Can't do anything properly

[fluffydressinggown]

I feel like I am failing at being mentally unwell :(

Nobody else self harms like I do and I feel really alone with it. I plan it but the plan isn't about choice or choosing, it is just when to do the inevitable. I am very emotionally detached when I self harm and I can spend as long as 2/3 hours doing one cut to make it as deep as I need it to be. This is apparently very unusual. In A&E they are surprised at how deep my cuts are and how I can stand to do something like that to myself. I used to switch myself off in A&E but I had a panic attack last time I was there so I don't know what to do now.

I took an overdose on Tuesday and the hospital couldn't understand how I could take so many and for it not to be a suicide attempt. But it wasn't I just wanted more.

I self harm for damage and control but I don't like the pain and it certainly isn't an emotional realise or a physical expression of emotional pain. I feel really alone in this.

I shower every day and see my friends but it all feels so fake and unreal. When I am doing anything I have images of ways to hurt myself flashing through my head. I have had to cut down on driving because I find focusing hard. I can't go for a coffee without sobbing. I can't sleep well or eat. But I look ok and I can leave the house so it is like it is not real for me and I am faking it all.

I am so very tired. I am fed up of being me. I have attended A&E 3 times since last Thursday. I can't see a way forward at all and I am getting it all wrong even while I feel shit. I can't even hurt myself properly. I am just so so tired but I can't stop hurting myself and I continue to be driven to do that.

I had therapy today and he was lovely and understanding and I see the home treatment team tomorrow and I saw them yesterday in hospital which was nice. I have so much support and I am not moving forwards and I am just wasting everyone elses time with my shit that I keep getting wrong.

What happened when you present at A&E? I am astounded that they can send you home in that state Surely they must do something soon, did the crisis team get involved or is it just the home treatment team?

You are not alone and you are not "failing at being mentally unwell". You need the support, please don't feel guilty or thinking you are wasting their time. That is what they are there for.

I am so so sorry you are going through this, I wish there was something I could say. I have been in that place of crisis myself and it is hideous. I have come out the other side and wish you would start to see some light at the end of the tunnel too.

If I have a cut they stitch it, overdose I was in on IV fluids for 24 hours. The home team is staffed by the crisis team so that is why I don't see anyone at hospital. Although my key nurse from the crisis/home team did visit me on the ward yesterday morning.

I am normally calm in A&E because I just switch off.

Hope you're ok fluffy

Thanks. Still finding it hard and worrying a lot about self harm, feel stuck. Crisis team are being brilliant and feel very supported. Still feel pretty grim following the overdose.