I don't feel anything. I know something's wrong with feeling like this.

[DivineInspiration]

DP and I made a big move from London to rural Scotland just before Christmas. We bought a wonderful, wonderful house and everything fell into place as perfectly as it could. DP got a fab promotion, I found a good job before we even moved. It was all a bit dreamy, we changed our lifestyle completely, had the chance to have a garden, some animals, do the whole 'Good Life' thing which we'd dreamed about.

But I didn't feel anything before or during the move - not happy, not excited, not nervous, not apprehensive. Just flat, as though I couldn't have cared less. I gave up my little apartment which I loved living in and didn't feel even a tiny bit sad. Likewise when I started my new job two months ago, it was as though I just didn't care about it.

I'm not unhappy or miserable about being here or having left London. I don't miss London. I don't miss any of the friends and colleagues I left behind. That sounds awful, doesn't it? But I just don't and I don't know why. Some friends came to visit us last weekend and I wasn't pleased or looking forward to seeing them. I haven't made any friends here yet and most of the time I don't feel like I even want to.

I've wondered if I'm depressed, but as above I don't feel sad and I'm not unhappy or struggling. I've had debilitating depression in the past and it was truly awful and nothing like this. I'm functioning, more than functioning. I can get up, go to work, do a good job, come home again, sort the house out etc. I just don't get any enjoyment from any of it. I can't go to the GP and say that all's peachy and wonderful with my life but I don't feel like I feel I should feel, can I?

If somebody said they had a pill which would mean I could just go to sleep and never wake up, painlessly, quickly and without mess, I'd take it in a heartbeat. I'm not suicidal, just tired.

I know something's wrong with feeling like this.

'If somebody said they had a pill which would mean I could just go to sleep and never wake up, painlessly, quickly and without mess, I'd take it in a heartbeat. I'm not suicidal, just tired.'

This is why I think the GP would believe you are depressed.
Go to the doctor and explain how you are feeling.

You've just gone through two big life-changing experiences - moving house and starting a new job. It's going to take some time before you feel like you again.

I didn't think you sounded depressed in your post, just a bit down and discombobulated, until the last but one line. If you feel sometimes that you don't want to carry on you should definitely go to the doctor.

It sounds like the move has objectively been a good one for you. Hope you feel better soon.

The irony I suppose is that I work in a senior role for a mental health charity. The way I feel doesn't fit the model for depression and it's not at all like the depression I experienced some years ago when for about a year I really struggled to even get out of bed and couldn't stop crying. I don't want to talk to anybody about it in RL because I'd feel like such a fraud - nothing wrong with my life and not actually unhappy. So where's the problem?

I know the last bit sounds as though I'm suicidal, but I don't think I am. It's more that if somebody asked me, "what do you live for?" there's nothing I could really say which would be true. I mostly worry that I'm dragging DP down by not being more excited and joyful about things. He can't wait until we get our new kittens in May and our chickens in the summer, can't wait to explore Scotland with our motorbikes. I push myself to do the stuff he wants, but am entirely ambivalent about doing them and I think he can tell.

It is a big move and I guess discombobulation is par for the course. But I haven't felt anxious or nervous about anything and am as at home here as I could be. I could be anywhere and it wouldn't make much difference.

Thanks for your replies :) I think I needed to put it in writing more than anything, get the uneasyness out.

I think (for me anyway) that depression is not about feeling sad etc but it is the absence of any emotion that is the trouble. You are describing that in your post. We all probably experience depression in different ways - I feel flat and empty and get no pleasure out of anything - you sound like that too.

You have experienced the torment of severe depression before, which sadly gives us a 50% chance of a 2nd major episode. My first one came in 1995 following the death of my dearest friend, and the second on Easter 2010 (both times hospitalised for 3 months) am still climbing the hill out of the more recent one.

You said in your first post " know something's wrong with feeling like this" and you are right. There is something wrong and I know this may sound harsh but I think you are trying hard to pretend that everything is all right.

