I can,t get over no more dc's

[ravenheart]

4 years ago I started ttc for a second dc it was never to be due to myself going through a premature menopause at the age of 36.
I still cannot get over it IVF, adoption, egg donor all out of the question due to dp not wanting to go down any of those routes.
I thought I was getting better but now I can,t get horrible feelings out of my head, my poor ds being lonely all of his life probably, feeling like I have lost a really important part of being a woman being able to bear a child.
I feel old and some days the torture of it feels so bad that I feel like ending it.
I can,t even look at a pregnant woman I am soo full of hate for them and I know that just sounds so terrible I can,t even watch tv programms about women giving birth etc.
I have had counselling in the past and it did me no good.
I don,t know how to make myself feel better.
I dropped ds off at his mates last night and his mom announced that she is pregnant I put on this brave face and then got back in the car with my dp who was waiting for me and went into a complete melt down I brike my heart sobbing and shouting that it was all so unfair.
Poor dp didin,t know what to do with me but he said I am pushing him away.

Firstly hug. Feel for you.
Secondly have you spoken to dp about how you feel? Does he know how hard every day is for you? Maybe you should have another talk to him. Do you need to go to counseling together? It might help. You need to get this sorted or you will look back and regret you spent the time with your ds you were feeling depressed. Does he know how you feel. Don't let him think that he alone is not good enough. Maybe a different type of counselling would make a difference.