Anxiety

[Midge25]

I feel like I'm going mad. Have been here before, but every time it appears I never see it coming. Am so angry with myself, I feel weak and I must drive everyone mad with how self absorbed I am. Am crippled with anxiety. Specifically, replaying conversations I've had/text messages/emails etc and wondering if I've upset others, or offended them. If someone doesn't answer the phone, it's because they hate me. If they don't text me back, it's because they hate me. I feel totally worthless and like a droning, annoying burden on others. I'm so wrapped up in it all that I can't focus on anything else. I'm drinking more than I should, to help me sleep and cope with the mental chewing over of social interactions that I've had earlier. It sounds so pathetic I'm embarrassed to type this. I have literally forced myself, all day, not to ring a friend to find out if I've upset her: because I know it's a vicious circle - I'll then worry about that call and whether I annoyed her - and also because I'm too scared to expose others to what goes on in my head. I think people would think I'm a total freak. Have a GP appt on Tues; history of depression and anxiety, and came off ADs last year as planning to TTC later in 2012. Met up with old friend this weekend and felt so alone. Cried in pub and I think she was horrified. The only explanation I have for this is that DMum has suffered from severe depression since I was a child. I always felt v responsible for managing her mood. Am so tired of myself. Sorry. Not sure what I want, except to get it out.

You poor thing, I really feel for you. Growing up feeling you are responsible for your mum's mood has obviously had a big impact on you. It seems like it has made you hyper-sensitive to other people's moods and you feel that you have to please everyone all the time, at the expense of your own happiness.

I am slowly learning in life that you cannot control other people's feelings, all you can control is yourself. Hard as it may be, you have to learn to live with yourself, build your own self esteem. Instead of always thinking "what must they think of me?" try turning it round and say "what do I think of them?" We cannot be responsible for making other people happy. We can just be ourselves, and learn to be more accepting and compassionate towards ourselves.

It sounds like CBT could really help you. This is where you look at faulty thought patterns such as "I should be....." "I always....." "I never......." and you identify areas where you use negative self-talk. This could be very subtle and you may not even be aware you are doing it, but you may be very critical towards yourself and say things like "oh you're such an idiot" or "that was a stupid thing to do" in your head. These kinds of negative thoughts can have a big impact on our mood. CBT is about challenging these negative thoughts and instead replacing them with a kinder, more positive thought.

You can take AD's while pregnant. I am usually on citalopram but changed to prozac while having the dc's.

Stop drinking, it exasperates the anxiety and causes depression on it's own. I think everyone gets the post booze "terrors" regardless of their normal mental state.

Have you tried CBT? That may alter the anxiety patterns.I have to say though that the only thing that helps me is AD's.

Thank you so much for your replies. Getdown - cried reading your post-tis so true. I have had some counselling before, a few years ago, which I think was cbt-related. At the time, I gave the therapist such an outpouring of me and all my crazy stuff, that I think I couldn't absorb what she was trying to help me develop, iykwim. Prob is that I spend so much time managing myself and what others think, that the truth as I've written it above comes as a shock for others, who think I'm outgoing and confident. I may ask GP about it, though. Feel very exhausted and very superficial. Should be focusing on real issues rather than this bullshit. I think I am a horrible and extreme selfish person,tbh.

Midge, don't be so hard on yourself, you are not a horrible and selfish person. Anxiety is an awful thing, I often wonder what it must be like to NOT worry about every single thing (usually at about 3am!!). Be kind to yourself until Tuesday, and go to the GP with a clear head, write down everything you need to ask or talk about so you don't forget or get flustered in the surgery.

Billy Re ADs, I have had 4-5 courses over last 10 years and now am pondering whether they might be something I need to consider over the longer term - have tried to treat them as short term, and on 2 occasions have come off due to pregnancy with dd and most recently, due to TTC.

Was on Citalopram most recently so it's good to know that might be an option

Thank you again all for replying.

"Should be focusing on real issues rather than this bullshit. I think I am a horrible and extreme selfish person,tbh."

Exactly the kind of negative self talk you need to stop. Honestly, would you ever dream of talking to a friend the way you talk to yourself?! You would never be so harsh or horrible to anyone else, why do it to yourself. You honestly are not a selfish and horrible person. You've got some genuine anxiety issues which, with help, can be addressed.

It's taken me a long time to realise that it's not just my physical health I need to look after and take responsiblity for. We also need to look after our mental health. And that means identifying areas where we beat ourselves up mentally and look to address them. ADs get us on an even keel, but longer term we need to look at the underlying causes for our depression and anxiety. I'm talking to myself as well as you, as I know I am just as guilty, but beginning to realise I must begin to change the way I think.

Just an update. Had a pretty bad night last night; rang GP this morn and managed to bring apt forward to today. GP has immediately restarted the Citalopram and do feel a sense of relief. Was in such a state in surgery that we didn't get on to talking about counselling - plan to go back and explore that, as I agree the roots, and all the negative thoughts, need looking at too. GP does seem to think its simply chemical with strong genetic component too. Thanks again for your kind words, all.

I've realised I can't cope without the chemical assistance of AD's. I have tried and tried and I end up in a right mess.It seems my mind just doesn't work how it should do and I need to have help.

Good luck Midge