them, (it says this on the instructions of a lot of ADs) Did the GP not tell you that they can take approx 4 weeks to take effect. It sounds like your anxiety is sky high too - although most ADs help with anxiety too, although when in hospital I was prescribed diazepam for anxiety alongside the ADs.

I know what you mean about the "oh dear" - to be honest I don't think anyone who has not suffered this unbelievably awful illness can begin to understand the torment of it. It's so much worse than a physical illness because then we look ill (or have limbs in a cast) or in hopsital with drips etc., but with depression nothing actually shows, so unless you are having prolonged crying bouts, the suffering does not show.

My DP is very good and holds me and tries to soothe me but my sons and dils say "Oh dear" so I don't tell them anymore! Can you try talking more to your DH and trying to get it across how low you are and how scared you are.

Sending warm wishes and hope you are one of the lucky ones where the ADs will kick in sooner rather than later.

thank you nana nina, I am concentrating on just hanging on in there... the sleeping is a bit better which does help; or to be precise what helps is not having the night terrors at 2.30am.

I dont think DH does understand it; he thinks he cant fix it so best just to try and rise above. having said that he is very good about doing things like cooking so that is one thing less for me to try and cope with.

Oh god I remember the night terrors though mine were at 4.00 am. You might need more zopiclone though GPs don't like prescribing them for long as you can become dependent on them I think. Have you tried splitting them in half, as this did the trick for me and they last twice as long of course.

Yes all you can do is hang on in there at the present but try not to lose sight of the fact that you will feel better - it is just a matter of time.

not a good night last night, didnt take a zopiclone because my mouth tasted so vile, so have been very wakeful... will try and get my head down for a nap at lunchtime I think. thanks nananina, its good to 'talk' on screen - in rl I would just cry and I hate crying!

Oh boschy not a good idea to miss out the zopiclone, especially as you are feeling so rough just now, waiting for the meds to kick in. Isn't a vile taste in your mouth better than a wakeful night and all the more time to feel ghastly. Is the taste anything like metallic or a burning sensation. Maybe you could get a mouth spray to help. Maybe try half a one tonight? Are they 7.5 mg?

Do you have kids Boschy - just wondered, certainly no pre schoolers as you mention a lunchtime nap. I see you are posting at just after 6 a.m and I can imagine how you are feeling.

It is good to "talk" on screen because we are interacting with the outside world but in a safe and controlled way. I am sure I've told you how this MH thread got me through many a dark hour and still does on the bad days.
I cried a lot in my first episode but not so much in the 2nd one - more biting my thumb and somehow being rooted in the sense that I didn't want to move.

You mention you hate crying - do you know why. For me it is because it is a stark sign of the difference between the "real me" and the "depressed me" and when I am crying I am saying out loud "this is not who I am" - wonder too if it makes us feel like a child. Mind I do sometimes find crying releases he tension, especially if there is a shoulder to cry on. Many people are embarrassed about crying and say things like "Oh don't cry - you will upset yourself" - which is of course unhelpful to say the least. I am luck enough to have a few close women friends and DP who just let me cry and put an arm around me.

On both occasions I was an inpatient, no one else was crying which of course made me feel much worse. In fact, both times, I still felt I was worse than anyone else.

I think when you are "bumping along the bottom" with depression you need to take the day in "chunks" of 15 - 30 mins as looking at a whole day of feeling crap is just too much. So on bad days I will laptop for a while, then try and read for a while, then go outsid in the garden or a while, then a cup of coffee and so on. I had a CPN who I saw weekly and she was always saying I needed to get out for a walk, even if only for 30 mins, as it walks off some of the anxiety and raises endorphins. I used to do it but was scared I would meet someone i knew. I was scared of the phone ringing or door going and that would send me into a panic. In fact I dreaded anyone other than a very few, seeing me in a state.

We can continue to "talk" on here so hope to hear from you soon and this time just stay on the ADs for life - that is my intention and I kick myself for ever coming off them as they had kept me well for so long.

no my kids are at secondary... not going to get the lunchtime nap because working and got a docs appt at 2.40 (which is good - can check if it is the zop not suiting me). The taste in my mouth is horrible, dont know how to describe it really. I will ask about the dosage. Feel a bit queasy/upset tummy too which is prob the ADs I guess.

the main reason for the appt is to find out the results of a skin check I had last week - I'm anxious about it as have had melanoma twice, so that is not making anything easier. my mum sees a gastroenterologist on friday, again raising anxiety levels. sent my CV off to a few people yesterday and feel irrationally aggrieved that no one has called and said they want me immediately.

