Is this the start of PND or is this normal?

[moremindful]

Apologies for what may turn out to be a mammoth post.
I have a 2 week old baby and am worried I might be suffering from PND. I had it with my last child also, and got in quite a bad way with it so I want to act early this time if I do indeed have reason to worry. I was a single parent from the off with my first child, and was finalyl diagnosed with PND when she was about 18 months old. I had bad anxiety too. I got better with a combination of CBT and medication but I wish I had asked for help sooner really.
My new baby is with a new partner and I am finding it hard to accept that I'm not on my own this time. I feel like I just want to shut myself away with the baby and get on with things. It's like I don't know how to let him in. I find myself wondering every day if I've made a terrible mistake in having a baby with him and if you asked me if I loved him then I would honestly say no. Small niggly things about him have become mammoth, can't live with them things in my mind. I don't know if the problem is just with me or if in fact I do want the relationship to end.
He's done nothing wrong, I just don't feel happy. I hate that I feel this way, I really do. I should be happy that I have a partner who is so happy to be a father and wants to help. So why do I feel that I would be better on my own? Especially when I know that when I had to do it on my own, I got so ill. I think a lot of my problem is that I had to learn to be so independant when I had my dd, I'm finding it so hard to let go of that. I can't ever let myself be in a position where I can't cope by myself, I am so afraid to become dependent on someone. I have been up and about since we got home with the baby as I'm so unable to let him get on with things. I feel on edge when he's around which I know isn't fair on him :( I dislike handing the baby over for cuddles. We were at his parents house today and I had to go upstairs and cry for absolutely no reason. We're going to take the baby to meet friends of his tomorrow and I can;t bear the thought of having to do it. So what on earth do I do? I really feel unable to talk to him about feeling like this as it feels so unfair that I feel like this towards him, and I feel it will upset him. I know it would upset me if someone felt like they didn't want me around.
So where do I start? And are these normal feelings after having a baby? I have blanked so much out that happened after my dd was born that I honestly don't know how my depression after that started. One thing that is a positive for me though is that the baby is so good. My dd was a very difficult baby and I do think it affected my bonding with her. This one is a completely different kettle of fish and I feel almost 'safer' loving her. With my dd1, I felt almost that I wasn't allowed to love her :(

Couldn't read this and run. 2 weeks after the birth I think I was a bit of a head case. Scared to leave the house with baby or step away from her for a moment. If you are worried I would seek advice sooner rather that later but if it's just adapting to a huge change in your life then give yourself a break! I always want to hide away from the world with a newborn. Sending an unmumsnet hug!

You know, reading your post sounds so familiar. I too was on my own with dd1. Lived alone with her for 3 and a half years with no input from her 'dad'. Was used to doing everything on my own.
And again, new partner, new baby. And found it so much harder having to do it with someone else.

I developed PND with dd2 and have been on medication for 8/9 months now with not a lot of change. Dd2 is almost 10 months.

I found it very hard being with my (ex) partner after dd2 was born. The majority of the problem was the lack of support and how he literally, for want of a better word, completely took the piss out of me.

For a while I knew I didn't love him anymore. I didn't want to talk to him never mind being anywhere near him. But I was with him for the sake of the kids. I was embarrassed I had no support from him. I was ashamed that if we were to split, I would have 2 kids to 2 different men and what would that look like???!
But now I figure that as long as my girls are happy then what people think of me doesn't matter.

Completely gone off point here but I would suggest you talk to him (if you can) tell him how you feel and what you're thinking.
And I guess you would know the signs to look out for too.
Talk to your HV/GP. Make sure someone knows how you feel.

This is the first time I've suffered from PND so I have no idea if what you're saying is 'normal' But I know it was normal for me.
So we're either both completely not normal. Or we're both perfectly normal.
Either way it's not just you and it's not just me!

Thank you both. It's complicated I think (and I should have mentioned this in the OP) by the fact we can't afford to move in together yet. For the first few nights home he was asleep on the sofa as I didn't feel comfortable co sleeping with him in the same bed, but since then I've been sending him home at night. And I don't know what I want from him. It's almost 10 o clock, he said he'd be over first thing. To me that's 7 or 8. I feel like he can't win and I don't know what's reasonable. So it's just easier to get on with things by myself. I know when he does eventually show up I'll be in a bad mood with him and go silent. So as far as he goes, I suppose I'm the one with the problem. It just seems so unfair that he gets all the 'fun' bits I suppose.

I completely understand how you feel as I was a single parent for 10years before I had my second child.

Have you had a discussion with your partner about what you expect from each other in relation to raising your baby and about what each other's strengths and weaknesses are? You don't have experience of having a partner help you so maybe you are not sure how much/little you should be expecting from them?

If you explain to him how you feel it may open up some positive communication between you. In the meantime there is no harm in a visit to your GP just to make sure everything is ok in relation to PND.