Also the symptoms of depression and anxiety with each episode. This happened to me, and that's why I spent 3 months seeing a therapist instead of getting medical help, because I wasn't experiencing the same symptoms. This is another trick depression plays on us.

It doesn't matter whether you are in a senior role for a Mental Health Charity- that doesn't make you immune you know; even GPs and psychiatrists get mentally ill too. You say the way you feel doesn't fit the "model" for depression. There is no model - it affects people in different was. As you will no doubt know ADs that suit one person, don't suit another. An AD that worked well in the first episode, may not we beneficial in the second episode. You must know there is no logic to this horrendous illness.

OK you are functioning now, but on some sort of auto-pilot maybe. Please go to the GP and be honest about how you feel, or the lack of emotion maybe. You maybe feeling the beginnings of another episode, and you could "nip it in the bud" by taking ADs again.

Oh yes - you talk about feeling a fraud - this is another trick depression plays, it makes us feel we should have a reason for feeling like this, and that we should be able to do something to stop it - we don't feel like this in physical illness.

Sorry if I sound too prescriptive but I really hope you see a GP soon.

divine i know exactly how you feel as i'm in that situation too
i also work in mental health
i have a great life/loving family/brilliant dh and a beautiful dd/nice house etc but i feel void of any emotions to any of it.
when i'm around people you wouldn't know how i felt as i put on an act which is exhausting in itself.
i've suffered with depression in the past but like you i feel a fraud as everything about my life is rosy
i've had 4 huge losses in my life in the last 6 years all which happened around this time of year and i know these play a big part in how i feel
i keep telling myself to snap out of it but i've no motivation to do anything other than muddle through each day
i have actually made an appointment to go to the doctors next week as i want to enjoy life not just muddle through
hope you decide to see a gp too x

Hello, I'm new - I hope you don't mind me joining this thread but your post struck a chord with me. I'm suffering from depression which is characterised by similar symptoms - I feel utterly blank, flat and unable to be happy. I'm not even muddling through any more.

Am up for mutual support with this if anyone would like it...

Hi Drummerswife - 4 huge losses in your life in 6 years is an awful lot, and depression is usually about loss (not necessarily a death) - so glad you are going to see the GP.

Hi FA - so sorry you are feeling the torment of depression, as I know from experience what a horrid illness this is. I am still trying to climb the hill to recovery 2.5 years on.....when the bad days come it is just awful and i can only get through the day in half hour chunks. I am not a young mum but a grandmother and so don't have young children to care for, and I feel so much for some of you young mums on here, coping with children as well as depression.

There is lots of support on MN and the MH threads have seen me through many dark hours in the past 2 years. Do you want to give any more details about your situation, but i absolutely know what you mean by feeling utterly blank and flat. No one can understand this illness if they have not experience it. Some GPs are good but generally I don't think they get much training on mental health, although I think that is altering now.

Are you on ADs and if so are they any help.

Thanks NN for your kind words. Sorry if I seem to be ignoring everyone else - still trying to get used to posting on forums.

I'm not actually a mum, been a lurker for a while and looking for support. Hope to be a mum someday but not really well enough to think about that at the moment. I'm on 5 mg citalopram - have been on 5 - 30 mg over the last 18 months, also a brief time on sertraline which was awful. The blankness and lack of emotion wasn't any better on a higher dose and reducing it seemed to help (for a bit) but it's not really improving. The GP won't put me on anything else as she thinks psychotherapy is the answer for me. I'm seeing a psychotherapist but struggling to do the 'homework' and honestly it just feels like a light has gone out in my brain. How can I record what my thoughts are when it feels like I don't even have them?

There's a long backstory of problems here, this is just how things are at the moment. Hope this might be of use to someone else too.

Hi FA - don't worry about ignoring anyone - people sort of pop in and out if you see what I mean. Do you agree with the GP that psycotherapy is the right way forward for you? How long have you been seeing the therapist and do you feel you "connect" with her or him (well in as much as you can connect with anyone in your present state) do you feel safe to open up and be honest with the therapist. It's just that sometimes you don't always feel ok with one therapist, but better with another. I tried 2 privately and now have on on the NHS who I really trust. Are you having to pay or is this NHS.

