Where is the line between cheesed off a bit and depression?

[mawbroon]

I am wondering if I am depressed.

I suffered my first ever bout of psychosis in early December which was a big shock for me and my family. My psychiatrist warned me about post psychotic depression and to be on the lookout for suicidal thoughts and the like. I am certainly not anything like that, but I do wonder where feeling pissed off starts to become depression rather than just a bad day.

My mood goes up and down, but mostly I feel a bit down. I don't laugh much and am finding that I am not really enjoying my kids like I used to. Every little thing feels like a big effort, even having a shower or cooking dinner. I am on anti psychotic medication which knocks me out, so I have very little by way of child free time in the evenings because I have to go to bed early.

I am trying to go for a walk most days, but again it is a huge effort and seems a bit pointless unless I am actually walking somewhere to do something. I try to have some sort of appointment each day, even if it's just with a neighbour for a cup of tea, to get me out of the house. If I don't have anything to do, then I come back from the school run and sit down and nothing gets done other than the very basics. If I didn't have ds2 to look after, i would probably go back to bed tbh. DS2 is 2yo and he is the cutest chilled out wee thing every and I used to look at him and get a warm glow, but now I look at him and wish he was around age 4 when things get a bit easier - and he's not even a difficult toddler. I can't face taking him anywhere like soft play or swimming, so he just pootles around quite happliy at home.

I have just read this back and I think I do sound a bit depressed. I am very against going on to anti depressants, but I have no idea why I feel that way.

Does anybody have any words of wisdom for me?

Having a good day today, despite having to cancel plans because of a puking toddler and snow outside!

Oh good - it's great when the good days come isn't it. It makes you realise that they are still there, they are just hiding from time to time. I see my recovery as climbing a hill and last year I would often slip off the path and unable to move, and then I slipped but managed to get back on the path and now I sometimes stumble on a stone but carry on............

We all have our own ways of seeing things but I tend to think visually and so it is easier for me to see things in pictures. I guess you must be in Scotland as there is snow!

I understand exactly about climbing a hill. Except I don't like hillwalking and didn't ask to climb any damned hill!!

But I just have to get on with it

I have started my diary using a system of grading like your RGD, VGD etc. Today is only day2, so too early to look for patterns or triggers.

No I don't like hillwalking and like you wish I never had a hil to climb.....glad you have started a diary - it keeps you a bit in control of what is happening and will in time let you see a pattern. My CPN told me to keep my stress levels down, but not so easy sometimes. All the medics want to believe that there are triggers for the bad days, but I honestly haven't found any. They just seem to happen whenever. I used to get runs of bad days averaging about 7 days but only the odd one or two now, but I have been climbing for over 2years and hope to summit sometime soon!

Thinking of you. Do you have a sympathetic H or P or RL support?

I have a fair bit of RL support, but I don't like palming the kids off all the time.

Hi Mawbroom - crap day for me today .... ah well onwards and upwards. Hope to improve as having my sons and dils and gr chdrn all arriving tomorrow for the Easter weekend. Think I have been a bit anxious about this to be honest.

I think you may be being hard on yourself again (like the housework) and look upon it as being fortunate in having RL support who can care for your children, instead of thinking in terms of "palming them off". I think in general, people only actually offer to do something like this if they really mean it, and don't forget when you are through this,you will be able to help them out. That's what friends and close family are for.

Hope you're having an ok day. love NN

NN, I hope today is better for you. I started a diary when first prescribed ADs (Lofepramine as well), then stopped. I never can carry through projects like keeping a diary I've started filling mine in again, ta.

Mabroon, are you sure your support network sees it as "palming off" and not "gettting a chance to spend time with the children"? (sorry to have dissappeared for a bit... wasn't sure what to say/how to contribute so didn't say anything.)

Sorry you had a crap day NN, I hope things picked up for you. We were away last night and it was a disaster. DS1 puked all over the bed at 3am. We were sharing a bed as it was, so we ended up both under a single duvet because he was sick on the other one. Gah, nightmare. Then I had terrible dreams about rats coming up the toilet, and then I started leaking milk everywhere as I had only fed ds2 off one side at bedtime.

MissMuddyPuddles, I guess the people who I leave the kids with probably don't see it as palming them off, but that's how it feels to me.