Feeling trapped and nowhere to turn

[wallowinginselfpity]

I've namechanged for this as I don't want to risk outing myself as there may be a few bits of info that RL people could recognise.

Bit of background - DS(3). He is lovely although very high octane. This isn't just me that thinks this, even strangers always comment on the massive amounts of energy he has. He isn't naughty but I am constantly on the go with him at the weekends and often feel I am wearing his name out as I am hollering for him whilst chasing him here there and everywhere. The main difficulty I have with him is this constant dashing off/ not listening to me. I love him to bits but this is seriously wearing me down at the moment. I know it's my fault that he runs off/ doesn't listen etc and, overall, I feel that it is more luck that he is generally lovely rather than anything to do with me. I am a rubbish mother to him and he deserves so much more than I can offer him. I am not there enough for him because of my job (see below) so any problems I do have with him are my fault. He is in nursery full time. I never wanted this to happen but circumstances etc have meant that there has been no choice.

I work F/T - I am a qualified professional coming up to 10 years PQE. Trouble is, I don't just feel fraudulent at my job but I am truly shite at it. I have no drive for it anymore and this more than shows. I work for a lovely firm but I find I am often out my depth with the work and I know that I am more than testing my firm's patience with my failure to meet targets/ perform satisfactorily. I am definitely a square peg rammed into a round hole. I've hated this profession for a very long time and dream of being able to escape from it. DH and I have talked about me going P/T and working school hours only when DS starts school but (a) I don't think this will be agreed by my work (b) I will still hate what I do! I have looked around for other jobs in the same field closer to home and on a P/T but of course with the economy as it is, employers aren't exactly leaping out of the woodwork. I would love to be able to seriously explore a radical change in career but re-training/ trying to find a job in new sector both present serious challenges.

2 1/2 years ago DH and I separated. After a lot of soul searching we decided to give things another try. My mum had been living with me to try and give me some support during the separation. She moved out in early November. DH has still not moved back in. It always seems to be the case that something crops ups/ circumstances/ timing is not right etc which means he isn't able to move back in. We've recently committed quite a lot financially to carrying out much needed improvements to the family home but I'm now questionning whether he really wants to move back in and if it is all headed for disaster anyway given that I am so emotionally volatile anyway and he is quite self-contained emotionally so it is often hard to know what he is thinking/ feeling. The other side effect of this is that I am still effectively responsible for 95% of DS's care (outside of nursery hours that is!), managing the house etc. and I still feel like pretty much a single parent which shouldn't be the case.

I suffered from a period of depression just over two years ago (brought on by redundancy from previous job and separation from DH happening at the same time) and was on A/D's and had counselling. I benefitted from both but feel with hingsight that I perhaps was too quick to come off the A/D's etc. DH's father is severely depressed (was sectionned for much of last year) and has been for many years and DH struggles to readily understand how someone cannot deal with depression so I find it really hard to talk about how I feel with him in case he thinks I am simply being over dramatic. I truly don't think he realises the impact that this is all having on me and how difficult it is for me to focus on any one thing and do it well rather than fumbling around and bumbling through life.

I thought since we had made the decision to try again and that DH would move back in that life would return to some sort of normality but the upshot is that I feel totally trapped with my work and I feel as if I am floundering with a home life in limbo and a beautiful DS that I am struggling to deal with because I am pulled in so many different directions. I am doing a dreadful job of being a mother and of my actual job.

The way I feel at the moment is that if a bus came along and hit me I would be doing myself and everyone else a favour. Before anyone worries, I truly don't think that I would do anything that drastic and I have got an appointment at the Dr to talk about it trying A/D's again.

At the end of the day though, something has to change but I don't know how I can do that. I can't spend all my time in tears or on the verge of tears which is how I've spent the day at work rather than actually achieving anything. I am very close to just handing in my notice today and doing everyone a favour by leaving before they boot me out.

Sorry this is so epic, I just needed to write it down somewhere. I don't feel that I can talk to anyone in RL about this as, to all intents and purposes it looks as if things are on the up again for me and mine aren't that significant in the grand scheme of things.

I have never before given a virtual on mumsnet but I'm going to give one to you > because it sounds like you have nobody there for you at the moment.

You sound very drained and low and I think you're low mood is making you feel like a 'bad' mother and employee when in fact the truth is completely different. If your H was around things might be slightly easier for you, at least you would have an extra pair of hands when caring for your ds. Clearly you have some relationship issues to sort out and perhaps you might benefit from couples counselling? If you are based in North London I could recommend an excellent couples counsellor I used a few years ago who I think is still practicing.

If AD's have helped you in the past then I think you are doing the right thing by going to see your GP about reinstating them. It sounds like you might benefit from the perspective that ADs can give you. They should elevate you slightly and hopefully change the way you are currrently viewing yourself as a mother and a professional person.

In the meantime, take it easy. Don't put yourself and your ds in any stressful situations ie where he may dash off. Try and think of some activities that are fun but contained. Don't feel guilty if you end up in front of the TV with ds instead of getting out and about. You need to prioritise your health and mood here and if that means a bit less activity on weekends for a while then so be it. You will get back on track soon enough. I hope your H is at least helping out with your ds on weekends?

Thank you Scott. I do feel very lonely tbh and washed out. It's been such an up and down ride over the past three years or so I just don't feel I can talk to anyone about my latest set of woes. I feel like I should be keeping a smile plastered on my face as there are, to the outside world, lots of positives happening.

Weekends are a problem - DH wasn't around at all this weekend because he was ill. There are often reasons like this or work or something else so I don't actually get that much help at the weekends. Even on the days he is around at the weekend, he often leaves before dinner/ bed/ bath time so I am always dealing with that as well. I don't think he really gets that there are times when I am ill but I don't have the choice to opt out of looking after DS whereas DH can just choose to stay away. I can understand he's worried about passing bugs on but at the end of the day he would have no choice if he was living under the same roof.

Re, the job, honestly I am just genuinely rubbish at it whichever way you look at it!

It's difficult with DS as he has so much energy to burn that I find it difficult for him to burn off enough in a day if we spend it at home. I guess I also get that classic guilt if we were to just veg out at home as I don't spend quality time with him during the week I feel we should be out doing stuff for his benefit at the weekend.

I would still contend that you aren't actually rubbish at your job. Have you been given that feedback from your employer? I have had thyroid probs for about a year and I know when my levels are out of control because I will fall into a period of depression and the most crippling self-doubt. This makes work very tough. I will have days of feeling fraudulent and believing that all of my colleagues think I am dead wood. Then when I am balanced I feel confident again.

Could you speak to your employer about how you are feeling? Would that be a show stopper?

Your H really needs to step up to the plate he is letting you down. Irrespective of the current state of your relationship he still has a responsibility to you and your son. You need to have that conversation with him, the one where he commits to moving back or not. At the moment you are in limbo and that lack of structure and certainty is not good for you.

As for your high octane ds. My ds is 10 now and he has slowed down ... ever so slightly. I agree a good run out is required for boys. Do you have a park near to you with a large open grassy area that ds could run around in fairly safely without you having to chase him? Somewhere that you could put some distance between you without losing sight of him or him coming a cropper?

A couple of hours tearing around a big field with a ball or some bubbles will be good for your ds but maybe not for you if you are not physically up to it. If you are drained then don't forget that time spent snuggling together in front of Thomas the Tank engine or doing a jigsaws is also quality time.