I think psycotherapy (with a good therapist) is more or less essential if there is some buried trauma that needs to "see the light of day" as it were and that can take a very long time. Not sure about this "homework" - not sure if it is that hepful to be honest - are you being asked to write down your thoughts. I think it's the therapist's job to help you understand the difference between thoughts and feelings and to be able to interpret what you may be thinking/feeling from the words and phrases that you use when you talk about what is happening in your life. This is how a psycho dynamic therapist usually works - mind that doesn't mean that their interpretations are necessarily right. But to send you off to write them down (like a shopping list) I don't think is helpful.

Maybe you are a person who can express yourself by drawing or painting (I don't mean you have to be good at it )- it can be anything so long as it is your expression of what is going on.

You mention a long back story - sorry if I'm being intrusive but could PTSD be a part of the bigger picture.

Do you have anyone in real life (trusted friend/relative) who knows your back story and in whom you can confide, and someone to offer support to you.

Struggling to sleep tonight.

The therapy is CBT-type therapy, it's 6 sessions on the NHS. I've done 2, been putting off going back because I've been struggling to keep the 'diary' (which is a record of levels of enjoyment/achievement for various activities).

Not PTSD. It's a very 'chemical' depression (was triggered by a bad reaction to an AD in the first place) and I really just feel like half my brain has been killed off. If it's 'just' depression, I think it's too severe at the moment for the CBT to touch it. I'm trying to say to both the GP and the therapist 'this is serious - I'm falling apart' and they're not hearing that. Or maybe there's nothing they can do.

OP, and DW - I hope you get to see your GP, and things don't get this bad for you.

I've got a fabulous DP, but he's getting exhausted from trying to support me. It helps a bit to write this down.

CBT can be a very useful too but if there is underlying trauma then it will not be helpful until that has been dealt with.
Could you afford to see someone privately? That way you get to choose who you are seeing and what sort of approach you and the therapist take.
I must say when you mentioned homework my eyebrow raised, it's not something that would have been helpful to me, any sort of pressure to do something outside of my sessions would not have been helpful. If you feel like looking around for someone to work with would be too much hard work, could you get your husband/partner to look for you.

And would your partner find a support group helpful? There might be one in the near area.

Hi FA - you say your depression is caused by a bad reaction to the first AD but why did you need the AD in the first place. This whole thing about whether the depression is caused by changes in brain chemistry or the other way around is a chicken and egg situation. I don't really think it matters tbh, so long as you can get improvement in your mental health.

I had my first depression after my dearest friend died and I was convinced that the depression was caused by changes in brain chemistry. Friends involved in mentl health told me that ADs only treat the symptoms and not the underlying cause, and I now (16 years on) think think they were right, but there is no consensus amongst the medics on this. I saw a clinical psychologist for months who did not believe that there was any evidence of changes in brain chemistry and depression and gave me articles by psychiatrists who said the same thing. They talked of trials where placebos had worked as well as ADs............I've ended up just not knowing really.

When you are feeling really low I think CBT is just no good (well it wasn't for me) but many Mns say it changed their life, so "horses for courses" i think. My CPN introduced it to me and on her own admission she was fairly limited in it. I found it irritating really to be trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones when I felt so crap. You mention not being able to "get through" to medics how bad you feel and I know this only too well. Even on a psych ward there was no real help or support, just the meds really and some OT and left to get on with it.

One day I was feeling that I was not part of the human race and more terrified than ever before in my life. It was a sunny day and we were outside in the small garden and nurses were talking about BBQs and I was thinking of drowning myself. A nurse asked if I was "ok" I said NO - so he said "what's your forward plan?" and I said "do you really want to know" and he said "yes" and I said "to get rid of myself" and he walked off without a word.

