Too scared to take my baby out

[Diamondgirls]

I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so unhappy with my whole life and I don't know why. Ive got a beautiful 6 month old baby girl and I live with my wonderful boyfriend who I love and yet I'm not happy. I found it really difficult to bond with my baby but think I'm finally there. But I have this masssive issue about taking her out on my own or anywhere new. The only place I am 100% confident taking her is to the baby clinic which is about 5 min walk from my house. The thought of taking her anywhere else especially on a bus, stresses me out. I feel so embarrassed saying this but I've only ever taken her out by myself once and even then I started crying and had to get my mum to come and pick us up because I couldn't cope. I'm also strangely protective of her and won't even let anyone take her for a walk. Not even my boyfriend (her dad) even though I need and want the break from her. I hate the fact that i have to let other people hold her. I live away from my family so my parents don't knowabout my fear of taking het out although they have realised now that I'm visiting them for a week and want me to see a doctor. I think this is a bit extreme. But maybe I should? What do you think? I know this isn't normal but surely I don't need to see a doctor?

That all sounds so familiar. I wouldn't take my baby anywhere on my own. On the rare occasions that i did go out I had to have my mum or a friend with me. And in the whole 9 months she's been here I've only ever taken her to clinic once.
Still now I don't particularly go out that much but it's a lot easier now than it was say 6 months ago.
I've only recently started going to a baby group which DD loves so I'm aiming to make sure I go every week rather than missing every other one.

I would say, as it's obviously something you're worried about, and your family have noticed too, then it would definitely be worth calling and making an appointment with your GP. It won't be anything they've not heard before. And anxiety is a horrible thing to live with.
Don't carry on suffering with this alone because there is plenty of help out there, you just need to reach out for it.

Thank you so much for replying. Can I ask why you didn't like taking your baby out? Was it for the same reason? I feel so stupid because she's my baby and it's not like I dont know how to look after her! I also go to the weekly baby group, but only because it's held at the same place as the clinic so I know I can go home if I need to. I miss my social life but I don't really have any friends now because I always make excuses not to go out and see them because I can't tell them the real reason why. Which
Makes me even unhappier. When I get home I'm going to make an appointment with the doctor. It's going to be hard because I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

The reason I didn't take her out on my own?? I was scared. Scared she might start screaming and I wouldn't be able to stop her. Scared that people were looking at me because I was doing it all wrong. Scared that someone would know there was something wrong with me. (I have PND) scared that I would forget how to look after her. scared that I might just leave her somewhere and not go back.
I didn't bond with her straight away. I resented her. I hated how she changed my life (I have an older DD too and never felt like this with her) I hated how she changed everything. I hated not being 'me' anymore.

As for your friends, try and make contact with them. Arrange to see them. Even just for half an hour for a cuppa and a chat. Have you got anyone in RL who you can talk to about any of this?
A few of my friends know (half) of what's going on for me, so when I say I don't want to do something/go somewhere they're ok with it. Although they do make sure they pop round now and again (which most of the time I hate cos I want to be on my own)

Also, are you still in contact with your HV? They can be a great source of support. Maybe give her a ring and tell her what's going on for you? Mine is brilliant, I honestly wouldn't be without her.

I dealt with a lot of this for too long alone. I had the support there, just wouldn't talk about most of it. Talking really does help you know x

Sorry to be un mums net but hugs to both of you. I remember being petrified of taking DD out in the pram. I was convinced I would slip on ice and let go of the pram! I was anxious for a long time about going out with her. I still like to have control of where we go and when we leave. (Holiday last year such a disaster I don't want to go this year!) my most useful coping strategy is to take pretty much everything I could possibly need when I go out. (Toys, changing bag ,snacks and drinks etc!)

Thanks wolfie
That sounds like a brilliant coping strategy but I'm rubbish and am guaranteed to forget something!
Feeling anxious about going out is awful. It was only ever with the baby though. I could take DD1 out no problem. I could go out on my own no problem. Just when it came to going anywhere with DD2 I panicked. Hence the reason I've been to baby clinic once in 9 months

Yes you do need to see the doctor, that's not an extreme thing to do at all. It looks to me like you have a touch of post natal depression, which can also manifest itself in anxiety. You need to deal with this. Your dd is fine, at this age all she needs is to be close to you, that will only change later. It's you who is missing out on a normal life.

You sound like a brilliant mother - get some help so you cna start enjoying motherhood

Bellaboo, I could have written most of that myself. I found it difficult to bond with DD too. I'm getting there but sometimes it just feels like I'm babysitting her but I've got no one to give her back to. I hated her so much when she was born. I love her now but it's not a mother/child sort of love. Well I don't think it is anyway. And I feel so guilty about that. She didn't ask to be born, she deserves to be loved properly. I wish I could. How are you dealing with yourproblems now? If you dont mind me asking? I feel like I'm going crazy because I hate staying in all day everyday.

Thanks wolfie, even if I brought everything I need, it wouldn't help. Ive tried it before but I'm just too scared she's going to cry and I won't be able to calm her down. Even though I know I can. Thanks fr replying

Madmouse, thanks for replying. I am unhappy but I don't think I'm depressed. Sometimes I think I am but then when I'm distracted I'm okay, which makes me think I'm not. Iykwim?

