I think I may be having a breakdown

[Ontheedge12]

So from outside I guess my life looks pretty damn perfect. High flying career, good salary, seemingly lovely DH and 6 months pregnant with first much wanted child. However feel like I'm staring into an abyss and one step away from insanity.

Moved to smaller company 2 years ago to further career and absolutely loved it at first but has been going steadily downhill for a year. One person in particular - same level as me- seems to want me out and pregnancy has made it worse it seems. Questions everything I do and everything I say. Undermines me at every turn. In too senior position to complain to HT - would make me seem weak - but exhausted by constant internal fighting - aside from the job itself which is long hours and high pressure. Desperately worried about what the stress is doing to my baby.

Don't think DH particularly cares. I have to work because his job long term is uncertain but he doesn't seem to understand the stress it's putting me under. Complained tonight that my tossing and turning as I tried to get comfortable in bed was irritating and he wished he was somewhere else. I'm now In the spare room.

Cant sleep at night worrying about work, then worrying about what worrying is doing to the baby. cry constantly when alone.

Am really awful to the people who do care, like my mum.

Tonight lying here I'm thinking if I wasn't having the baby I'd be able to escape. Hating it for trapping me here and hate myself even more for thinking like that. Feel like I can't breathe. I can't go on like this but no idea what to do.

You are experiencing strong anxiety. The best thing is to go and talk to your GP, honestly it is. Best wishes.

get yourself to the gp tomorrow. Only they will be able to diagnose and give you any help you require. good luck

You poor woman.

Firstly, feeling trapped during your first or any pregnancy is a really really common experience. Having a child is life-changing event and your life will change. That feeling is not proof of a breakdown, rest assured! We've pretty much all been there, I can guarantee.

Secondly, you seem to be fielding a lot of crap at work. IS this having a discernible effect on your health? To the extent that you might consider taking time off sick? You are probably exhausted and could do with a few days sleep tbh. Can you still fly? Maybe a week in the sun with a stack of novels? Is that possible?

Thirdly, your firm would be mad to sack or remove you during pregnancy- they'd open themselves up to a huge lawsuit for wrongful dismissal and sex discrimination. There is a chance they could be making it very unpleasant for you in the hope you'll leave. DO NOT LEAVE of your own accord! You'd be doing their task for them (if that is their task). If that is their game, you want to make it difficult and expensive for them.

Fourthly, try not to get too upset about your reactions towards your mum. Your mum is tough, she's been there. She can almost certainly tell that you're under huge stress- maybe she would be a good RL person to talk to first? Mums are pretty thick-skinned- they put up with us as teenagers for a start!

Fifthly, not wanting to be an apologist for your DH but men are a bit thick when it comes to understanding pregnancy and its effects. Most of them don;t really understand it until the baby is born and then they realise how monumental it is. It's at this time in life that you realise that men really are do just have dodgy chromosomes. Have you spoken to him about all this? Not omitting the exhaustion? Have you run the crap at work scenario past him? He may have a surprising angle on it.

Sorry you're having a shit time. If it's any consolation you will absolutely not be alone with this. TBH none of it sounds like a breakdown to me- more like a perfectly sensible reaction to a lot of stress.

I have a lot of sympathy, as I was in a very similar position when pg with DD1 (2nd child). I had moved from a lovely family-friendly company to a well-known multinational, where I struggled to fit in, came up against several people who undermined me constantly, and had a monster daily commute to deal with into the bargain. I cried every evening.

I eventually left when 6 months pg and, rather than rejoin the rat-race I took a 6 year career break (having a third DC two years later). Leaving work was the happiest moment of my life, despite the fact that money was tight for a while. But it was "only a job", and the happiness of myself and my family was so much more important.

Does stress harm an unborn baby? Well, my other two were full-term, normal pregnancies with natural births, but DD1 was small-for-dates, induced at 38 weeks and eventually born by emergency CS. Was it the stress? Who knows? She is now a strapping 11yo, by the way!

Your DH and your long-awaited baby are far more important than some nasty cow at work. Try to start your maternity leave at the earliest opportunity! Count the days til you can leave. Do not let yourself be pushed out; you need the option to go back, although things will seem very different when you have a baby.

And look after yourself.

Sorry it's taken a few days to respond and thank you for all your responses. Just writing it down and feeling like there are people who care really helps.

I think it is a combination of anxiety and stress. I'm not sure if it can get any better. What I really want to do is quit my job but that's not currently an option. I am only starting maternity leave 2 weeks before my baby is due as my mat leave (in terms of paid leave) is really poor.

I decided to try some stress relief techniques and look after myself. This baby is more important than anything else and this g-t at work is not worth it I know. I 'm also seeing the GP on Monday to see how if they can help. Maybe back on next week, feeling better today because it's Saturday so I can get perspective.

Hang on in there.

You are right, in the grand scheme of things your baby is way more important than all the crap at work.

It "wasn't an option" for me to quit my job either, but I did. I was earning double DH's salary at the time, and things were really tight for a while. But we managed. Having said that, I was not entitled to any SMP (I found out I was pg two days before starting the job), so I didn't have the same incentive to hang on in there as you do.

Hope the doc can offer some support.