Is this depression or just LIFE? (long)

[TOTU]

I've not had it easy by any means (who has?). And you don't have to have reasons to get depressed, but to give a bit of back story and not drip feed, my past 8 years have included ivf, than an unexpected twin birth, finding out my son has cancer, asking my husband to leave (which he did, thankfully), a hysterectomy before I was 35, grieving that I cannot work due my sons condition, etc, etc. You get the idea.

I've had counselling which helped massively, AD's (Mirtazapine at varying doses). Stopped about 6 months ago, tapered with doctors advice

I came off the AD's after 2.5 years (I think) but I still get that sinking feeling. I'm usually awake before the alarm goes off in the morning but I think "oh fuck, another day"!

Which sounds awful doesn't it? But isn't that just normal for any Mum?

I think a lot of people deal with worse than me and I should bloody pull myself together. It's just life.

I'm rambling....I'd be interested if anyone has ever felt like this and how they got through it.

Thanks

Blimey - I haven't got the experience you are looking for, but to my mind that sounds like it would be enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed another day has arrived. Hope you have some good RL support.

Bump. :)

You mean you've gone through all that and survived?!

To me it sounds like it's life, it's what you have been through but it's not "just life"iyswim... yes there are people worse off but there are many many more people that haven't and it's not fair that you've been through all that.

I think you need to give yourself a break and give yourself permission to feel the way you do. Would you be so hard on someone else that had been through all that? Probably not.

I've been through some shit in my life and have spent some time on ads but I don't feel like I would be like that if those things hadn't happened.

Hopefully i've made some sense. now be nice to yourself! :)

I think you definitely need to talk this through with somebody like your GP because it's hard to say wether you are depressed or not.

Do you feel so down all the time? Do you ever have periods of happiness or find you're enjoying certain parts of your life?

Difficult question, but, do you ever think about harming or killing yourself?

Do you get time out for yourself ever?

I have a severely disabled son and never resent time I spend on what I call maintaining my mental health. Mainly this is horse riding for an hour once every other week. Although I try to sneak off to go surfing sometimes as well. It's very easy to not make time, or for there to be so much other stuff going on that there's no time at all. If that's the case I think it's important to park the guilt and work out a way that you can get some time to do what you want. Even if it's only a hour a week I've found it makes a huge difference

Thanks for all the replies. When I woke up this morning and there were none, I felt sooooo unpopular.

Gin and Saintie Thank you for your kind words.

Memoo I don't feel down all the time and I am definitely not thinking of harming or killing myself (although I have in the past, which is what lead to the counselling and ADs). I just feel so bogged down with the relentlessness of it all - hospitals, appointments, the school run, etc. Having to time every last thing round the kids. Being unable to do things because one of my sons is autistic and it really does limit what I can do with the others.

I do enjoy reading and watching films. I've started walking quite a lot recently, so yes, I do feel happy then. I feel happy when my daughter leaves me a little surprise note telling me she loves me.

saintly Sorry about your son. You see, I feel guilty for even moaning because my 3 kids are in school all day so I HAVE time to myself.

I think I've come to the conclusion I still have issues over having to give up work plus the other things that have happened. Maybe I should look for some counselling as I have extremely low self-esteem. Everybody tells me I'm a great Mum but I just don't believe it.

Thanks again. You've all made me think and not feel alone.

Did you definitely have to give up work? I run my own business from home (am meant to be working now actually), and while it has disadvantages it does mean I don't have to try and arrange anything around the school bus or try and organise childcare for ds1 (when there basically isn't any for someone with his level of need).

Totu I think when you are firmly at the back of the queue it can be very hard to adjust and when everything is reliant on you holding it all up but actually what/who is holding you up.... hmmm there is an obvious problem there, which is no failing of yours.

Maybe now you are not at your lowest point as you have been, you could get your thinking cap on as to how best to make the most of your days - something fun or something productive like saintly says might just be the boost you need.
Everyone needs a boost and to not have one and feel low is not a sign of a bad mum. You are a great mum as you have held the family together and stood by your kids when many people would have been defeated, life has dealt you a crap hand, hopefully you are due something better soon - you never know what is round the corner.

Unfortunately saintly yes, I had to give up work. I was a PA at the time and travelled a lot. Through my own stupidity I ended up with 3 kids under 2. Then I found out the twins had SN.

Working from home could be an option for the future maybe. I have looked into it. For now, I have too many appointments and assessments to go to. I've also never found a home business opportunity that would suit me, and I have looked extensively, believe me!

Gin I do need a boost. You're right. Walking has given me a bit of a new lease of life. Actually opening my eyes and taking in what I see. I need another hobby maybe?

I feel more positive today. Thank you all.

Glad you feel better. It's no fun feeling down (duh!). :)