iv come back here :(

[snailz]

hi all, i came here before when i was pregnant with my second child, i was diagnosed with pre-natal depression. briefly about myself, i have 2 children, my eldest has autism, she is quite low functioning. it took me a while to deal with this fact, however i dealt with it and moved on, this was early in 2010 and ever since iv only looked forward with positive thoughts. Then when i was pregnant with dd2, towards the end of my pregnancy i suffered from depression out of nowhere, i was put on antidepressants in october 2011, when my daughter was born in december i felt so much better that me and my gp decided to wean me off them. all has been well since december, until 2 weeks ago...

My best friend who i have known for 15 years died suddenly from cancer 2 weeks back, we were very close, she lived on my street and we spoke everyday, we found out she had cancer a year ago but they gave her around 5yrs. she took ill over christmas with Pneumonia and i couldnt be there for her, i was in and out of hospital with pregnancy related problems and then of course i had my baby and that was all time consuming. i thought she would get better, whenever we spoke she told me she was ok and was feeling much better, that i shouldnt worry, i should just concentrate on the birth and looking after my baby.

She invited me to a party she was planning on the 3rd feb, i was looking forward to seeing her again. sadly on feb 22nd she went back into hospital and into a hospice on the 25th, i went to see her and she was so frail and drugged up, i told her how much i loved her, she died the next day.

Iv been in a mess ever since, i feel like i cant breathe, im having nightmares and feel so guilty that her last 2 months i wasnt there for her. these feelings have also triggered unbelievable amounts of worry regarding my autistic daughter, im worried that if i was to die early she would not understand why her mum has left her, who would love her and make her feel special as much as i do? even if i died in my 50's, 60's etc, she would still be on her own, i cant get my head around this??

should i go back on my antidepressants to deal with the hurt and anxiety over my daughter? any advice is much appreciated, thankyou

I'm sorry you've had a rough time. I think it might be a good idea for you to see your GP, as soon as you can. You can discuss with them the pros/cons of resuming your anti-depressant.

My feeling is that if you're depressed, take the medicine that could help.

Good luck.

Fear about what will happen when you can't cope/look after a child with autism/LD is perfectly normal.

I'll try and find some links.

Thankyou, it feels different this time, not like im depressed, just so sad and anxious about my daughters future. i hate that taking pill will lift my mood, but when i dont take the pill ill be sad again. maybe i should go back, my gp might be able to offer some advice regarding coping methods. last time i did feel depressed, this time im just low because i lost my friend. but how low is too low?? where do you draw the line between whats healthy for grieving or whats considered bordering on depression?

Grief can (and often does) trigger depression, IME.

You've had a dreadful time, maybe some counselling (as well as or instead of AD's...) might help?

Be kind to yourself.

I think counselling is really the way to go, that is a fuck of a lot of stuff to try and process on your own. Very sorry about your friend.

it is a lot to deal with.
bereavement counselling would really help i think. see i you can find a counsellor who will also move onto talking about having a disabled child. it is a kind of berevement too (loss of child you thought you would have)

you were a good friend to you friend. dont forget that.

thankyou so much for your kind words and advice, im going to see my gp next week to talk about the best way to deal with this before i get myself all worked up again, thanks again xx