Bloody hell. I am a big f*ck up. :(

[WorldOfMeh]

Well.

Don't want to write an essay, and I don't really know what I'm asking for... but today has been really tough. Not sure why, apart from having had very little sleep.

I've struggled with depression in the past, but since having my daughter I seem to be having a lot of mood swings. Not too many happy highs, though! Getting overwhelmed by everything: I can't seem to keep on top of anything. The house is a tip and I can't seem to get anything right just now.

Today, I was swept away again by a very black one: I start thinking of ways I can remove myself from the equation without dumping my partner in it too badly. Can't seem to think of a way. (Insurance obviously wouldn't pay out, for example.)

Worst thing is that I can't always keep control of myself. I hit myself, hard, in front of her. She's 9 months old. I don't know if I've traumatised her. I hit myself hard enough to nearly break my nose and then my hand, a few times. I swore. I say terrible things I don't mean, hoping she can't understand any of it. I feel terrible.

Can't really talk to my partner about this. He's great, but I can't. I tried anti-depressants in the past and they were awful. I feel like such a hopeless failure, I hate myself.

Got to go. Ugh.

There are different types of AD, and you need to see which ones work for you.
You do not need to be living like this- please go and see your GP or your HV and tell them how you feel.
Did you get your nose/hand treated at all?
Please take care.

Please go and see your Dr....I suffered for years with PND before I went last year. My Ad's have really helped...you don't need or have to live like this...explain you feel down and need some help. They've seen and heard it all before. Try and talk to your partner too, sometimes getting things off your chest and sharing it, makes you feel less alone and that helps enourmously. Big hugs and get some help

Just wanted to second what QZ said really - please make a doctors appointment. You're not well and with help you can get better. Your baby is still very young, I'm sure you haven't traumatised her but you do need to get help before she IS old enough to understand. Please don't hate yourself, hate the illness & kick its arse!

Thank you, QZ, CharlieBoo and keithlemonsbackdoors. Feeling a little less awful. I've had a glass of wine and some food and my partner has been lovely this evening. I feel crap for him, really, as he's under a lot of stress at work. The last thing he needs or deserves is more of my drama.

I will make an appointment tomorrow. It's worth a try, and thank you for persuading me it's worth it. Nose/head/hand ok- just bruised, really. No idea why it isn't worse, but I must have been lucky.

I have been anti in part because I had some unpleasant side effects from tricyclics in the past, and also because there's a history of Bipolar in my close family, which they are contra-indicated for. I think I'm afraid they could induce it in me somehow.

Re: my daughter- this scares me. It's the sudden nature of these emotional storms- I really feel almost like I am having a fit. Strange thing is, this happens to my sibling too. Their child was caught smashing their head in nursery, and I worry in case this could happen to my wee girl too. She has such a sunny nature, I could never forgive myself if she lost it.

Will try to put on my arse-kicking trousers in the morning.

Good luck in the morning!

Did you manage to get an appointment? Feeling awful sucks! I hope you and I manage to find a way to calm these "storms".

Thank you both: got an appointment. The lady on the phone was really nice and helpful, which really made a difference. Maybe I had a hint of 'imminent postal attack' in my voice and she was doing her 'nice, helpful voice for the scary loony', though.

Will see doc late next week, so just need to hide the knives/wear my speshul jacket until then.

Are you seeking help too, MrsMuddyPuddles?

Glad she was helpful! When you see the doctor, mention your fears about triciclics inducing bi-polar; I am NOT a medical professional, but she might know whether or not that's been known to happen. Though there are other classes of meds and non-medical therapies, you might get on better with one of them.

I started ADs about 3 weeks ago, not sure they're working though. today was bad. fairly consistently bad, though, as opposed to a few days ago, which went: normal in the morning, at the end of my tether with kids around lunch, upstairs to take a nap (in a holiday cottage), when that failed I worked out how to disable the safety mechanism on the window and thought about jumping (decided it wasn't the right place/didn't want to do that to everyone we were staying with), calmed down and by dinner time, when a friend and I were reflecting on what a nice holiday it was, and normal and happy enough in the evening. Hmm, all typed out, that doesn't sound great...

I'm so pleased you have an appointment- well done, that must have been difficult for you to do, I'm glad the receptionist was nice, can make all the difference.