today I have MNed a bit; got some washing on; sorted out the animals in this howling gale - cant face a walk today, everything is going past the windows horizontally and even the dog is not keen. so your advice about 'chunks' of the day is good, and at least I have achieved 'something'. I am quite driven, I feel the need to get things done and with this current depression I find it very hard so that makes it worse - vicious circle and all that.

the thing about crying - it just makes me feel so out of control and pathetic and weak. I know that's not true, but it feels like giving in and I dont like it. and as you say, not wanting others to see/find me 'in a state'.

had a nice chat with my best friend on the phone this morning, but we kept it very light. she knows how I feel (and I've been there at some of her darkest hours too).

just hope I dont cry at the docs, it's a new GP I've never met before and I bloody hate the 'walk of shame' with a tear-stained face out of the waiting room!

hope you are feeling better nana nina x

hope the doctors goes ok boschy

im around later if you want to talk

im not having a great day either if its any consolation.depressions a horrible illness isnt it?

NNim going to steal your good idea of little chunks of doing things.its so easy to sit and just stare blankly for hours
i hopt todays not to bad a day for you too.x

keep on keeping on zoo, that's all we can do. I work from home which is great in lots of ways, but lonely and I always find its better when the kids come home and DH is home from work - the empty house gives me too much opportunity to stare blankly and at least by going through the motions you get through the hours...

good news: new GP is great, has given me a diff sleeping pill, very nice and kind.

not so good news: I am being referred to skin cancer specialist; GP thinks - and my research supports - it is basal cell carcinoma. if you are going to have skin cancer it's the best kind to have, but obviously its not quite what I wanted to hear, especially as I have 3 of the little beasts on my nose and although I'm not the best-looking in the world I dont really fancy having my nose carved up.

funnily enough the above doesnt really bother me as much as the just feeling generally shit bit, so fingers crossed that goes away soon.

Oh so glad you have found a nice GP Boschy cus that helps quite a lot. I have a lovely one too (female) and she even sent me a card when I was in hospital and phoned the staff to ask how I was. Amazing.

Oh my god - melanoma twice - I gather it's very treatable if caught early. I remember a friend of a friend having a basal cell thing behind her ear and she said it was not very serious, but even so it must be very stressful. Also yu are worried about your mom as well, so have a lot on your plate. Glad you managed to talk to your friend - don't know how i would have got by this past 2.5 years without my friends.

I know what you mean about the cancer thing not worrying you as much as the depression. I had campylobacter (a food poisoning thing like salmonella) just as my depression started building up and as the d word thing had not stopped, even when my samples were coming back negative, my GP sent me for a colonoscopy (horrible painful procedure) but I was hoping against hope that they would find something, and yes even cancer, as it would explain why I was feeling so bad, and also if I'm honest that it would be untreatable and so I would be free of the depression. I remember being so disappointed when he said "it all looks fine" - suppose that's a measure of how horrible depression is and my head was full of suicidal thoughts at that time.

I think depression is harder if you are a "driven" person (or could that be perfectionist?) because of the frustration of not getting things done. Maybe it would be easier to think in terms of "looking after yourself" rather than "giving in" - there is a book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" (can't remember who wrote it but it will be on Amazon) Re your CV, it doesn't sound like you are fit for work anyway at the present time. Do you mind my asking what your line of work is - just being nosey really! Hope the new sleepers work tonight.

Hi Zoo (I'm sure you don't live in a zoo!) I know you are suffering too at the moment though can't recall your OP - my memory is crap these days (put it down to my age) but will find your OP and come back to you.

I am OK thanks, and to be honest I mostly am OK now but it has taken 2.5 years to get to where I am now, and I can still have the "day from hell" descend on me.........glad you like the idea of "chunks" of time to get through the day.

NNx

I will check out that book nana. Slept from about 10.30-5.30 so not too bad last night although woke up a bit panicky for some reason (cancer-related I think, it is probably bothering me more than I think it is, I know I will be overwhelmingly relieved after I have seen the specialist and know what's going to happen treatment-wise).

I'm a freelance PR/translator; I've got some steady work but a lot has dried up and finding it really hard to get more atm, plus I would actually like a p-t job where I get out and meet people (we live in a small village, pretty rural, and havent made friends here - we are still seen as incomers after 13 years).

