H refuses to seek help for his depression - I can't do it all & this could split us.

[myeyesaresore]

I posted recently as my H has depression. I really feel for him with this, I have suffered myself several times.

However, I am struggling with the fact that despite his depression making him paranoid and him giving me such a hard time despite the fact I truly only go to work and do everything for my children he refuses to go to the GP to seek help.

His point is that he doens't believe a pill is the fix it and that I should support him. I am trying to support him but I do believe it is also his duty to seek help when it becomes clear that by me trying to bolster him things are not improving.

This is making things very difficult for me as I work full time and also do a lot of the care with our 2 pre-school children, despite the fact that he is, by choice, the sahp (i.e. once home I cook dinner, entertain & bath children and put them to bed plus lots of other things).

I am at the point where if he doesn't seek help I do not feel I can carry on in the relationship as I am being punished by him for his illness. He sees this as proof I don't really want to be with him but I think that if you are ill you do have a duty to seek help.

Anyone who has any thoughts or suggestions I would be very grateful.

I have suffered bouts of depression too. My DH has stood by me, but I am sure we would not have made it through the first time (15 years ago) if I had acted that way. If I had not been willing to help myself then he would have walked. We were young with no real ties back then.

Going to a GP does not have to mean medication. There are other options. Could you go with him? You are supporting him but you can't hold everything together on your own.

There was a good book I read years ago by Dorothy Rowe but I can't remember the name. It might help you to read it, had some sections on being the person caring for the sufferer.

I think it was 'depression, the way out of your prison'. It helped me to see that depression causes the sufferer to feel safe in the depression and feel scared of getting better. Which can be overcome if you realize that is what's happening.

Hi sorry to hear you suffer too but well done for helping yourself.

I have offered to go with him, to either wait outside or go in but he refuses.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will look it up.

Thank you - it's well under control thankfully and when I recognize symptoms I know what self care is needed (exercise mostly, and slowing down).

Good luck, it's hard to be in your situation. I hope he comes around - it is probably very scary for him but he needs to be brave for everyone.

I'm sorry, but you are going to have to get firm with him. You cannot fix his depression for him and you are entitled to expect him to take reasonable steps to do so. You cannot make him take pills but he cannot expect you to sort it out instead.

Supporting him doesn't mean giving him what he wants it is giving him what he needs. Even if it is a kick up the rear. You are actually doing too much for him.

You need to protect yourself. Create some space for fun and relaxation in your life, without him if needs be.

Sounds harsh probably but have lived with depressed dh for many years until he finally broke down and got the help he needed and have had bad PTSD myself and needed lots of support so not easy talking.