Just thought I'd give y'all the benefit of my stupidity...

[ManicPanic]

It turns out, if you take copious amounts of certain OTC painkillers that contain ibruprofen, they make you very very ill. They give you sensitive skin, yellow eyes, make you throw up, give you blood blisters, an inflamed / irritated liver (damaged, obv), kidney pain (same) and generally you realise what a douche you were to think that popping umpteen codeine and ibruprofen tablets was ever a good idea. It is not, my friends, most definitely not.

I have told dh and he has been lovely, not thrown me out on the street and screamed at me (as I was convinced he would).

So off I slope tomorrow to the docs, looking very shifty and shamefaced. I'm going to maintain that I may have taken more than the stated recommended dose 'by accident' and ignore the raised eyebrows and uncomfortable silence. Then I'll get myself checked for liver and kidney damage. I may sob quietly.

Don't want anyone to worry, I took the last of them days ago and I've monitored myself carefully since initially falling ill (which, amazingly, took me quite by surprise!) So looks like I am invincible here to stay.

Oh Manic - sending you a big hug xx

I had no idea that you were struggling again. Glad your dh is supportive.

Please take care of yourself and talk to us if it helps x

Thanks madmouse. You should change your name to sage and wise mouse.

I'm such a twat. I find it so hard to say 'er... help!' I am the cheeriest and wittiest suicidal depressed person you could meet - but it's all front and then I cry in the loos and shuffle off home.

I made really innappropriate jokes with the doctor, who just looked really, really serious. Part of me was convinced he'd chuckle at me and tell me I'd be fine and just send me off home.

3 vials of blood taken. Phone number for local addiction services - and although I wonder at the wisdom of sending an ex-heroin addict in the direction of lots of other, currently using, heroin addicts, I see where he is coming from. I am mortified with myself to be honest.

Dh is lovely. He waited in the waiting room for a bit with me, then sloped off to eat a greggs sausage roll in the car . He kept thinking, if I see an ambulance and men in white coats and manicpanic being led off in a strait jacket, I'll punch their lights out and we'll make a run for it! In all fairness, we did watch the film 12 Monkeys last night...

No way the minute I stop being madmouse I'm going to give in and jump off something high!!

Your humour is a powerful survival tool and really great and useful most of the time.

Occassionally dropping it and letting select people see the real pain is a good thing too though.

You know I have a lot of time for you. You can always PM me.

There is a reason Cantopher's book on depression was called "The Curse of the Strong". You sound like a good example, and a lovely person for everybody else - just, as MM says, remember to reach out too. I spent a long time thinking my role in my relationships was to be achieving and positive and confident, blah blah. When I finally had to admit I was more human and ask for help, my best friendships became deeper because - I think - they became more equal.
Glad you have such a lovely sounding DH.
Take good care.

How's things Manic?

Still feel quite weak and weedy, not surprisingly. I'm a bit apprehensive about waiting for my blood results on Monday. Been in the garden and have done some therapeutic planting

Dh is taking really good care of me. I have demanded a tea tray and a little silver bell to summon him, but he must not have heard me

scarecrow that is definitely what I do - I keep people at arms length, if they get too close to me I find it uncomfortable, and I find it very easy to help others with their emotions, while being completely unable to deal with my own or share them with anyone. The fact that I have started to open up to dh is, for me, a really big step forward.

Thanks guys.