I'm not sure whether it is fair to post this problem in this section. My sister is 38 and has had a hard time over the years with problems ranging from bulimia, anorexia, depression, borderline personality disorders to name a few of the labels. In 2007 she was hospitalised after a serious bout of depression which led to 2 overdoses.
Anyway, that's just the background.
She had 3 children with her 1st husband prior to the 2007 breakdown (all of them accidents according to her). She met someone in hospital with schizophrenia, had an affair with him and left her husband. She got pregnant (with the new man) shortly after she was discharged, weighing about 7 stones and still seriously ill. Her 3rd child was only 18 months then and desperately needed her mummy. I persuaded her to have a termination. She has never forgiven me or herself for that. I still believe that this was the right advice at the time and under the circumstances.
She subsequently got a lot better on medication, has had 2 further (planned) children with her now new partner and she swore she wasn't having any more. She also admitted to having bitten off more than she could chew with having 5. But she has been very sensible about her mental health and been a great mum. She has always been a great mum apart from in 2007 when she really lost perspective and didn't really know any better.
She rang me the other day to say she had a problem. She was pregnant. I was silent. She was crying and saying it was a mistake, and they only had unprotected sex twice etc etc. I really felt terrible. She said it was not what she wanted etc etc. But she was not going to consider a termination after the last one, she could never do that ever again.
I'm really upset and thrown by it. I have 3 children and have always been the more sensible sister. I know there is nothing wrong with having big families (as she kept telling me). But deep down inside I know that she uses pregnancy as a way to make herself cope with the feelings of depressions which had started to creep up on her in the last 3 months since she weaned her 15 month old off breast feeding. Her hormone levels plummet and she gets depressed. And so she gets pregnant. I honestly don't know how she can even remotely consider having another baby. Her kids are 14, 12, 6, 3 and 1. They are all desperately in need of her attention. They live in a very small house, where the 1 year old has to sleep in the lounge and the others all share rooms (nothing wrong with that either) but it's so stressful for them all.
I feel like a terrible sister. All she wanted was for me to say ' it will be OK'. But I really couldn't. I really could not think of anything except how irresponsible and selfish she had been.
In her defence, she said to me that at the end of the day, the children will grow up and this won't be the main story of their lives - they will go on to have their own lives somewhere else. But this is the story of her life and this is what makes her tick. She's like the old woman who lived in a shoe. Surviving on prozac and a partner on anti-sychotics, who regularly stops his meeds because he doesn't think he needs to be on them.
Am I wrong to feel cross and upset? It nearly killed me in 2007 to get her over that depression. I can't ever give that much again, and this time I don't know if she is ill or just plain silly or neither.
Any thoughts? My own ones right now are - just let her live her life and try to always be there for her and the kids.