Sorry I am talking about me too much. I go back to saying that unless you have experienced the torment of severe depression, you cannot have any idea how it feels.That isn't a criticism but an observation. With severe physica illness we are in bed in hospital, looking ill, with tubes and drips and that sort of thing, but no one can see our mental illness.

Do I take it that you are not taking any more ADs.....what happened with the first one and how long did you take it for.....

I noticed that your GP thought psychotherapy was the way forward for you, but CBT is as far away from psycotherpy as it is possible to be. However that is all the NHS can offer usually.

Can you pay for private therapy?

Hi NN, don't apologise for talking about your experience, it is useful to know that others have gone through similar. It must have been very scary being in hospital, but it sounds like you eventually got (significantly) better? What helped most in the end?

I'm still on 5 mg citalopram - I took it in the first place because I had been suffering for years with very severe IBS which is largely nausea. The citalopram is a miracle for me in this respect, it kills the nausea. I still get other symptoms but I can deal with them.

I guess I didn't mean psychotherapy then... it's the CBT-type therapy the GP wants me to have (sorry hard to find the right term in the middle of the night!) It all seems a bit pointless rating how happy I am in response to things, I've been suffering with this for nearly 2 years and I know that things at best just feel vaguely pleasant, but that's not (anything like) good enough for me. It's completely different from how things were beforehand for me.

Most of all I worry that the ADs I've taken have somehow destroyed my brain and that is now irreversible, I've had lots of episodes on them where I've had a sense of suddenly going blank and disconnecting from reality.

What upsets me most is that on MN (and other places) - you read that if you think you've got depression you should go to the GP, they will help. And if the medication isn't working go back, they will try something different. I feel like I keep asking for help and it doesn't happen for me. In the early stages of the bad reaction to the AD, I saw a psychiatrist privately for advice... he wrote to the GP saying he thought it was 'just' anxiety, and recommended CBT. Now whenever I go back to the GP she just refers back to this letter even though it's nearly 2 years old and my symptoms are very different (very little anxiety, but lots of depression. Or something more sinister).

Sorry for the long ramble and I seem to have hijacked the thread. It helps a lot to hear about other people who have had depression with similar symptoms.

FA-Having read your latest post, I think you need to go and talk to a different GP, whilst the citalopram is helping with the IBS, it sounds to me that the effect it is having on the depression is one of numbing, rather than fighting it. I'm not an expert by any means but I do know how the anti-ds effect you can vary between drug, between dose, between when you are taking them.
It is a very hit and miss process at the moment, almost like shooting arrows blindfolded in the general direction of a target and hoping that one hits. A lot of the time, they miss.

Hi FA - you did say in your first post that you had suffered debilitating depression in the past. How long ago was this? Do you know what the root cause was? Did you take ADs then - if so which ones - or are these the ones that gave you the bad reaction? Sorry to ask so many questions but I'm trying to understand your situation.

This may sound harsh but I really don't think it's possible for ADs to "destroy part of your brain and which is now irreversible" I am no medic but I can pretty much guarantee that no psychiatrist would think this was possible. The issue about going blank and disconnecting while on ADs I'm not sure about so won't comment, other than to say I thought my memory had been affected after my first episode (and on a high dose of ADs) but I was reassured by the consultant psychiatrist that it was my concentration that had been affected by the illness and not by the drugs and I had faith in her and believed her, and so put the thoughts of memory loss out of my mind.

I do wonder if you have decided that you will not try ADs again - is that right?

I also think it might help if you could unravel this thing about a chemical imbalance in the brain, being the cause or effect of depression. As I said before it is a chicken and egg situation, but you seem to be very clear that yours is a "chemical depression" and you won't know that really, because there is no consensus amongst psychiatrists on this issue. I think in fact that very little is known about brain disorder, other than it is a highly complex organ in our body.

I know what you mean about MNs always advising people with depression to go to the GP and about trying different ADs etc etc and I think the last line of frids post is very true.

Do you know what would help if it was available?