I'm not coping

[berniegroves]

Hi,
I had my first baby 5 months ago, she is wonderful and i believe very well behaved for a baby. But i am just not coping. I haven't enjoyed anything since she was born and find it impossible to look forward to anything.
I hate taking her out as i am always so anxious that she will start crying and i won't be able to comfort her and then we'll both end up in a state. I look at other mums who are sat around relaxing in coffee shops or strolling through the shops and i don't know how they do it. I go into a shop and race around as quickly as possible so i can get out again.
I have been going to a few baby groups but i don't get anything out of them and spend hours before each one stressing that i need DD to take a nap and feed and then we need to get to the group by a certain time etc and then i need to get through the group without her kicking off etc.

i love my baby girl but sometimes i regret having her as i feel like i have lost myself and i don't have any kind of life now. Monday to Friday it is just me and her and i don't have any time for me from the time i get up to the time i go to bed. I feel so sad all the time and so very lonely.
DH trys to help but he works full-time and so is not around much in the week.
I feel like our relationhsip has dissapeared as we barely see each other in the week and don't get any decent time together at the weekend. So i feel like we have drifted apart.

I feel so guilty as my husband deserves a better, happier wife to come home to.
And i feel terribly guilty as my daughter deserves a better Mum, she didn't ask to be born, it was our choice and now she is stuck with me forever. I don't want her to be unhappy or to feel unloved, but i don't know how to be good at this.
People keep telling me i am doing a good job but i don't see how that is true as i am so miserable all the time. I feel like i am clinging onto the edge of a cliff and everytime i manage to claw my way back up something knocks me back over the edge.

I am just so overwhelmed and feel so ashamed for feeling this way as all i can see around me are women thriving as mothers and i am failing. I feel so bad for my little girl as she deserves better.

It sounds distinctly like you may have Post Natal Depression. Your feelings of shame and failure and lack of enjoyment certainly point in this direction and 5 months is a bit of a prime time for it to happen anyway.

this is the most used PND questionnaire. You could do it for yourself and answer honestly. Any score over 10 is suspect.

But whatever the score is you could do worse than contact your doctor or health visitor, whichever you trust more, for further advice.

I dare say from what you write that you feel like this because you are not well rather than because you really are a bad mother and wife.

Hi berniegroves you poor thing. You are being terribly hard on yourself. As madmouse says it sounds like you might have some degree of post-natal depression.

And I can guarantee that some of those mothers who are in coffee shops chatting are struggling just as much as you are and probably thinking the same things as you 'everyone else seems so happy and to be coping so well'. People just don't talk about it. People put on a front and in public act as if everything is ok.

Your little girl certainly does deserve you as a mum and your DH does deserve you too, of course he does. It is a huge, huge change in your lives having a new baby and it takes time to adjust to the change and it's not all sweetness and happy days, there are many ups and downs. It is hard work. It will get better. I can guarantee. I've been there. I would recommend a chat with your health visitor or doctor, just to let them know how you feel. The health visitors in my area ran a 'transition to motherhood' course which I attended and it was absolutely fantastic. I met other people in the same position as me and we're still all in contact (2 years later).

Hi bernie first of all a big like everyone has said, don't be too hard on yourself, it is really hard having a baby and while I know you describe feeling like you are drowning, it doesn't sound like your LO is suffering at all - in fact it sounds like she is wonderfully loved.

Please also don't believe that everyone else is coping well - I totally relate to everything you said, I had awful PND but can't even broach the subject with some of my friends because they look at me like I'm mad when I say I'm not coping and laugh because they don't believe me (and really I wasn't/am not coping in any real sense).

Don't feel guilty about anything and please ask a sympathetic HV or GP for advice. You don't have to worry that your only options are medication related - I can totally recommend CBT. I spent too much time in denial and now regret not asking for help sooner! Good luck x

Yes I agree with the others you tick a lot of the PND boxes. It's a horrible illness as it robs you of your confidence and makes you feel like a terrible mum. You're not. It is an illness and you can get better. Please get treatment. I feel 100x better since I got treatment (been on the ADs a month now). I feel like my old self and am actually enjoying my baby and 4yo. Before I could barely cope with even simple tasks, let alone contemplate taking them out anywhere. Trust me, you will get better, but you can get better more quickly by seeking help.