Don't know why I'm posting...

[waltermittymissus]

I feel sad, alone and, while I'm not suicidal I honestly wish with every single fibre of my being that I don't wake up the next day. Then I do wake up and it's ok for a little while. But it's not really. I have 3 absolutely amazing children. But I'm a shit mother. Honestly, I'm not saying that to be self-pitying. I'm just terrible at it! I'm terrible at life really. We're both at home. DH left his job 2 years ago to strike out on his own except he's had no work since. My children are 5, 3 and 1 so in between being pregnant I also have been looking for work. There's nothing though.

I was put on anti-d's. Sent to counselling after I went to GP. Admitted self-harming but to be fair it was mild! When I get to sleep I constantly wake feeling like there's something or someone watching me. I'm irritable, tired, lazy, fat...I used to be quite attractive. I married a man 13 years my senior when I was only 22. He's been great but honestly I don't think we have a life anymore.

We're literally living in a time bomb. They'll take the house because of the debts. My family make me feel SO inferior. If I said I was depressed they'd tell me to get over myself. If I asked for help they'd tell me I was being lazy. If they pop around to my house and it's untidy they bitch about me afterwards (I've heard them).

I'm sorry. This is so long. I wish I had the guts to end it all but I don't. I barely have friends because I'm a shit friend. Oh, and dh's family keep making really snide remarks about me. They actually make me feel worse about myself. I've cut them off as best I can but they're always there lurking in the background. And any time I feel a bit better about myself something kicks off with them and it's right back to square one.

Anyway. I don't know what I want anyone to say. I guess I know it's not right to feel like this. Otherwise I wouldn't be posting in mental health! I don't expect anyone to reply. There's not really a lot you could say to all that is there? Nice to write it down though. :)

'They're going to take the house because of the debts'

It's not that simple. Talk to a colleague of mine somewhere near where you live. Citizens Advice or a Law Centre. Judges are not that keen to see young families homeless and things can be done.

The threat of homelessness will make sorting other issues out very difficult.

Stop calling yourself such ugly names though x

Thank you madmouse I'm being a little dramatic. They haven't started proceedings. But we've been waiting months for them to fill out forms for us so we can make reduced payments. They keep losing them and so the debt just piles higher and higher. DH has thousands of pounds of debt that he's brought with him from before we met (8 years ago). I didn't know about it until they sent a summons. Now he's paying money off except he doesn't! He leaves everthing. Keeps saying that if they're not on their 3rd threatening letter it doesn't count. I just feel constantly sick about it and they won't deal with me because the loans etc. are in his name.

And the financial problems are literally just a fraction of a huge mess.

So you go and take steps to protect your family. Go to see a CAB or law Centre debt adviser and stop waiting for 'them' to offer you a form for reduced payments.

I keep going on about the money, but debts and money worries are damaging to mental health.

I don't think I'm explaining this very well! Sorry! We're on benefits at the moment and the bank agreed to a reduced payments and a certain amount of that payment will be paid through benefits (it's Ireland so don't know if it's the same in the UK. DH is from UK) But in order for them to actually process it the bank has to sign the forms that we've sent them but they haven't returned them yet and it's been weeks and every time we call there's a different person with a different answer. I've just reached the end of the line with it. I really have. I know there are members of my family who would take us in but I don't think I could live with failing my children like that. I have a good education and dh has had a great career and we can't find ANY work.

I do appreciate your answering me though so thank you.

I perfectly well understand your situation (I'm a lawyer in a law centre and though practicing in another area at the moment I have a good knowledge of debt cases)

You need to get some professional support (not the bank, someone on YOUR side) to help you get this sorted.

Thank you madmouse. Really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about it. I will contact CAB. I just don't really find it easy to talk to people in RL about it but it's either that or they kick us out!

The next time that someone from your family makes a comment about your house being untidy,Just reply and say you know it is but would they please help you to get it tidy as you are not feeling one hundred percent and cant manage it on your own.It seems you have a lot on your plate so its not surprising you are feeling so down.Do as madmouse has said,see someone who will help you sort out the financial things for you.You say you are a useless mum ,i bet your three children dont think that for a single second.

mummylin thank you! But tbh I wouldn't ask them to help. They can be wonderful but they'd just bitch about it afterwards and I'd end up feeling worse! I wouldnt mind but my house is tidy apart from toys. They don't think I should have toys lying around but I'm not sending a 1 year old to play in his room!

My children definitely prefer dh. He is more patient with them. It's a vicious circle. I feel like shit so I'm impatient, they go to my dh for things because he's less grumpy and that makes me feel like shit!

I feel a bit better today. Less self-pitying I suppose...still wish I wasn't here though!

You only mean you dont want to be here feeling as you do.Eventually things will get sorted out for you,but try and do things gradually.first things first eg make a start on sorting financial problems.Are you still on any medication ? if not make an apt asap to go and see your doctor.It dosent matter about toys laying around the place.Those sort of things are what makes a house become a home.I am sure your children love you dearly. wouldnt you go to the calmer parent cause i would of when i was small !!keep your chin up ,there are lots of people on Mn who will give you support and i expect many who have been / are in similar positions.

I was on medication but I've been off it a while. Think that makes me feel worse, like I got better and now just have sunk straight back down. DHs been asking me for a while now to make an appointment to see the doctor but I'm scared to go. Don't know why really just everytime I think of it I just feel sick! :( Thank you for responding!

Please dont feel scared,your doctor is there to help you.Pluck up the courage to make that first step again.If the last medication he gave you made you feel sick etc maybe there is something else he can give you instead.