I love my ds but I dont feel that 'bond' still, after 18mo..

[VickyandAlistair]

just want some advice really. My ds is 18mo and although I am besotted with him, and love him dearly,
I dont feel 'bonded' to him iyswim? I never wanted children tbh, although gs was planned Igot pregnant because of outside pressure - dh wanted a child desperately and I am 30 next year so I didnt really know what I was waiting for. But my pregnancy was horrible, i had hg and although stopped
being physically sick at 20 weeks, felt terribly sick right up until the end. I also had antenatal depression (I have a long history of depression and still take anti d's for it) and saw a counsellor until I was 15wks pg.
My concerns were probably all fairly run of the mill - would I love my baby, would I be a good mum etc..

Had him at 39wks by elcs as he was breech, and tbh I barely remember the first few weeks of his life, such was my mental state. I had a bit of a breakdown, tried to bf but ds wouldnt take it after the first week which made mefeel like a failure. Just spend all day every day crying, couldnt eat, barely slept.. my poor dh didnt know whathad hit him, it was the worst time of my life. I bitterly regret the first couple of months of my ds's life because
of this, I could hardly bring myself to hold him and now he isnt a cuddly baby and I blame myself for that. I seem to spend my life in a fug of guilt that I am not a better mum. I work 32 hrs a week, I have to for financial reasons andI am paranoid that ds and I dont see eachother enough and that he loves me less for this. I obsess over whether he loves me.

I also have emetophobia, a fear of people vomiting, which seems to have spiralled since having ds, as it causes me to hold him
at arms length. I panic if he wakes at night in case it means he is sick. Sometimes I look at him and feel utterly bewildered,
I feel that my life was so much simpler and easier before he came along..

How can I build that wonderful, mother and son, cant live without him relationship? I worry so much that those early days have
damaged our relationship and it will never be what I want it to be.

Sorry about the ramble, I just have no one in RL I can talk to about these feelings.

First of all I think you need to let go of this idealistic image of this romantic bond between mother and child. Reality is very different and much more up and down. Love is an everyday feeling of him being yours and you wanting to care for him much more than it is waiting to gaze lovingly into his eyes all day.

Not all babies are cuddly, and 18m olds are at the prime age of pushing you away as they urgently need to go and explore.

That said, it sounds like you had a rotten start and that can affect the way you feel about your baby. It would probably be good to talk about this with someone in real life, maybe a counsellor (personally I am a great fan of counselling to help with this kind of thing).

It is possible also to undertake things with your child that really help cement you together, like swimming and even just pushing on the swing. Baking together if you like that - all these things can really help simple as they are.

Finally, I had a very difficult start with ds who spent his first 3 weeks very poorly in hospital after giving us a massive fright and then I had PTSD and I was so anxious that I kept my distance as soon as ds as much as sneezed. It was a long road of recovery for me, but miraculously has not affected ds bonding to me! So there's every chance he will be fine.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Not all of us are good with the baby stage and, quite frankly, if I hadn't gone back to work I would have been a basket case by the time DD was 18 months old.

Madhouse is right. This mythical view of the perfect parent is just that, mythical. We all at some time scream silently in frustration. The trick is not to let your son see it. Children need to know they are loved and, from your post it seems obvious you love him. 18 month olds are simple creatures. They need security, routine and their physical needs catered. Their emotional needs aren't particularly complex at this stage, nor will he be able to remember the bad early weeks. Also remember you are a parenting team. Your DH probably shored up any deficiencies caused by your PND.

Like you, I had a difficult start and didn't feel particularly close to my child until she could construct sentences. Once she could talk our relationship blossomed. being able to share concepts and teaching her how to cook, sew and read is what bonded me to my child. None of this was possible in the early years. DH on the other hand bonded with her over a shared interest in nature and science. Given your average toddler loves feeding ducks or chasing squirrels, he could do this a lot earlier than I could. It's just a case of finding what works for you.

There are ementophobes on mumsnet who will be able to help you form strategies for dealing with it.

I don't know much about the problems you have described but having suffered with depression and anxiety myself I would say it sounds like you are carrying around an awful lot of guilt which is a huge obstacle to building a bond with your son or 'getting better' IMO

you say you've had some counselling but it sounds like a lot of negative feeling still remains.. Have you thought about cognitive behavioral therapy? I had some last year and it really helped me to feel less anxious, and to start believing I deserved good things, which (although I was very lucky to bond with my son) I feel has made me a better parent as well as be able to start standing up for myself and be happy.

I know you said you didn't want children and what you've been through sounds horrible, I've had terrible morning sickness without HG and have felt terribly down about it on occasions - but what matters is 1) you now have a child and more importantly 2) it seems important to you that you have a bond and are a good mum. To my mind with that attitude you are halfway there.

I do think that mental health issues are often not understood but I strongly believe that nobody can recover from depression without (support, medication, talking therapies aside) actually wanting to and being prepared to put some work in. I speak purely from personal experience here.

With regard to one thing you mentioned : the breastfeeding.. Honestly I think the guilt some mum's carry around about not being able to breastfeed is far more damaging to the relationship than the not breastfeeding could ever be. A friend of mine recently put it better than I ever could - she said "its not like he's going to turn round during an argument in 16 years time and say 'and you didn't breastfeed me!'" she's absolutely right; as long as you've not left him to starve then you've nothing to feel bad about.

I seriously recommend the CBT, you both deserve better than dragging this situation out for any longer. Best of luck and stay strong (you are) :)

i think the whole 'bond' thing is rammed so far down our throats we feel like a failure if we dont want to continually confess our undying love for our child.
You know you love him, you wish him no harm, and things will get better in time.
I would suggest some councilling to help you deal witht the trauma's of birth and not being able to cope with vomiting etc.
DO NOT feel guilty for not being able to breast feed. this is another thing that we are made to believe is natural and easy and all babies instincively know how to do it, which is utter shite tbh. My daughter didnt have a clue how to breast feed and i was quite literally in shock because i had always been lead to believe this was just something they did.
I hope you feel better soon and just remember a lot of women do struggle with the same things that you are struggling with, and you shouldnt feel guilty about it

God, thank you so much for your replies everyone. I've read each one carefully and they have made me feel so much better. I think it is this dreadful guilt which I carry around, coupled with my emetophobia, which has affected the bond I have with my little Ali. I do need some help with this and I am going to my DR next week to ask for it. Thank you all