So. I have had depression in the past but fairly briefly and got back on track quickly with counselling and ditching the main cause of the problem. That was 10 years ago and although I am aware that I occasionally have low days it is rare and I can easily say I have not been depressed since.
But I feel like it is coming back. I am involved in a relationship I should not be involved in and so the situation is entirely my fault. But I am very in love and finding walking away so difficult. Logically I know in the long term it would make me feel much better but in the short term the idea of never seeing him again makes me have thoughts that I am scared of. There is no clear resolution to the situation and currently we are in a limbo that will carry on for many weeks at least. There is nothing I can do to change that so I just need to change how I am dealing with it IYSWIM
So for now I am functioning. I go to work, I do my job. I occasionally cry at work but carry on with my work and everyone is very nice about it even if I can't tell them what is wrong. I can't take time off for various reasons and I think having to go to work is one thing keeping me going anyway as it distracts me from how I feel if it is busy.
I swing wildly through the day from feeling fine, happy even, can talk to people and seem ok and then 10 minutes later I am in tears. I am not suicidal but have vague fleeting thoughts of self harm. If I could think of a way that I could self harm without leaving any visible evidence I am pretty sure I would. A few hours later and those feelings pass and I am back to ok.
I feel like I am coping on a very basic level- get up, eat (sometimes), go to work but any thoughts of revising for my exams or doing anything else more than that are impossible. I have thoughts of running away but that is more because I just don't quite know what to do if I am at home. I am agitated, I can't concentrate. I cannot plan even for later in the day never mind next week and am just getting through the days rather than actually doing anything
I have booked in for counselling and I start that soon so I am hoping that will help. I have a couple of people I can talk to but I don't feel like I am completely honest with them. I think I am just recognising the signs and I am terrified of doing something stupid to myself that I will regret. Not because I want to die but because I have this over riding feeling I need to do SOMETHING, make things stop for a while, make it go away.
Sorry that was really long. I think I just needed to write it all down.