I'm scared about telling someone. I feel like I'm making it up.

I understand you don't feel depressed and I'm not saying you do. But PND has many guises and anxiety is one of them. So my advice remains the same.

Sorry I didn't mean to sound like I was dismissing what you said before. I just don't know alot about PND. if you knew me or saw me, you would think anything was wrong. Which is another reason I'm reluctant to see someone.

I'm jumping into this thread a bit late but agree you should talk to someone. Maybe at the baby clinic mention it to your HV? Tell her what you've said here and see what she says.

PND is a scary label so don't let that put you off mentioning it. You might just need some coping strategies and to talk to someone about how things are going?

No one will think you are crazy or an unfit mother. No one. Social services will not be notified/involved/interested. You and dr. will do some questionnaires and doctor will want to know how you feel. Together you will decide whether a dose of antidepressants will be a good idea to reduce your anxiety. You will probably be offered a place on the waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Accept the offer. Tell your dh/dp how you are feeling. And your best friend/sister/other close person. You will be amazed how soon things start to get better.

Agree with others, good idea to talk about this to someone, HV would be a good start if you have a good supportive one. Its something that, once you've talked about, it might help lesson your anxiety.

Also HV will be able to give reassurance that its quite common, IME.

No I don't mind at all.
I'm dealing with things by finally talking and opening up. I had counselling and found it helped with the things I wanted to talk about. Not the major stuff. Just the small things that didn't make me sound too crazy.

I'm currently having CBT and I see my HV often. It's only this week, nearly 8months down the line that I've been honest with her about what I've been thinking.
Knowing what I've said to my HV this week, I would say there's nothing you could say that would shock her. (I had some very good advice on here saying that exact same thing) and it's true.
No mention of having my kids taken away or being locked up etc!

I honestly think you need to tell somebody. Like madmouse says, PND shows itself in different ways.

Have you managed to ring GP for an appointment yet? How are you feeling today?

And only the people who know I have PND would realise it. People not 'in the know' so to speak would have no idea. I am good at putting on my 'I'm ok' mask.

Thanks bella for telling me that. How are you today? I hope you're feeling okay today.
I haven't yet made an appointment because I'm still at my parents house. I'm here for another 2 weeks but as soon as I get home im going to ring my hv. I've been here a week and I managed to pick my little brother up from school yesterday with my mum and DD. It's only 5 mins away but it's somewhere I'm not familiar with so I'm quite happy I managed it.
One of my friends found out I'm here and asked me to go see her in a cafe. I don't want to see her because it's just too much effort and I keep thinking about everything that could go wrong. But I miss my friends. I could ask them to come to my parents house but when they tell me about their childless lives it just depresses me.

My dad was holding DD yesterday and I just couldn't leave the room because I felt I needed to make sure she was okay. Obviously my dad would never harm her, and I know that, but I couldn't help it. It sounds so stupid.

Sorry for my ramblings. I'm just trying to admit to things. For myself.

Thank you for all your kind replies, I really appreciate it. X

Hey that's a really big step so well done. I found I could cope with the routine stuff, like taking dd1 to school/picking her up etc but anything else used to scare me to death. I couldn't even bring myself to go out for a walk. Especially not on my own. It's easier now. I have a baby group I go to which is now part of my routine so it's ok to do it () but going other places like shopping etc I have to psych myself up.

I was talking to my counsellor today about how I feel like or lost my identity since having dd2. I don't feel like me. I can't just do what I want when I want. if I'm tired during the day I can't just have a sleep.
I know what you mean about friends without children, it's the freedom they've got. If they want to go out for a drink they can without having to think about babysitters etc. Things don't have to be planned in advance.
Its so hard to get used to.

I'm glad you're gonna call your HV when you get back. Keep talking on here if you need to. There's always someone to answer

I thought I was doing okay today until about an hour ago. I just want to get away from everyone but at the same time I just want someone to give me a hug and just let me cry and moan to them. God I'm feeling so sorry for myself tonight. I know why I'm feeling like this. It's because DD was really tired, and started screaming when I had to put her down to look for a clean vest before bedtime. And I got stressed out. And angry at her. Then guilty for getting angry because it's not her fault.

I admitted to my mum earlier about how I feel when I take DD out and she said I was being stupid and I need to pull myself together because it's not fair on DD. But I need help. This is so hard.

I think it's time you accept that some help is needed. And quite possibly you should not postpone it for another two weeks. Things can only get better with some treatment. You wouldn't walk around with untreated diabetes would you.

I hope you don't mind me posting this link to an NCT information sheet on PND. Some of it may feel familiar to you.

You are being really brave talking about how you feel, I wish you the very best and hope that you get some support soon.

Please phone your hv ASAP. Don't put it off. It will get easier once you take the first step - just talking to the hv will help.

By the way you're not stupid and it is not about pulling yourself together. Your mum shouldn't say that.

Its nothing to do with feeling sorry for yourself...it's the little things (like the vest incident) that seem massive and can change our mood in an instant. We're only human. We all get angry.

Is there any way you can phone and speak to your HV before the 2 weeks is up? Maybe just for a little chat and to arrange for her to come out and see you when you get back.

And no, it's not a case of pulling yourself together (I think I need to pull myself together all the time) if it was as simple as that we'd of done it a long time ago