Feelings of panic, desperation and wanting to stab myself rising up in me again today

[Memoo]

Im writing this here because I want to avoid doing something stupid on MN like I did last time. I'm still hugely ashamed after that. :(

There is so much going on at the moment, huge things that I have no control over. Loss of control is a big problem for me. I feel panicky and stressed and it becomes a very physical feeling, right in the pit of my stomach. Then the suicidal feelings start and before you know it I'm gripped by urges to stab myself in the tummy.

What do I do? How do I nip this in the bud now?

Do you have someone in RL you can tell how you're feeling? Can you call crisis team?

Sorry I'm not much help. Am sure someone better will be along soon.

Call your crisis team asap

I don't want to phone crisis because there is nothing they can do. They'll come round and talk to me but Ive heard it all before.

I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself. I'm going to get on with the day but just feel like shit through out it.

I can talk to dh. But you know you get sick of taking. You get sick of everything. I guess that where the suicide thoughts come in to it.

Oh Memoo I remember how badly you have suffered, but can't remember the exact details, but know your mental illness is a major thing in your life. I know the torment of depression and anxiety but can't remember if that's what you have. I know that suicidal thoughts are a major symptom of depression (had them many times myself) but think PTSD can produce similar symptoms.

I know what you mean about crisis team. I think many people (even on HM thread) think that CPNs can do more than they actually can. They don't have a magic bullet (if only) though sometimes I have been calmed down by just talking to them on the phone. As you say though you have heard it all before.

So so sorry you are feeling so crap - think the only thing you can do is try to get through the day in 30 minute chunks, seems easier sometimes than seeing the whole day stretch ahead. But feeling shit is awful - not good myself today but hoping to improve as day goes by, but haven't got suicidal thoughts. Presume you have children as you are on MN - is that a help (as in just have to push yourself through) or a hindrance. I know I just want to get under the duvet and hide from the world when bad days come.

Wish I could do more to help. Here to talk if you need to NNx

Thank you NN xx your words are very soothing to me because you clearly totally get where I'm coming from. I do have depression but it's the anxiety that is killing me at the moment.

I do have children, 3 of my own and 2 step daughters. I adore them all and they bring me great joy. During my darkest days they have been my saviour. I could never leave them and they kept me going.

The weather is rubbish here so we are having a lazy day. Dh is cooking and I'm sat with the dc watching rubbish Tv (smile) as usual being with them has lifted my mood a little.

Just taking it hour by hour and then tomorrow is another (hopefully better) day.

Sorry to hear that memoo. IME both depression and anxiety are horrific. But I do find the anxiety slightly worse to cope with. Not being able to sit still or relax at all despite being physcially and emotionally exhausted is awful .

So sorry you are suffering again. It is a rocky road with this illness, as you know there are good days and bad days. We just have to hold on to the fact that overall there are more good days than bad days. You WILL have good days again. What is happening with your meds these days? Do they need reviewing at all?

It's good you find comfort in your DCs. Hold on to that positive thought. You need to keep telling yourself the positives in your situation. It may not feel like it helps, but our subconscious is affected by taking the decision to think and vocalise positive thoughts.

NanaNina sorry you are not too good at the moment either. Hope you get some good days soon too xx

:) you sound a bit better this afternoon?

Memoo and NN - hope your days have improved.

Memoo - What you describe is very common with anxiety. Its like the feelings become so overwhelming you start to worry that you cant control them. I always try and keep repeating 'this too will pass' - and do anything gentle i can to distract my thoughts. (I always laugh when i read things saying that tv is no good for relaxation. rubbish tv has got me through many a bad day!)

Hope tomorrow much better x

Hi Kizzie - nice to "see" you. I have been great this year, only few bad days here and there, but crap couple of days (and I do know the trigger) which is unusual. Have my sons, dils and gr/chdrn all coming tomorrow for Easter weekend, which I have been looking forward to, but also feeling anxious about, wanting everything to be ok. I have always had this sense that it is my responsibility that everyone is all right and having a nice time. Wish I didn't as it puts me under a lot of pressure.

How are you these days?

Sorry Memoo -it's just I haven't seen Kizzie on MN for a long time. I thought you sounded a big better this afternoon. 5 kids, my god you must be an earthmother. Amazing that you can cope with so many and suffer mental illness as well. Respect! xx

I am glad to see you Memoo as I was thinking about you this morning and worried as I hadn't seen you post for a bit. I am sorry you have had another tough day. It is so tough when you are fighting the same battles over and over again, isn't it? So exhausting. If what you have tried so far hasn't worked is there anything else you can try? Maybe something different to medication/counselling and more like self help things? What has helped a little with me is taking one thing at a time and stopping trying to do everything 5 minutes ago. It took a while to get here, it is going to take a while to get back.

This afternoon has been a little better. I spent most of my time today hiding in my room but I made myself come down and had a lovely meal with dh and dc.

It's so true about getting tired of fighting the same battles. Some times it's like groundhog day. The thought of doing this every day for the next 30 years or whatever is truly depressing.

