Ok, what is going on here...

[doineedhelp]

I'll try and be as succinct as possible but need some perspective on how I am feeling / coping...
I would say that I've always been an angry, glass half empty kind of a person, low self esteem, negative view of most things / people, feel let down by most people I encounter in life, however, given all this I would say that I'm actually a happy person (I know that doesn't make sense really...)

This last 12 months or so however, things have changed... A long friendship ended (much to my shock), I've had a baby who was very much wanted but he has since been diagnosed with a heart problem and has quite serious physical development delays (which I'm sick of putting a brave face on about) then my mum suddenly passed away which was devastating, I'm back at work full time, juggling lots with no family support around, so as well as being physically tired as baby not great at sleeping, I also feel emotionally exhausted with everything that has happened.

All of this is manifesting itself as extreme anger and resentment at lots of things (I am also a self confessed control freak so don't cope great when things don't go my way) I am angry at everyone else that has a normal baby, or still has their mum, things that I know are completely irrational but I can't help myself. I find myself getting upset a lot and crying lots, I'm also pushing my husband and picking fights when he is wonderful really...

I'm on the waiting list for cbt, my husband insists I have depression but I'm not convinced / don't want to go gp for tablets etc (control freak again!) I think I'm just under a lot of stress but don't know how to cope, I've always just coped with everything but my anger at the slightest thing at the moment is debilitating

Any outside perspective would be great, maybe from others that have been through similar?

I can sympathise with lots. My ds did really scary things after birth and at 5 days old was diagnosed with brain damage. He has done better than expected but has one-sided cerebral palsy meaning that at age 4 he cannot yet walk unaided and only uses one arm. He also has a speech delay. And is generally delayed because he has difficulty accessing learning. He's very bright and an amazing little boy. Wouldn't have him any other way, but seeing a 1 year old walk is so not fun. Read this and know you are not alone.

I lost my mum many years ago, but my darling MIL died when ds was 18 months. I had post traumatic stress, dh broke down with depression worse than he ever had before. Sometimes life throws shit at you.

Patience with yourself is one thing you need. How you feel is normal. Anger can be a sign of depression, but it is also a normal stage of grief. While you wait for CBT maybe contact Cruse Bereavement Care to see if some bereavement counselling would help.

And as far as tablets and control freaks - what if tablets help you take control back?

It honestly does sound like depression. You've had such a lot to deal with, and you just can't keep up. Then every little thing just feels like too much. It can also make you feel physically drained and lethargic. I used to get angry at everything, I was throwing things at dh. I can really empathise with how you feel.

I didn't much like the idea of anti depressants, but someone told me about the chemical imbalance theory, and that tablets give you a kick start to regain that balance. For me they really were a life saver, it gave me the strength to start coping with everything again. I was only on them for 6 months, and I felt so much better after that. Other people need longer - my mum needs them constantly. She has recently doubled her dose, as she suddenly has had a lot to deal with and she can't cope any more.

If you talk to your GP, ime they usually give a questionnaire, asking about how you are feeling, and depending on your answers, they could offer you some help. If you have a look at this one here its american, but it gives you an idea of the symptoms of depression. It isn't just about feeling sad all the time.

Are there any support groups locally that can help you with your son? It can be very hard when everyone else seems to have a normal baby and very isolating. It really helped me to mingle with others that were in the same situation, not to feel alone in it. We didn't necessarily talk lots about the issues, but jsut to socialise with others who don't have 'perfect' children

Thanks for the replies...

madmouse i'm sorry to hear about your son, i will have a look at the link, thanks. What you say about seeing a 1year old is exactly the same for me, i feel sick to my stomach, the only difference is i would give anything to change my DS and for him to be like those babies i see even though i know i can't (maybe that makes me a bad mum?)

chopstheduck thank you for the link on depression, i'll have a go and see what happens.

If i'm being 100% honest then i don't want anti Ds, i don't want to even think that i might be depressed. I guess i don't understand the whole chemical imbalance thing, what makes it imbalance and why is it now for me etc - guess i'll have to do some digging.

Its nice to get another's perspective on it all, there's no one in RL i can talk to about this except my husband and i think he's fed up with it.

Thanks again