Adult Attachment Disorder

[WorldOfMeh]

Hello people:

Am hoping that someone might have some knowledge of this. I was seeing a counsellor some time back, and he suggested that I might have it. Unfortunately, I have been unable to find much out about it as obviously it is something associated more with children. Presumably children with it grow up- but what happens then?

I am concerned that (if he was right) it might affect my parenting. I certainly have had issues in the past, and my childhood wasn't the best. Feeling a bit low at the moment, and am tired of feeling this way, but more than that I need to do what I can so I don't harm my child.

Anyone encountered or suffered from this themselves? How does it manifest in adults, and are there any strategies for dealing with it? Thanks in advance. :)

Hi sorry it's taken me a bit of time to respond, but had to get my head back round it.

The reason why so little is written about the adult version is because it doesn't start in adulthood, it always or almost always starts in the first 2 years of life, and if it goes wrong there and is not corrected the problem remains.

Basically in a normal situation an infant bonds securely with a caregiver, usually a parent, or both parents, but it can be anyone who looks after the child. Once this bond is successfully created, the child is then able to go on creating relationships in later life, knowing that I am me, you are you, we are individuals, but we're good together.

If it doesn't go right, this will lead to difficulties throughout life in forming relationships. My bonding with my mother did not happen properly because my sister was stillborn at home when I was 2 and my mum reacted in a really strange way (obsessed with conceiving again secretly, hiding it from everyone as another pregnancy would be dangerous) and my dad worked long days so I mostly saw him half an hour before bed and on Sunday. It's a bit hard to untangle what's what because I was also severely abused later (not by family, but for a sustained period), but we'd been married for about 10 years before I more or less accepted that my dh was not about to leave me. There's a sense of always needing to work hard to make the other person want to stay with me. A lack of security - no personal, strong foundation to operate from. Sense of self depending on how others see me. Now all largely remedied with therapy and life is a lot better.

I was very scared that I would not bond with ds, because of my own history and because I had PTSD from when he was less than a year old until recently (he's 4). But it seems to have gone without a hitch, he has securely bonded to me and to dh and builds up other relationships secure in the knowledge that he is loved and safe.

Now that's a total essay that may or may not contain anything useful. Feel free to ask questions.

attachment disorder does indeed have its cause in childhood, like madmouse said. And it may affect your parenting as well. That said, attachment style can change in a lifespan, and insight is a prerequisite. That is probably why madmouse's children are securely attached, and your children may be as well, as you're open and willing to consider any adverse effects.

The attachment that you had to your parents will have provided you with a belief of how worthy of love you are and how other people ( your parents when you were young, your partner in adult life) can be trusted to fulfil your needs and support you. This affects your behaviour in close relationships, i.e. with your partner and with your children. Understanding this may help you to see the relationship you had with your parents as separate from your other relaionships, and then you may be able to change behaviour patterns that originate in your insecure attachment, and give your children a secure attachment.

Therapy will probably be a great help with this.

Thank you both for responding... will try to write quickly as baby will wake up shortly.

madmouse - I am so sorry about the abuse you suffered. Not sure what to say, really- I've been lucky in that nothing as awful as that ever happened to me.

Interestingly, my therapist reckoned some of the cause of my possible attachment issues were because my Mum had miscarried twins before my sis and I came along, in very traumatic and near fatal circumstances. She was unable to be involved with us much at all, and I remember spending a lot of time bored and alone as a baby. She never hugged us or picked us up unless she had to. I think she was seriously traumatised, so can't really blame her for it. She wasn't properly supported. Sadly, Dad was mentally ill and saw us as a source of pain and bother for our Mum, who he was very emotionally dependent upon. Hey, ho.

Anyway, I know pretty much that the death of my older sisters is the cause of a lot of it: one example - my Mum used to cry at neighbour's houses about how awful we were and how much better/nicer the twins would have been if they had lived. Had to hear this from the neighbour's kids. Nice. :) I asked her about it, and she was kind enough to elaborate on the theme for me. (She won't remember this now, she has a very selective memory. We do get on very well now, though, as she had therapy when I was in my late teens.)

As a kid I would randomly fall in love with strangers and teachers and sometimes try to go home with them. I had a series of very bad relationships - violent, controlling, drug/alcohol addicted types, basically. I couldn't even say the word 'love' until I was nearly 30, and it still makes me feel weird. I either go off the deep end with people and get very dependent on them, or keep an emotional distance- I've been described as being like a 'cat' in those circumstances. I feel safer if I don't feel anything.

Anyway, therapy now just feels like raking over things now: have had a certain amount of counselling/CBT which was helpful, but I think I may have a tendency to overanalyse and dwell too much on the past as it is.

It's very comforting to think that my daughter can attach properly. (Thanks again, madmouse.) I get scared because there are times when I am particularly tired when I feel I am ignoring her in the way I was, or that I am not properly connecting with her although I go through the motions as much as I can.

Sorry, I know this has been a ramble. Probably self pitying, too as am a bit down just now. Generally try not to be, though as again, wallowing doesn't help. Anyway, best sign off as I hear babystirrings...

Thanks again. :)

Thanks again :)

Oops! Not sure how I put that in twice..! (Thanking you again and again)