Can't get this poor woman out of my head and it's starting to affect me

[ChickenSkin]

I'm a student nurse and my first placement was working in oncology. I was sat in on a consultation one day when a 31 year old woman (same age as me) was told she had 6 months left to live, at the most. She was bouncing her 2 year old son on her knee as the doctor spoke.
I can't get it out of my head. Lots of other stuff happened on that placement that was upsetting but I can't stop thinking about her.

Thing is, my best friend was talking today and she reckons it has had more of an affect on me that I realise. She is concerned my new "zest for life" has made me wreckless and irresponsible. Since the placement I have spent £100s on credit cards and store cards when I would never have done that before. It doesn't seem a big deal to me anymore. My car failed its MOT last week and I used it as an excuse to by a new car. I've just ordered another £100 worth of clothes off the internet and I had to literally battle with my conscience a few minutes ago as I was about to press the "order" button on a new state of the art laptop which I don't need, but want.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has reacted in this way to something similar or is it not likely to be connected at all? if it is, is it worth seeing someone or is it likely to blow over itself??

I can't stop thinking about her, every month that goes by I mark mentally as one less to go for her. It's making me want to just go out and do some mental stuff because I can.

Do you have a history of depression / bipolar disorder? Or a family history of mental illness? Sounds a little like the stress of the placement may have been too much for you... And sounds like it may be a hypo manic/manic episode as part of bipolar...

This really doesn't sound normal, do you have access to counselling through whoever organised the placement?

This really doesn't sound normal, do you have access to counselling through whoever organised the placement?

I have a history of mood swings but never been diagnosed with anything other than "mardy cow".

No family history of mental illness in the family though. I just sometimes sit there and think "really, what IS the point? I could die tomorrow, just order the bloody phone/laptop/ipod/jacket - what's the worst that could happen?" but then after a while I'll sit there with my credit card account open and think "oh sweet jesus, I NEED to pay this off ASAP, I can't sleep with all this debt, this is terrible, how could I be so stupid" so I'll spend 6 or so weeks saving every penny to put on the credit cards and then one day I'll think "you know what, I'm bored of this. What's the worst that can happen if I order a few £100s worth of clothing?" and so the cycle continues.

I can get counselling through occupational health but I'm a bit reluctant to take that step. I'm hoping I can control it myself (((she says as she reads an order confirmation from Next)))

Sounds to me like you've ran into the harsh truth that life is short, shorter than you think and often unfair. It may lead you to re-evaluate your priorities. The spending maybe a comfort/self soothing thing or it may be a knee jerk reaction to what is the point of saving for a rainy day.

However if you worry that something more is going on definitely get that counselling.

The thing is I've always been quite "military" with my budgets and savings - almost obsessive over every little penny but I'm starting to believe it really isn't a big deal. And if I can let go of my old strict ways I can maybe accept that being a little "looser" on the purse isn't actually bad? It's not wrong of me to spend if I know I can pay it back, is it? Maybe I'm just changing as a person?

It's not wrong of you to spend if you can pay it back, no. But you have to be sure you can pay it back. It would be better if you only spent what you already had though.

Do you know why this incident has led to you wanting to spend more? Can you pinpoint the feelings / thought process you have? I understand you're just thinking "stuff it, why not" but do you know if that links to this experience in your head?

I've read your OP. I can't get that woman out of my head now. How awful. It doesn't make me want to spend though, it makes me want to go and grab my DS out of bed and cuddle him forever, just in case I don't get chance to again.

FWIW I would go and talk to someone about it - it's a traumatic thing to have sat through and you might need some support.

It was her face. She showed little emotion - in fact she looked like someone had just told her the boiler is knackered and nobody can fix it until Monday - it was surreal.

I took a look at my credit card statement today and reality has snapped back in, I need to pay some of that off, it's ridiculous. I also went out yesterday and bought a coffee table just cos I wanted one. Straight onto the credit card. I paid that off today whilst looking at the statement and mouthing "sweet Jesus! what have I done!!?" at my laptop.

Can you cut up your card until things have settled down a bit?

You are wasting time and money doing this so....Maybe everytime you feel the urge you could make a donation to Cancer Research instead and remind yourself that its not money that makes life worth living?

I am a sister in paediatric intensive care - I recently was part of the team who sucessfully resuciated an 8yr old (who looked identical to my DS) I was doing chest compressions and afterwards could not stop thinking it could have been DS. I came home & hugged him so hard. That lady will hopefully get all care and support that she now needs.

We have an excellent support system at work - we all talk to each other, there is a psychologist available if we request a meeting. Ultimately it was not my son, and it is my job to do these things repeatedly without falling apart afterwards. Talk it through with your tutors, find a positive way to release stress & stop spending money you don't have.