DH suffering with anxiety

[Jinsei]

DH has been a nightmare to live with in recent years - always irritable & on edge, and terribly pessimistic about everything. Some of his worries are justified, but many of them are excessive and also beyond his control. He worries about his own life, his health, his lack of employment, money, his extended family, the state of the economy, and about me and dd too. He doesn't sleep well, and he also suffers from tinnitus.

I have wanted him to talk to a doctor for ages, and finally he saw his gp, who diagnosed him with generalised anxiety disorder. He agrees with the diagnosis to some extent but still thinks that it is the circumstances that are making him anxious, rather than any "disorder". To some extent, I think he blames me for a lit of it. :(

He is basically a good guy who has had a difficult time over the last few years and I really want to be supportive. I wouldn't blame him if he had a physical condition, and I know that mental health issues should not be treated any differently. We talked properly about his anxiety for the first time in years today, and I felt horribly sorry for him as he clearly feels very isolated and alone.:( I want to help him through this.

However, the truth is, the way he has been in recent years has taken a major toll on our marriage. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and I constantly feel a vague sense of guilt as if It's all my fault. Rationally, I know it isn't, but I do think he blames me partly, and I have very low self esteem anyway. My own mother suffered with anxiety and depression too, and I had the same feeling of being responsible when I was a teenager.

I find it very hard not to absorb his bad mood and get dragged down by it, so I need some support and advice for myself, but also really want some advice on what I can do to help DH, as I do love him and it pains me to see him suffering as much as he clearly is.

Can anyone help?

I have to be honest I can't see that your dh isn't worrying about anything abnormal? The worrying about money, employment and economy is all tied in really.

These seem like fairly normal fears. If your dh did get a job then of course these worries would evaporate. Having no job gives you no foundation for life on which to build.

Yes, as I said, many of the worries are justified, I do get that, and I am certainly not blaming him for how he feels. But the extent to which he worries and the impact that this has on him and on family life is not normal. I'm sure of that, and I'm also sure that the anxiety would not just evaporate if he found a FT job. He would just find other stuff to worry about.

I probably didn't make things very clear in my OP. I should have said that he was just as anxious about different stuff when he did have a job. Obviously, being made redundant was a huge blow, and he now has more time to worry than he did before. However, it isn't as bleak as it might sound - he still does some freelance work, and he has also found a part time job. It isn't what he wants to do, and it certainly isn't the career he dreamed of. I can totally empathise with that, and it saddens me that his potential is being wasted in many ways. :( I understand what redundancy can do to your sense of self-worth - he says he feels useless, and this breaks my heart. :( But he is not useless. And he is still earning his own money, he has a job of sorts, and he is therefore in a better situation than many others.

Also, the worries about money are all out of proportion. I work FT and earn a good salary. I have always been the main breadwinner, and this never used to bother him. We have a small mortgage which we regularly overpay, and we have savings too. We are not rich, but we are not at all badly off either.

It's like living with a big black cloud sometimes. He can seem so bitter and critical, I find it very hard to live with. I know it isn't his fault, but I am struggling to cope with it. I don't know what to do, but I can't live like this forever. :(

what treatmetn is he ahvin?
has he been referred for CBT?
no poin having diagnosis with no treatment plan.

my exp had/has anxiety - it is v difficult to live with. you need a plan.
you nee to talk to someone - with your h if h is willin to come up with strategies, what you/he will do in specific situations. how to set your boundaries.

like you say - i doubt getting a job he wants or other thing will stop the anxiety - whatever he does something will trigger it.

it is up to him to seek help get treatment, CBT or whatever.

you can talk to someone about you feeling snad devise some strategies for ou and dd t minimise the impact.
try ethink or mind locally or ask GP tor efer you for nhs counselling sp you can talk to someone.

and get some breaks from him - take dd to stay with friend for a weekend or send him off for a weekend somewhere .

gp could refer you to family therapy to discuss it together too.

www.rethink.org/how_we_can_help/our_services/carer_support.html

Rethink (sorri my keyboard mis types)

he has been diagnosed so you are a carer now get carer support...

for dd young carers

www.youngcarers.net/i_care_for_someone_who/30/39

also you cannot help him directly tho you can support him - the help must come from profressionals and he has to be the one seeking that help as he is an adult.
he has to want to not feel anxious and he has to be willing to seek referral from gp try CBT and other therapies

Has he been prescribed anything? i was recently diagnosed with anxiety and have been taking citalopram for a month now and am starting to feel much better. I can function normally now. Has he been offered counselling?

Hi, thanks for the replies and support. He is very resistant to taking any prescriptions, but he has agreed to go for counselling. We are waiting for a counsellor to contact him. Can't write much now, as I am at work, but will come back later. Thank you.

I think he does want to stop feeling anxious, definitely, but in his mind, the only way that can happen is if all the external "problems" go away iyswim. He doesn't really believe that treatment will work, because he thinks the cause of his problems is out there and not in his own head. Some of the problems are real, of course, but that's just part of life, isn't it? He seems to think that others live in some fantasy world where everything is perfect all the time, but life just isn't like that.

I am happy that he has agreed to go for counselling, at least, and I hope that this will be a step in the right direction. I know that he needs professional help, I just want to be as supportive as I can be.

You're right, I need to get help for myself. Have never really thought of myself as a carer, but it is certainly hard to live with someone who is always stressed and anxious. I will have a look at the re-think site, and will think about going to my GP. My own mental health is shaky at best, so I probably do need some help to deal with this.

Does GAD tend to hang around for life, or does it get better?

my exP believed that if we moved to switzerland/another country/etcetc then all problems would go away. of couse they would not.

anxiety can be treated
meds can help
CBT can help - will the counselling be CBT or general talking ?

at least it will be a start anyway

I think general talking, not sure if he was offered CBT. However, I'm just grateful that he will be getting some sort of help.

I can so relate to what you say about your exp thinking that a move would help. We moved half way across the world because he wasn't happy, and then half way across the uk. The problem just moves with us. :(