Wanting to run away

[minicc]

Evening all,
Not really sure why I'm posting as I already know all the rational responses and answers but feel as though it's all getting on top of me. Am currently being assessed by mental well being practitioner for mild anxiety and depression (had a phone interview on Monday and now have to wait 2 weeks till they decide what kind of treatment would be best). Had some a birth counselling session last week too after a pretty traumatic time. This really helped to ease some od my worries about 17 week old dd. Along with a bit of sunshine I really felt like I had turned a corner and felt a little more able to face the more difficult bits of being a ftm. However, dd woke at 11 ( depsite being able to sleep through from 6wks) to what feels like ruin my nights sleep and make the hr of cluster feeding we do EVERYNIGHT in a dark quiet room pointless. I ended up screaming back at her and dumping her in bed with dh swearing at her and escaping to the spare room. She of course continued to scream so now I'm feeding a pissed off, slightly hungry, just wants a suck and a cuddle baby whilst dh is in the spare room no doubt disgusted with my behaviour. As am I. Why does it feel like she's out to ruin my sleep, social life, well being, marriage........I know she's not but it feel like I'm never going to get a break or have any kind of normality back in my life. I know pnd does funny things to you but it doesn't make the feelings of total dispare any easier. Bit ranty but I just need reassurance this isn't going to be like this forever. Thanks in advance

Good Morning,
You sound as though you have had a tough time lately. Caring for a new baby is hard enough, without the added complication of depression as well.
The depression will be making you see everything through very negative glasses with the added commentary, making you feel anxious and crap about yourself.
Hang on to the sunshine bits in your life, you're actually doing really well, in that you can recognise that it is the depression, making you feel that way about the your baby.
Bringing up a baby takes over our lives, it does get easier though. At the moment she is very dependent on you both for her care, which can feel quite suffocating and you could feel, as though you are losing who you are.

Make sure you get the help you need through your mental wellbeing team and there is nothing wrong with a good rant on here to help you cope in RL.

It's not going to be forever, the good days will soon out way the bad and before you know it, your baby is all grown up. ( says the mother of 3 teenagers and it just seems like yesterday, when I had my 1st baby daughter )

Look after yourself. x

You sound overwhelmed. It's good that you are getting some help.

One thing babies and small children do all the time is change. Sleeping through from 6 weeks I'm sorry to say was never going to last. There will be all sorts of reasons why over the next 5 years or so your child will not always sleep through. And at 17 weeks she will have very legitimate needs for waking up from having a growth spurt and needing extra feeds to feeling cold or scared and needing cuddles. It's not something you can control with cluster feeding in a dark room. Baby is in charge of feeding. And that can be the hard bit, you feel everything is out of your control. I hope the support you are going to get will help you let go of some of that control and go with the flow a bit more.

Have you been really open with the person assessing you? Are you confident that your problems are indeed mild? If not maybe ring back and ask to talk some more about what is going on.

I'm not judging you for screaming at her, you were stressed and overwhelmed. Just realise that next time you feel like that it is better for you and for baby to walk out of the room (she is perfectly safe in her cot and a bit of crying won't kill her) and go into the kitchen or garden to take some deep breaths to calm down before dealing with the situation.

You've done well expressing your feelings on here. Someone said to me parenthood is a tough but amazing journey and I think it's true. We didn't have an easy start as ds did some very scary things at birth and he is physically disabled, and I had major issues with post traumatic stress but we got through and he is an amazing 4 year old, can't believe he is mine.

Hang in there.

Thank you very much for your sensitive and reassuring replies. I've since had another chat with the well being practitioner and they are fast tracking my treatment. I just have to realise that we are going to have good days and bad days and I have to try and take them as they come a little more. My husband has been fantastic since that night and is helping me during the night so I don't feel quite as lonely and desperate. Once again, thank you for replying xxx