My friend, 'A' has been struggling for several years now, more or less since her apparently blissfully happy marriage fell apart as her DH ('B') appeared to have a MLC and left her -for another woman. I never knew him well but A is always telling us how oddly he behaves when she has to see him (shared 15 yr old DS). He's quick to anger, verbally abusive etc and totally changed from the obsessively attentive and deeply loving, polite DH and father he had been (there are clues there!).
Anyway, he walked out 4 years ago (and moved in with the OW) and A really hasn't 'moved on' at all since then. She claims she still loves him and that deep down she knows he loves her, this 'other woman' is just 'an irrelevance'... but she claims to not want him back which is fair enough but she has done nothing to move him out of her life, nothing to protect herself either financially or physically (she is sometimes scared of what he might do but really, doesn't 'dare' change the locks in case it antagonises him!). At any moment he could not pay the mortgage (they have no financial arrangements in place at all, it's the one thing he's doing). She will not seek any legal advice as to her that smacks of 'the end of the marriage' and she'll 'go there when she feels strong enough and ready', apparently.
She has been on low dose ADs since the break up.
Me and 'C' are very good friends of hers, we are all 50 and all professionals together, though C and I have 'moved on' career wise from the shop floor in positions commensurate with our ability and experience. A is still 'down there with the kids' (many are 22!), as it were.
She is a very attractive, slim woman (she admitted an eating disorder last night) and I recognise she has no doubt become a magnet for (married) male attention, something that is very important to her though she believes she is fighting it off as, even when she has succumbed to a 'purely sexual' relationship, it 'doesn't count' as 'cheating on B' as she has 'no feelings' towards the bloke concerned.
She has very low self esteem and confidence (I do wonder whether she always has been a bit like this but the marriage break up has exacerbated this as she no longer has the over-protective DH to help present a united front to the world?) and is aware that youngsters she's seen arrive as newly qualifieds are now moving up and into positions of authority over her which she hugely resents but will do nothing about (she so could- I don't see how the boss could possibly knock her back with her experience BUT you do need an element of assertion in our line of work!). She also does resent a bit my and C's 'success' though, prior to DCs, she herself was in C's speciality and could be a pay-band above me instead of the one below if she'd stuck at it or pushed for readmittance into the field.
She wouldn't ask the boss for more hours initially though she desperately needed them as she was too proud to admit her marriage had failed, to which we'd said 'You don't have to tell the boss why! She doesn't need to know, and, even if she does, she actually wouldn't care that much beyond 'social concern'! Again that 'Every one's watching me' thing. Vanity or paranoia? She also is, tbh, rather self-centered! (Drives my DH mad, he often 'laughs' after she's gone how she always talks loudly over myself and C, esp with a few drinks on board) as her view MUST be heard. She is not a great listener. C and I have spend hours and hours supportively listening to A go on and on about B and how stressful her life is (inc money worries and a persistent neighbour she is, frankly, stringing along a bit!). We nod, we sympathise, we advise but though she might say 'Yes, I know you're right (eg about getting legal advice!) but I won't go there yet, I'm moving forwards, not on...'
Anyway, things reached a head last night. My DH has taken the DCs away for 2 days so I invited A and C (who was driving) over for a meal and drinks. Started well enough, but somewhere between main and dessert the conversation took an odd turn: Like in any sizeable organisation, there are some folks I am less keen on than others, however, I compromise and accommodate. The people concerned very probably don't know that I'm not that fond of them, but there is categorically no one I 'hate', ditto C (and I don't think anyone 'hates' us! We are MC, grown-up professionals, after all). I mentioned about a particular young man who I found irritating, pernickety and very jobsworth up to maybe 6 months ago but how much he'd grown up and how now I could begin to see him as management material- and how one of the departmental consultants had grown on me due to their even handed, steady unflappability in the face of provocation, and finally how one woman who A believes to be really lazy had, over Easter, pulled out the stops on a challenging and stressful job she and I had to perform (this woman and I don't work together much).
C was agreeing with me about these 3 people and a couple of others, along the lines of how some weren't quite the 'demons' they may once have been etc. Well! Basically, A burst into tears, said she couldn't believe what she was hearing, how duplicitous C and I were for daring to change our minds about these people (note most of whom had been newly-qualified but are moving on up the ladder whilst A has remained static..). Did we not realise the lad was a loathsome toerag ("YOU don't have to work with him!"- well, yes and no, I've both worked with him and liaise with him on a daily basis when he's that day's 'shop-floor manager' and he has impressed me with his ability to help my area out and prioritise!); the consultant "HAS AN EATING DISORDER" (she's very petite) -but we said 'How does that affect her ability to do her job well?' and I readily agreed that the lazy woman could well be lazy on a day to day basis but on this long, difficult thing we were doing over Easter, I though she and I had worked well together, end of! Whereas A's face was contorted with rage as she spat 'I HATE her! Don't you get it? HATE her! She's fooled you all but I can see straight through people, you can't, everyone's all nicey nicey at work but they all hate me'.... (no they don't!! A few find her ribaldry when she's trying to be 'down with the kids' a bit much but no one hates her at all! In common with most of us, everyone's getting on with their own lives and really aren't even thinking about A on more than a day to day, cursory basis, like with most work colleagues!)
With that, A picked up her bag and marched out into the night to walk the 2 miles home, announcing that she now realised she had 'No friends' and was 'alone' and would be 'keeping herself to herself' from now on and she realised she can no longer 'trust anyone'.
WTF?
C has seen her at work today (I don't work Fridays) and apparently, A is 'a mess' and has apologised for last night but I don't know if she wants to continue being friends with us or not (C is calling me later). She texted me only to say 'Sorry about last night, I'm really struggling'.
Now, thanks if you're still with me here!- AM I right in thinking that this woman needs professional help at this stage? That ADs aren't cutting it? That that outburst about everyone hating her and tattling about her behind her back indicates actual, clinical paranoia?
Whilst I will, of course, if I'm permitted to continue to be as supportive as possible the fact is I may be wasting my breath (even more than I have already!) as her MH issues have gone beyond 'talking it over with yer mates' stage.
WWYD?