Should friends ever remind you of what it was like when you were at your worst?

[mummytosteven]

Genuine question - based on a few conversations that have upset me over the last six months, that I've been brooding on. I feel too close to be unbiased on this.

Mmmm, tough one. I don't like reminding myself of how I was when I was at my worst, let alone other people reminding me, so my initial reaction would be that no, they shouldn't. It would feel, for me, as if they were having a go or using my problems against me a little bit.

I guess though it depends on the circumstances - whether they have your best interests at heart and are doing it to try and stop you from sinking so low again, or whether they are doing it for other reasons. It would also, for me, depend on who was doing it - if it was my mother, for instance, I would take it worse than if it was my dh.

It also depends on whether you think the worst is behind you and you're never going back there - being reminded of the blackest times when you're trying to stay positive and feel that you're on the up is never going to be a good thing. For me the worst times are still so fresh in my mind that constant reminders of how bad I was would tend to bring me down and bring the depression back again.

Sorry, that's awfully rambling - just typed it out as it came into my head. Hope it all makes sense.

yes that makes a lot of sense! my gut reaction and reasoned reaction is similar to yours - i.e. why are they doing this? I don't think it was done to help me, but more to help them - to vent I assume. Does she expect an apology from me . One particular comment that sticks in my mind that was "I know it's not your fault, it was like an impostor was there, not really you" - I just feel that's an awful thing to say, but don't know whether that's me being unfair or not.

I suppose I think that if they feel the need to vent, then it's fairer for them to talk to someone else close rather than me.

mummytosteven, I think a true friend would concentrate on the good times and how you overcome the difficulties.

Without knowing the full history it's difficult to comment though. larsxx

The thing about being an imposter there and not you - that's how I think of myself when I was at my worst. It wouldn't surprise me if someone said it, but it wouldn't please me that they felt it necessary to say it now. Unless it were part of a discussion that I had invited.

I tend to agree that if she needs to vent about you and what you have been through she should use someone else as a sounding board, not you.

Why do you think she feels the need to vent about it though? It's in the past, it's not as if there's anything you can do now to change it.

I agree with what the others have written mummytosteven, but just consider that comments like that may be made because your friends went through a hard time too. Obviously, nothing like you suffered, and they will never understand if they haven't been there, but for a time there, they lost the friend they knew and loved and thats hard - perhaps she isn't expecting an apology, perhaps she is asking for some friendly support over something that hurt her too?

my friend is a great believer in counselling, and talking everything through to the nth degree. thank you for giving me another perspective tillykins - i.e. that it was worrying for her too.

I can see why you're bothered by this, mts. And really I don't think a friend should remind you of how you were when you were at your lowest. It's a bit like saying to someone who had a serious physical illness - "ugh, it was horrible when so you were ill, you know you looked awful, and you smelled funny, and I thought you were going to die."

If you value the friendship then I would try not to brood - perhaps the friend genuinely has your welfare at heart and is saying it in a "don't go there again" way (like you would choose to), perhaps she was deeply upset by it and needs to talk about it to work through her feelings.

Would you be able to broach with her how you feel about her talking this way?

Fwiw, someone I considered a close friend fell by the wayside when I had severe PND after ds1 was born. I could never forgive her for listening to me bare my soul about how I felt and respond with "well, you need to pull your finger out and get on with it - everyone feels like that when they've had a baby." (Errr, no they don't)

It may have been worrying for her, but going over and over it isn't going to help her or you. She may be a firm believer in counselling and talking things through, but she needs to use some common sense and realise how depressing it can be for you.

I think you need to talk to her - not in a confrontational way, but just to tell her that endlessly rehashing it is hard for you, not something that you feel is a good thing, and something which could be potentially damaging (or whatever else you feel about it).

interesting point about baring your soul, SL. Sorry to hear that you got such useless "advice" from your "friend". I wonder whether having "bared my soul" I just can't tolerate being reminded of having done so IYSWIM?

WWB - it's not that it's an endless rehashing, it's just something that really upsets me when it does happen. for various reasons we have grown apart in recent months anyway, so I don't know when I'll next be seeing her anyway.

No no no, unless you bring it up and are sure you want to know. A good friend would be sympathetic to that