If no one minds, I will probably just use this thread to muse to myself so dont feel you have to reply! it just feels a bit easier to talk to myself on here than in my head (and writing diary form doesnt seem right to me somehow)

glad you managed to get some sleep.
makes all the difference

Muse away Boschy but I reply to MNs who I sort of connect with a bit, even though we are but lines of text on a screen. I hate to show my ignorance but what exactly is a PR/translator - I am guessing Public Relations and you are maybe a linguist? Sorry I know I'm being nosy. I was a social worker and middle manager for a LA for 25 years and then worked for 5 years doing freelance work (mostly adoption and fostering) so I go on that site too, but don't usually mention my MH as it isn't really relevant. My DP also worked in public services, so I don't have much idea of work outside of public services, which my adult sons remind me of from time to time.

I am not surprised you are anxious - do you have a date to see the specialist?

Zoo I think I am talking to you on 2 threads, so will post on your original one if that's ok.

I think the darkness is lifting a bit which is good. still very anxious though.
yes nana, PR and I translate stuff - French into English.
no date for specialist yet but I guess I'll get a letter in due course.
zoo how are you doing?

Glad the darkness is lifting a bit. A psychiatrist told me anxiety is the first symptom to show itself and the last one to subside. Anxiety is the medical name for fear, and you are of course fearful about your health at the moment. I think if GPs suspect cancer, they give you a "rapid access" appt which means you are seen within a 2 week period. I have been given 2 of those in the past and nothing found. SO in a way it's a good thing that this this is not being seen as urgent or the GP is not on the ball. I would have thought your history of skin cancer would prompt a "rapid access" referral. Do you trust the GP's judgement - if not maybe you can contact him/her and say you are concerned about appt not coming through and should your skin thing prompt a quick referral.

that's really interesting about anxiety being the first to show and the last to go... I'd never heard that before, and although it seems like a 'new' thing to me when I think back to when I first went on ADs (combination of my father's very sudden death 8 weeks before DD1's birth and then PND) there was anxiety involved then, but I think I just assumed it was inevitable 1st time mum type symptom. interesting.

I will give the system a bit of time and chase them up next week if no news of an appt - I am pretty sure that it is BCC, but it's the best one to have and very very unlikely to have serious consequences. so that's good!

you sound so lovely nana, you mention your sons and DIL; do you have grandchildren?

Oh thank you for your kind words Boschy - you sound lovely too - as do many Mnetters but it's always nice to get a compliment. Yes I have 3 much loved grandchildren, a girl who was 12 today (only child, not by choice but she was an IVF baby and more cycles were unsuccessful) and she is a lovely girl (not that I'm biased or anything!) Fortunately we live very near and see her every week. Then the other 2 are much farther away but we do go to visit every 6 weeks - that's a lovely boy of 7 and a little girl who is coming 3.

Hope you can get some better sleep and the depression continues to lift. NNx

well it's been 2 weeks today. still very anxious, but a bit more peaks and trough-y - I can be fine for a while but then suddenly get very anxious and am finding it hard to relax. I feel a bit like a rabbit in the spotlights at times. on the other hand, the darkness is definitely less. I need to go back this week to get a repeat scrip for the sleeping tablets so will ask about the anxiety.

the next thing I need to do is get a job - money is a huge cause of anxiety at the moment. not quite sure what or where, most of the jobs locally are for carers which is not something I've ever done and not really something I want to do (I dont think I'd be very good at it). I need some job advice but not sure where to go - might go and talk it through on the employment boards.

nana and zoo and everyone else - hope you are doing ok.

I am 51 today. Had a nice pressie from DH and a cheque from mum, and a couple of texts from friends but I feel very flat...

here are my birthday wishes:

1. to have something to look forward to
2. to not be so anxious about money
3. to feel more joyful.

it's not really getting any better. am going back to docs next week to investigate upping the dose and see if I can find out if perhaps I am menopausal.

life is a bit shit, money is a serious worry - bills coming in left right and centre, job hunting is not going well. I know we will not end up homeless, because mum will take us in if it comes to it... but stuff like coping with that along the way is just too awful to contemplate and I dont know which way to turn. actually managed to chat to DH about it today, and he feels as bad as I do. ok its good that we managed to share a bit, but OTH neither of us knows what to do.

on the bright side, the kids are good. sorry, really gloomy post.

forgot to say - had a hopefully non-harmful cyst removed from the side of my nose, its a bit scabby but should heal ok. 'sun damage' on the rest of my nose is treatable with cream but I have to wait for a letter from the specialist to confirm.

nurse practitioner has doubled my dose (it was v low to start with) and booked me in for a blood test to establish re menopause. stress levels pretty high at the moment, I am away all week at a conference - I have to speak, dont really want to - and DD1 has first GCSE while I am away.