I can cope with the normal, mundane days now as I have a good routine. Its just when other stuff crops up that my head go into a spin. We have lots of visiting to do this weekend which I'm not looking forward to.

I'm still plagued by the feeling of not wanting to be here. I do what I do for the sake of the kids. I haven't beaten my illness I've just learnt to suppress it enough to act normal. Its just that sometimes it bubbles up and overwhelms me.

I'm still waiting for therapy. My psychiatrist referred me ages ago but there is apparently a huge waiting list. I still hate myself and everything about me. I still feel like I could sleep 24/7. I'm waffling I know but I just can't articulate how crap I feel, though I suspect you have all felt as bad too :(

Thank you all so much for being here. I hope you all know just how much I appreciate you x

I freak out if I don't know what is happening or something unexpected come along. I am much happier when I know what is happening. Even small things like knowing what we are having for tea and that the animals all have what they need.

Don't forget there is The Samaritans if you need more than MN.

Just wanted to send best wishes Memoo. I have generalised anxiety issues but nothing compared to yours. I know how unpleasant mine is and think you should give yourself credit for coping as well as you do.

Memoo I know exactly what you mean about having to do something out of the ordinary. I suspect a lot of your anxiety is related to the forthcoming visiting. Do you actually have to do all the visiting, and are they people with whom you don't have to put on too much of an act.

I am sure that my crap days are anxieties about my family all coming for the Easter weekend. They are my well loved sons, dils and grandchildren, so god knows why I am so amxious, but I am. I have been fretting about meals etc and there is no reason as they are all very laid back people. I have always had this thing that I am solely responsible for everyone having a nice time, family and friends, and it probably comes from my childhood but I have no conscious memory of this. This puts me under a lot of pressure especially as my family only get together once a year (because of different countries) for one son, dil and grandchildren.

Glad you were able to withdraw for a while this afternoon Memoo and had the courage to join the family for a nice meal. You sound like you have a very supportive DH.

Hope you will feel better and more in control once this visiting is over. Before I had major episodes of depression I would never have understood anybody like this. You have to experience it to understand how terrible it is don't you. Do you know who your psychiatrist has referred you to - maybe phone his/her secretary to nudge them. Often it is CBT which many find veryhelpful. My CPN introduced me to it but she had only done one course so was limited in her understanding of it but I got the basics. I am seeing a clinical psychologist on the NHS but I think that is because I was an inpatient for 3 months, though it was 2 years ago. She is very nice but I can't say she has helped with my depression. I think counsellors are fine if you have some buried trauma that needs to see the light of day, as bringing things into the open can reduce their power over you.

Sorry I'm rambling - but please please don't think in terms of the next 30 years. All the medics tell you that depression is a self limiting illeness and we have to believe this.

Do you have any diazepam - I am on a very small dose and was weaningmyself off them, but am taking them at the moment.

Let's get over Easter visits and then see how things are. Love NNxx

Tranquilidade, thank you, that's a very kind thing to say.

My anxiety could well be related to all the Easter visits we have to do. I can get out of seeing my friend but we really do need to do the others. We're taking lunch over to fil tomorrow and then going to hospital to visit mil who is very poorly and nearing the end of her life. We have to help fil find a suitable home for her to stay in as the hospital are trying to get rid of her but she's not well enough to be at home.

Then Sunday we are having lunch at my parents which will probebly be nice but you never know with my mum.

Ds (11) is at his dads for the next 10 days. He loves being there and obviously I'm happy for him to go but God I miss him :( even tonight when we were eating it just didn't feel right.

Plus I have other things going on with my physical health that are worrying me

Hello lovely Memoo!

Just wanted to recommend a book that someone on mental health here recommended to me, it's
www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb__ss_c_1_10?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=depressive+illness+the+curse+of+the+strong&sprefix=depressive%2Caps%2C227

got to dash now but be back later!

www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb__ss_c_1_10?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=depressive+illness+the+curse+of+the+strong&sprefix=depressive%2Caps%2C227

Wow. I linked. Cooool...

I would second that book recommendation too.

Sounds like you have a lot of extra pressure on you at the moment memoo. Try not to expect too much from yourself. Also I agree with NN - dont torture yourself with 'the next 30 years' being like a bad day. Things change all the time (believe me I am the WORST for this!!)

Thanks for the link (and well done ) I'll definitely have a read of that book.

Yes it doesn't cover huge anxiety, but I have found lots in it so far about the process of getting better, and the things we do to muck it up.

I, for instance, insist in overdoing it hugely so I can feel like a good wife and mother, while forgetting to eat properly and overdosing myself on OTC drugs and sleep aids to feel 'normal.'

The fact that not only does this wear me out to hospital admittance state and a) all these drugs completely stop my ADs working and b) are massively damaging to me physically seems to have escaped me... (up until recently anyway)

Sometimes it is just a case of scraping through the day, sometimes I feel that I just drag my carcass through each day, as it's the most I can manage. However if you are on the right / right dose of ADs, hopefully this will just be a temporary phase. The problem with this illness is that every shit day feels like it's going to be like that, as you say memoo, for the next 30 years.

Are you looking after your diet memoo?